hm

life throws you curve balls. it doesn't get easier. we find better ways to cope with how we handle it. how we allow it to affect us and our lives. life is not all rainbows and unicorns. it usually involves thorns and twisting upside down. we may not like it but they don't go away. its when we lean on our friends and family and get pillows for the thorns to poke instead of skin that is when we find a better life.

Christmas not so Christmasy

have you ever made something out to be better then it actually was? like you thought of many different ways it could turn out and when it actually happens, its not as grand as you imagined?

that was my Christmas.

Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I love having the house decorated and a real tree that smells of pine. but this year wasn't that great.

Don't get me wrong, I got many amazing presents and i got to spend time with my family. I loved that, but something about this Christmas wasn't so....Christmasy.

For starters, I had to make do for my Christmas ornaments. They all were taken with her, and she won't be giving them back till MAYBE next year. My dad won't do squat to even try to force her. He asked for them....but she said that she will give them to us when she goes through it all. (God knows when that will be)

All my stockings, all my decorations everything else was gone. We had one Christmas box left...and that had ornaments in it...ball glass ornaments....mostly the ones from my dad.

I got a real tree. I loved that.

I got to spend time with family I don't see normally. I saw my baby cousin who now is 5. and my other cousin who is 15. I saw my uncles, all three of my mom's brothers, all at the same time, the same day. Which is very unusual. My dad came also. He hasn't been since before her. It was nice. But then of course the last thing me and my sister do is fight. Now you may think "whats the big deal there?" but for me, because I only see her once every 6 months or so, and talk to her maybe twice during that time in between, the last thing I want to be doing is fighting with her. and now she plans on moving up to Washington.

Christmas wasn't the same this year. and I can only think of how different next year will be. My sister may be in Seattle, my dad will not be living in this house, and I don't know where I will go for my winter break from college. I don't want everything to change this year...but it looks like the next 6 months will be my last of the pieces staying the same.

I think that there should be a law that says a child can handle (x amount) of change within 12 month span of time. because they will emotionally die if it exceeds that amount.

but there isn't. and supposedly this all makes us stronger?? whoever said that didn't go through hell and back.

I realized that all I have been doing on here is complaining about everything wrong...when there are people out there that don't have half as good as I do. I'm not saying that my life is worse then theirs...cause I know it can get a whole lot worse. but I am just wanting to vent.

maybe new years will be better....

Since I am leaving today, and won't be back till after Christmas......

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

I can't wait to write about my adventures with my grandparents and sister. This year will be a good year having all the family together for the first time in several years. I can't even believe that there has been so much crap the last few months, and now I am going to have a lot of joy for a week.

time heals all wounds

well im sure i have written about that before. but it just doesn't make sense to me.

i mean how much time is needed to heal a grieving heart?

how long before you can go through life not thinking about the "what ifs" in life?

how long before you feel full and complete and not missing part of yourself?

people have said it just heals itself over time...but i want to know how long that is. because it sure is hell longer then 13 years. 13 thanksgivings, 13 christmases, 13 birthdays, 13 first days of school without that one person you need the most by your side to say "youre doing great" or "keep up the great work" or be there for those special occasions...instead of being the one without, or having to find a replacement to fill in.

all because God decided it was time to take her home...that her work was done on the earth. Did God ever bother to ask me? how I would feel having someone be ripped out of my life, without any memories or any goodbye, or without having any control of the situation? No. Because "all is good in His timing"

people have said it all depends on the person, and how fast they heal....what are those people doing that i am not doing? how are they healed and comforted with all of it? what is the formula to make me better, to have things at complete peace in my life?

give me a number of years that i have to wait until it no longer hurts. anything....10, 20 maybe 50 years?

"trust in the Lord with all your heart..etc"

but how can you trust in someone who destroyed your life?

thanksgiving

tonight at church there was a song playing and i happened to look over at this little girl and her daddy. he sat her down next to him while he stood up and raised his hands to praise the Lord. she stood up and looked at her daddy and raised her hands. she would look up at him here and there to make sure she looked just like him. it reminded me that we should be looking to our Father and make sure we are looking just like Him. "be holy as I am holy"

Every year i write what I am thankful for. this year is no different.

Things I am thankful for in the past year

-new friends: i gained new friendships within the past year. i have gotten to know their likes and dislikes. and gotten to learn new things about them and their families.

-old friends: i have relied on my old friends the ones that i have depended on throughout so many trials and joys. they have been my support through the roughest times of my life

-family: my family though messed up and split all over the state, have been there and joined together to be my other support when i need encouragement.

-home: even though there is a chance of losing the house, i am thankful that we have had the ability to stay in this house and it keep me dry and warm and safe.

-love: love is one of the most powerful things that can happen in a lifetime. it can be grown like a tree yet never be broken if strong enough through the tests and trials. love conquers all.

-laughing: when all you feel like doing is crying because everything around you is falling apart there are those friends that can make you laugh so hard. and make you feel better about yourself.

be thankful for what we have been given. even though it can be taken away in a blink of an eye. be thankful for the time every person is in your life. even if it a short time, because once they are gone, they may never return.

happy thanksgiving!

"love and marriage

go together like horse and carriage"

only in a song.

through this i have lost some faith in marriage, in staying together "till death due us part" i don't mean to say it can't happen but I have kinda lost some faith in it.

does true love really exist or is it just in fairy tales?

some things I do know are:

from the moment you say "i do" to your last breath you are meant to stay with one person. you aren't meant to "go searching for love in all the wrong places" you are supposed to work through things, it is never love at first sight. you fall in love over time with a person. you can't ever truly love a person until you have seen them at every angle, in their bad, in their good, in their happy, in their sad.

you can't just give up when things get tough between you two. you work through them and refine the precious relationship you have like a someone refining gold. you press forward always wanting something better never settling for the mediocre with the relationship. you should continue to want to learn more about each other, and fall more and more in love with the person as you get to know them.

and that is just before marriage.

you should never fully commit your life to another unless you are absolutely positively sure that you don't want any other human on the planet.

but how do we know true love really exists?

not what i planned

this year is not what i had planned. i planned a great senior year. full of fun with my friends and doing schoolwork. i was looking forward to a new experience being on my own for school. the summer made me hopeful but at times doubtful i made the wrong choice. but as the school year started i found my peace with choosing this. then everything changed. i was offered new things if i went back. i was uncertain again. but i realized i liked being on my own. my own schedule and having new friends. and im thankful for this because if i had gone back, i wouldn't be able to have money for everything now. and i i wouldn't be able to focus on my school work with everything at home falling apart. i regret that i am not connected with my friends at linfield anymore. they were great girls and i miss them. but we have to move on with our lives sometime. i am experiencing new things. and that out weighs all the sadness of seeing the pictures from what was supposed to be the greatest year of our lives. i will find my own fun. and make new memories. God is going to bless me sometime down the road.

i just wish sometimes that blessing would come in the form of money, for next year.

sunrises over the horizon

every day the sun rises to start a new day.

fresh clean slate

forget about yesterday and think about today

no longer worry about what you did,

think of only what you are doing

the flowers bloom new with each season

appreciate the change of seasons

as the leaves fall

appreciate the snow that follows

to make a white blanket over the dirt

allowing new things to grow underneath over time

as the sun sets on the day

go to sleep with hope of a new day

fresh start in the morning

new blooms with the season change

a blanket of snow covering the mistakes

"his mercy is made new every morning"

gone, and empty

when you have something, you don't realize how much you appreciate it.

something so simple as texting is a big part when you realize you can't.

when i had a choice not to do it, it wasn't a big deal if i didn't talk to my friends all day but knowing i couldn't killed me.

not having that choice to turn on the computer to check my email would kill me

not having that person in my life to say "i love you" to would kill me

not having that person in my life to fight with would kill me.

not having the food to eat would kill me

not having the ability to call my grandparents at any given time would kill me

not having my friends in my life would kill me

not being able to go to church would kill me

but i choose to not take advantage of some of these things. i take advantage of many of these things, and when i have them i don't ever appreciate having them in my life. i complain about not having the right food in the house, or being unable to text for a few hours because lack of service. i choose to spend a day without talking to the one person i love more then myself because he annoyed me for two minutes.

but when i am unable to do all of those things because of circumstances, its harder. if i can't talk to him because i am unable to, it should be no different then if i choose not to talk.

why must we suffer through something, so awful so life changing for us to finally realize the truth behind Toby Mac's words "you never know whatcha got till its gone"

i feel like now that i don't have the table, the pictures, the dishes, everything else that is gone, i feel empty. i chose to never use half of those things, but now that they are gone,

and i am left with the bare minimum,

why must i feel so different,

so defeated,

so empty of a person.

broken

have you ever felt like your life has hit rock bottom?

or that nothing could go worse, then something does and you find yourself in pieces, broken on the floor.

this is the third time i have found myself broken to pieces beyond repair so it seems. how can i be so happy yet, can't seem to stop crying?

im happy to know i no longer hear the yelling, fear the outrages, and deal with the slamming every time something goes wrong.

but yet as i stare at the shell of my father i can't help but weep for him. it scares me to not know the future and what it may bring. it may bring new adventures, and excitements, or it may bring more sorrow and heartache.

im scared to think that i may have to leave my home because we can no longer afford it. im scared that we won't make it, and i will be barely hanging on. i have sacrificed a lot, and i am just asking for one year, just one to have nothing go wrong in it. but it seems that is not possible and i must continue to stay strong on the outside, and continue to sacrifice my life, my time and now my money for college, just to stay afloat. to stay above the raging sea.

i sit behind closed doors waiting for the storm to be over.

staring behind the mask hoping no one will see me.

i just want to be whole. no longer broken.

dear Lord, make me whole.

Grrrr

I wish that he would stop and actually pay attention to me. there are days i need him more the anything....yet he goes off and does his own thing.

i wish i could tell him, those days that he isn't there with me, that i miss him. i need him to be in my life more. i need him to love me more. i need more time with him. i know he tries but maybe he should try harder.

i treasure each other those moments together, because they are so few and far apart some times. but all i can do is place those in my box of memories and pray to add more. i hope one day he realizes how much he misses me when im gone from his life. when i leave here and go far far away. i hope one day he wakes up and thinks "i should have spent more time with her"

i just wish he would realize that every moment we have even for a brief time, is meaningful to me. those times we sit together saying nothing. those are the moments i treasure the most.

but of course i can't tell him any of this.

i can't seem to find my voice.

new room

new thoughts?

I would like to pretend so.

I needed to think through some stuff and i usually think better when i am cleaning or organizing. I had repainted my entire room one day because i needed to figure some stuff out. turns out it helps.

well today i needed to find those perfect words. the perfect words to tell him, "i dont care i am doing whatever i want anyways" but not in such a harsh manner.

i found my voice and wrote my heart out. i was honest and truthful. turns out things went smoother then expected.

ahem. clouds are pretty. in my new room (well its technically old room since i moved out of this originally) i can sit at my desk and stare out the window. and look at the street and the tree out my window. and i can see the sky above. i can watch the clouds go by.

i hope im doing the right thing and this isnt going to blow up in my face later on down the road..or next week. i have come so far and have made my mind up about some stuff and decided a bunch of life changing things. i hope that this won't come back later and turn out to be a horrible mistake i must change. i already made one making me have to choose to do this to change that old mistake. sigh.

new room, same old thoughts.

after an exciting week of causing my relationship go on the edge of the cliff, getting teeth removed from my mouth causing me to be in pain and not eat the not-so-much-needed calories, i was able to sit back and relax with my boy and watch tv and movies. i realized that even after everything we have gone through and having everything happen and having my doubts and worries and moments of weakness, i do love him. i love everything about him, even his weirdness and his super nerdyness. i left him reluctantly tonight not wanting to let him return home. it seemed like the night slipped through my fingers just as fast as sand. but we parted ways and i wanted to be with him again. i look forward to seeing him again.

contentness is not really here but it is on the horizon. its coming with the rising sun.

the truth...you want the full truth?

and nothing but the truth...

the truth hurts. it tears apart people held together by lies. but the truth is a light, a beacon of light in the darkness of lies and deceit.

today i was able to confront the truth. something i have been hiding behind for two months almost. i had been lieing to myself and to a friend. a close friend might i add. someone i love dearly and don't want to hurt ever in my life, i shattered today their heart. their heart was whole before i stepped into their life. and because of my messed up stupid lies their heart is shattered, broken now. and whats left? i have no clue. i am left to fix it, so i am told. i was instructed that i broke, now i have to fix it. too bad it doesn't follow the rule "break it you buy it" because paying for it would be easier then trying to fix it. i regret the day i even began this because i wasn't honest. i tried to be i really did in the beginning but as things progressed, the lie became bigger and more powerful and it meant more to keep it alive then to keep the relationship on an honest playing field.

i felt so sick to my stomach today, throwing up once. i made the one person that made me smile, cry. i have never made a person cry, unless it was some bitch that deserved it. but they, they didn't deserve it. now im paying the price of having to mend that bridge, and make them trust me again.

there is a quote...by sir walter scott

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive"

now i must sit in my web, and figure out how to unstick myself. i got in over my head with lieing to them. i wanted them happy so in turn i made myself lie only to in turn make them miserable. what a horrible mess i am in now...

new things

i found out the other day that i have this opportunity to maybe teach a class at a middle school level. nothing is set in stone yet, but to be considered even was a great compliment. i want to be able to teach the class and stay with the homeschooling. i love the people there and the way my schedule is. and the low stress level of homework. yeah i have a higher stress level of college and trying to get in and making sure everything is in its place. but i think it will help me. i have been praying for things to work out to what God wants. because if things work out to where i am needing to be back at Linfield then that means God is going to open up some other doors later on, and if they work out to where I can still keep this schedule and teach, then God will open up different doors. I feel like I need to be doing something more to help this process, but I can not do much more then what I am allowed to do.

its hard being patient.

normalcy

i am so glad that this feeling has returned. i may not have everything worked out with school in my mind, but i have a peace about some other things. i have my amazing boyfriend along side of me. we have fought probably one of the biggest hardest battles yet. and have survived coming back even stronger. and i have my best girlfriend in the whole world there with me sharing our secrets and giggling with me. and plans my wedding that won't happen for several years just because we can. and i have gained new friends this year within the first week of school. i love the feeling of not being judged of my past, or having people know who i was. i like the feeling of starting fresh. i am rebuilding one of the bridges i broke. it is a slow process but i am rebuilding it. things seem to be slowly turning back to what they were. we had a conversation for once without any fighting and it lasted more then ten minutes. it last several hours. and for once thats what i wanted.

now if i could only have everything be peaceful for school.....

I'd like to float in a sailing boat

And take you swimmin in the Milky Way

And hand in hand away we would fly
Watching the stars go by
And heart to heart together we'd lie
Watching the stars go by

I watched the stars under a blanket, sitting in the back of a truck, with someone I love. It has been one of my dreams to do. It was on my bucket list, now I can say I did it and can cross it off. I love staring at the moon and the stars because they look so close, but yet are so far from here. the black night sky is in contrast to the shining moon and the shining stars.

it is just one of life's little miracles I love.

reality

I laugh looking at all the pictures on myspace and facebook. I look at all those girls that I knew back in middle school. We used to sit and talk about how the older girls looked horrible, and here my friends are looking identical to them now. i guess i'm no different though. i have changed a lot over the last years from middle school. there are some days i want to go back to those days of having sleep overs, fighting over stupid stuff like the fact another girl MIGHT like the same guy I had a crush on, the days of pillow fights and passing love notes in class. i don't want to be thinking about college, and moving away from my friends. or the sad days i have spent over the last 3 years.

some days i wish i had never grown up. that i had lived in a glass box and was never introduced to the real world. but i can't undo it now. i must wake up every morning and face the realities thrown at me by the world. the reality that I am expected to attend college, the reality I have no money for college, and the hardest reality, seeing someone i used to love and wishing to forget. but i can't seem to erase him from my mind.

confusion

i wish i could place all the thoughts from my head into words, words that make sense. but instead its all jumbled up inside of me pushing to be released.

i am so bitter that people are making up rumors and causing problems for my best friend. i was so glad that she was found but i am annoyed that everyone wont let it go for now until the families are ready to release information. if they want to cause drama, go back to high school. seriously

i am in this rut that im confused. i want to be with him. i love him to death and have fallen so head over heels for him. but there are a few things that bother me. the fact that he spoils me. dont get me wrong i love being spoiled here and there, but when we are both older and looking for a house or college, the spoiling needs to be limited. i would rather spend money on things i need and have to have. i spoil myself here and there but thats not very often. i want someone that can save money and plan for the future. another thing im learning is to deal with the child like behavior ADD brings and the counteractions of the medication here and there. i am learning to deal with it and allow him to be himself. i don't want to be the girl that keeps him caged and controlls him. i like being spoiled and i love being with him. but am i able to stay with him through everything. i want to be with him because he makes me feel good, and he listens to me, and wants to be with me. he is willing to be committed to me and stay with me. for now. and im scared out of my mind that he is going to leave. i am trying to trust him and allow him to be my rock (next to God of course) and yet there is still a thing in the back of my head that says to be careful, to love cautiously. if i find out down the line that he isn't the one i want to spend forever with, i will be too attached and won't want to allow myself to separate from him. i will put myself through torture and stay with him even though i found out he isn't all that great. but at this moment i feel like he is the right one. to be dating and i wouldn't mind marrying him but if my best girl friend thinks differently, i would listen to her. i don't know what im going to do. i know that this hasn't been a bother to me long enough to be something i would actually follow up on. and i think that its just something that i worry about that isn't really something that should be a bother.

i am overthinking things.

Missing Girls

Friday night my best friend in the whole world went missing. we didn't find out till sunday. she had left with her friend lexi and now they can't be found. i am in the middle of the command center and am in caos constantly. my step mom is the commander of all that is press related, search related. i mean everything. the families have gone to her and asked her for help. it has been 4 days straight of this. since sunday afternoon. today is thursday. i have had to stay up and do some household chores because she is preoccupied. now dont get me as im complaining because i want to be able to help in any form to find those girls. i just am wanting to return to normalcy.

i am praying that the girls are found soon. i want them to get home and come back to us. i love julianne and i want to hear her laugh again. i don't want to hear the sadness anymore.

summer reflections

i laugh every time im facebook because it is the one place that everyone can connect. you can see pictures of everyone else. you can see what they are doing and who they are hanging out with.

i want to go back out of the facebook world. because i miss the times we all spent together talking and hanging out. taking those pictures.

this summer has been one of the best yet changed summer.

this summer was different in that i didn't spend as much time with those friends i loved. i didn't see them hardly at all. we got together maybe once or twice over the last 3 months. and last summer we spent almost once a week together. last summer there was a lot more of group activities but of course because we are all growing up and moving forward, we all don't talk much anymore. we see each other on facebook or comment on the wall. but rarely do we say, "hey lets all meet up and go to starbucks" or have a party. we are all too busy with all our different friends and our own lives. don't get me wrong, thats great to have lots of friends. i have a million. but at the same time, lets not forget those friends that were with us during those hard times. that were there for us.

this summer was one of the best summers. i got to hang out with new friends. i fell in love. when everything else seemed impossible, i turned to my best friends and they were there for me. i spent a lot of time with family this summer. family i don't normally see. i got in touch with some of the people that changed my life when i was little. and i changed the path i am taking in my life. and started a new adventure.

i loved this summer no doubt. i loved all the fun adventures i had. and i loved having those new friends. i just wish i had more time of summer fun to hang out with my old friends. to let them know i still care about them and am there for them.

i guess everything can't stay the same forever....can it?

who says

we can't be strong, and independent, and have freedom?

who are the people controlling our every move?

or should I say WHAT is controlling our every move?

what is stopping us from that freedom in Christ? What is hindering us from dancing like little kids during worship? What is stopping us from lifting our hands and singing like we just don't care?

our pride

who says we have to have a wall around us? who says we can't be blunt and honest with everyone around us? what is stopping us from telling the people off that make us mad?

our pride

our pride seems to be the cause of all our problems now. we are too prideful to allow ourselves to look foolish. to have that wall broken down. we should become humble and accept the fact that we are all people. we are humans and we make mistakes. who cares? we should no longer judge others.

but it seems i am the worst possible person to be saying this. i am the one who sits in the back of the church looking at all the adults raising their hands and think "why can't i allow myself to do that and not be ashamed?" i am the person who looks at others and what they do and am so judging of their actions. i think "i am not as bad as them." or "they look weird they must have problems"

i remembered tonight while singing the little kids at the VBS i went to while in Washington. the little kids danced around and sang their little hearts out to the Lord and didn't care what the other kids thought. they tried doing the motions but sadly failed. but they tried. now all we are doing in church is standing when told, sitting when told, and maybe a few of us lift our hands when we feel led. but there are no more silly motions to go along with the songs when we grow up.

i also remembered the church i love visiting when im at my grandparents house. most of the people in the church are over the age of 50. their kids have kids. they have been through everything among them all, and they all know what they want from life. they have their life figured out, and are now just waiting to go home with the Lord. they sing and praise the Lord even though half of them are tone deaf, and can't sing a note to save their lives. but they want to make sure they praise Jesus for everything He has done in their lives over the last few decades. all the trials He has brought them through.

I want the freedom to sing and dance like a little child, and yet be praising God for everything He has walked me through. He has been by my side through everything, even though I don't always feel like He has been. I love the poem "Footprints" because it reminds me that God sometimes carries me, when I look back and see only one set of footprints.

im sorry

i wish i could look you in the eyes and say everything is going to be just fine. and that nothing is wrong. but we just promised to never use those words didn't we?

sitting out on my driveway for 2 hours just talking was nice. i wish it wasn't about how scared we are or about the worries we both bear. i wish i could say i would be a better girlfriend and not freak out. but i don't know how to be that girl. i want to let you in and know the pain i feel but i love you too much to tell you the sadness i have, the hurt i have endured. i don't want to put you through knowing that, that way you can't fake the sympathy. i don't want your sympathy.

i'm sorry that i turned away from you. I am sorry that i didn't go to you for the help. but don't give up on me just yet. just stay with me a little bit longer and allow me to get into my comfort zone. let me get comfortable with trusting you. i don't want to let someone else hurt me, and i have built the wall. but baby please don't just stop trying. i know you aren't perfect and i am afraid that my imperfections may clash with yours, and that may be the downfall of us. but i don't want it to be. i don't want this to end. i don't want to give up everything for something stupid.

made new

There are so many new things this year,

new school

new friends

new schedule

new teachers

new books

but with all the new we can't forget the old

old friends that have stuck by our sides for 3 years now

that old backpack that has made it through 3 years of being thrown around

that old pair of shoes from last year we have to rewear this year because money is tight

and that old hurt you pushed to the back of your mind for the summer

or that old outfit we have to make new for school

and that 2,000 year old Book that has stood the test of time

with all the new things of a new school year, there are plenty of old things. i realized that this is our last year of high school. our last first day of school. the last year where people tell us what to do for classes and control our every minute of our day. its our last year for homecoming dances and year books and for those at Linfield, the great race. its our last year to deal with the drama of high school. but all those things won't matter in the end.

what matters is the fact that you followed your heart, no longer allowed peer pressure to take a hold of you, and are able to stand up for what you believe in. because next year you are going to be on your own. out in the real world and have to do things on our own. no more having our parents help us, or having teachers bottle feed us the answers for a test.

what matters is that you stay true to your faith. and not allow your faith to be put in a schedule and work around everything else for time to pray.

this year is going to be the hardest year for me personally because i have had to change everything. i know that it was my choice, but as i am coming closer i am finding that peace about this. i chose to change schools, and i chose to take a math class where i have to take 5 buses to get to it. but if someone tells me i can't do it, i will do it. i am now on my own, managing my own time, and dealing with my own homework. i have to work through my problems with certain people but i know that if i don't say anything, they won't say anything. im sad to be giving up so much. i gave up the teachers that i have grown to love, the program i no longer can do, and i have given up the chance to get ahead.

i am shaking in my boots right now, because i have no idea what to do. but i know that if i trust in Him, He will guide me and show me the right way. He will teach me to love the unloveable, and forgive those who need forgiveness. He will show me what college to go to and provide the money for it.

i want to have a new adventure, get out of my routine and be pushed against everything to test my strength and be lit on fire for God.

I promise

I promise to be there forever

I promise to love you

I promise to support you

I promise to be your friend forever

I promise to never tell your secret

I promise to return your (fill in blank)

I promise to be there on time

I promise to (fill in what ever you want)

So many promises have been made.

Promises have been broken, promises have been kept.

The biggest promise given to man kind was the promise of an eternal life after death. Jesus promises us that He is going to give us riches and a big big house (sings: with lots and lots of rooms) and He promises us life eternally, if we choose life abundantly now. (richie's quote. not mine)

How can man promise another man (or woman to man etc) that they are going to stick around forever, when they may be gone in a flash. I mean didn't my mom promise my dad to be there forever but then she was killed. (I guess thats part of the vows "until death due us part" but i think thats more meaning when your old and gray) So isn't everything on a condition, I promise to love you and be there for you (on the condition i dont die).

How can two people promise each other now, when they could change their mind down the road. I would hate to promise something I couldn't keep. I would hate to promise something and then by circumstances things change and suffer the fact i believed i could fulfill that promise and then i can't. But I know that if i am willing to promise to do something, then i am taking a chance. A chance that something could go wrong, but praying with all my heart it doesn't go wrong.

Now dont misunderstand what im saying. A promise is a great thing. A promise between friends and a guy and a girl. Its amazing how people can promise things and keep their promise. If someone were to promise me something I would trust them to keep their promise unless they gave me reason not to trust them. A promise comes with trust.

If you can't trust a person, then you can't promise something and mean it and keep it.

time changes things

everyone has those moments.

that moment in time or a friendship or a relationship where things couldn't be better.

that time where you feel free.

the time where you feel content.

i spent the day with a boy yesterday. he has fully captured my heart, and to the point of im falling in love. i love everything about him. and its not even been 2 months of dating. i look forward to being with him for a long time.

that is if time allows it.

i always remember the quote from fox and the hound:

"forever is a long time. and time has a way of changing things".

that has been such a good reminder for me. times change.

friendships are broken, made, rebuilt. all over time.

time heals all things. some things longer then others.

i thought at one time my heart could never be happier, until it was crushed.

now i am feeling that fullness, that happiness, that feeling of content, and love. i am just praying that father time takes it time and allows me to have this boy for a long time.

im so head over heels crazy in love with him. i would hate for our time to be short.

thoughts while at grandparents house

this was something i wrote out during my vacation at my grandparents house. its a bit jumbled but i needed to write it out.

as im sitting at my grandparents house i was brought back to many memories in their house. one being the first time i realized i no longer loved jake.

the second being well not in the house but at the harbor. and i was brought back to the night that was one of the best nights of my life. the night i knew that he had my heart. that dinner the walk along the harbor. and that kiss on the beach when it was barely enough light to see where we were going. holding my heels in one hand and holding his hand in the other. and then i look into that window and remembered that night we talked about so much. and i remember falling in love with him. and i feel like such an idiot to have fallen for someone that decided he wasn’t that into me. and that lied to me for so long. he admitted to lying that one night when he used me but how many other times did he lie to me that i dont know about? i stare at the text messages now from someone that has so quickly captured my heart and think am i allowing myself to go into a trap of being lied to again? am i going to be able to make it this time and not turn to horrible things like last time when things went south.

God has been blessing me this week and has been giving me the encouragement i needed to hear, i received books to read, and the people that love me enough to call me out on my crap. they hold me so high in their books but i feel like i should not be held that high. it feels like im supposed to be the perfect one. and my sister is the horrible black sheep. but in reality she is only doing things that she wants to do. she no longer hides behind the perfect child mask. she is real and legit. and i admire her for it.

i feel like im falling so fast for him. i have been so happy and content with how things are going. but it is just the start. am i able to overcome the fears and love like He loves everyone? am i able to overcome the shattered heart and place the pieces at His feet and trust Him that He has the right guy. and maybe this time around things wont end in a selfish manner?

head over heels

I am falling so head over heels. i havent felt this way in a long time. but something inside of me is saying to back off. to "love cautiously". i have started to fall once again but i am afraid that he is going to catch me for a while then let me drop on my butt once again. and leave. leave like everyone else has. i cant allow myself though to become so guarded i never allow anyone else in.

i have changed things in my mind over the last week. i saw that innocence is not merely something we lose, but its a choice. we choose to lose that innocence over time or we continue to keep it throughout our lives. i chose to lose the innocence long before i was ready to lose it. this last week i have decided to stop trying to become like them, and keep what little innocence i have left. its hard to have innocence about having a broken heart when you have felt that pain. you can't love freely. that is one thing that amazes me about God. he had his heart broken for us over and over again when we sin, yet he seems to always loves us no matter how long it takes us. he felt the most unbearable pain anyone could imagine, and yet he loves us with no strings tieing him down. he loves so freely his children, those who follow him.

i am going to try to love people more freely, no matter how much pain i have suffered in my past. it is in the past, where it should stay there untouched, unremembered, and never to be brought in the future. the one boy i thought could never steal my heart away, just did. i have built such a high wall around me that i thought no prince could ever climb it, yet here i am in the highest tower watching as he scales the sides of the wall coming closer and closer to me. passing where all others have dropped to their death, leaving me alone. i want to be able to love like jesus loves. so freely and not dependent on how much we have had our heart broken in the past.

im off to experience relaxing. a week away from people and being busy. a week where i can just sit and read my book and tan out. a week where i can reflect on this new found love.

a week in washington recapped

So this past week i was given the amazing chance to spend it in Washington, with my aunt and uncle. it was such an amazing week. i arrived late on saturday. we went home and roasted marshmallows. it was almost 9 pm and still light as if it was 5 pm here. it was super crazy. i was thrown off for a week with my sleeping schedule. sunday i went to church. it was my first time in over a month to attend church on a sunday....or at all. it was weird but a good weird. i was reminded no matter how long it has been that i can always go back to church and the people are so accepting no judgement.

i felt like a peace come over me.

then we went to a VBS meeting. my aunt wanted to help out with VBS this past week so i decided to join her.

boy i didn't know what i was getting myself into. i went to the meeting and found out i would be working with 4 year olds. i found out on monday that it was 14 of them.

MONDAY: i went hiking monday on a mountain. called Mt Rainier. it was so cold that morning and foggy. but we made it up to the hiking trails. on the way i saw snow! it was amazing. and then we went for our hike. we changed directions like two times and went a different route. it was well worth every moment of it. we ended up at this lake. it was peaceful, though there were two boys fishing. but it was covered in the fog layer and reminded me of a horror movie. but it was so awesome. me and my aunt sat down on a tree that had fallen and ate food. yummy food. something about homemade jelly makes everything better. and then we walked back to our car. it was so peaceful in the forest. it was just us talking. and no other sound. no phone ringing, no sound of cars going by, no noisy people yelling, nothing. just peace. and nature. the beautiful nature all around us. the greenness of trees and plants.

that night i went to VBS. it was a fun experience. but handling 14 4 year olds is not something i would be able to do for a job.

TUESDAY: i spent the day just chilling out at the house. we went to costco and the walmart where i bought shorts because i had forgotten mine. but it was the best day i could have asked for. i came home and was texting tim because it was our one month anniv. and i was sad that i wasn't home to see him. and he had sent up a letter with me which i was able to open that morning. it was the cutest love note i have ever received. and then that afternoon tim asked if i had gotten anything....and i was confused and after someone called me asking for an address i realized that he had been sneaky and gotten the address to send me something. i found out alter that it was a thing of flowers. it was a pink bouquet. carnations included. which makes everything better. <3>

i went to VBS that night and had this total life changing experience. i know its silly to say that i realized something at a VBS dealing with 4 year olds, but i did. the pastor had to simplify everything for them when it came our turn to hear the message. he was explaining how we are sinners and God has given us a free gift. and he pulled out all these rags. they were covered in dirt and he was using it as an example of us in sin. and it like totally clicked that i had no idea what the heck i was with my life. i was saying that i wanted to be a teenager and live my life doing all the stupid things. but yet i am a christian. one who isn't supposed to be doing half the stuff i have been doing. i started to question if i was really a christian. and started thinking about it. and i talked to tim about it all. he helped but not as much as i wanted. but i didn't really know what i wanted him to say. maybe that i am being stupid and shouldnt be thinking all of this....or maybe that i was being stupid and allowing myself to do all of it.....but instead he sat there and just listened to me. he understood what i was talking about. and he said that he would be praying for me. im still working through it all. but it was a neat thing to be able to see the gospel message put so simply and clearly. i was blessed by the singing of little kids who have their innocence. the innocence that one day may be lost for good. or that they may keep for ever.

WED: i went to Seattle. I went to the space needle and saw everything from up above. at 520 feet. it was scary. the beauty was so breath taking. or maybe it was the fact i was so far up in the sky. i went into a few stores and walked around a little area. then went home and went to VBS that night.

THURS: i went to the church office with my aunt and chilled there while she worked for a little bit. and then we went to the HUGE bead store. it was amazing. there was walls and walls of beads and every color and shape and style. i was in awe that there would even be this many beads. we picked some out...after an hour of looking for the perfect ones. and made me a necklace and earrings. they are super cute

FRI: i went to the beach with my aunt and we hiked there. we hiked down like a few miles through hills and trees and mud and plants, to the beach. it was crowded but it was nice. i went walking and saw steve, the dead jelly fish. and then we sat on the beach and tanned, except i got burnt a little. and then we hiked back home. by the time i got home i was soaking in sweat cause it was kinda hot and we had backpacks on. and i took a shower. and then left with my uncle and spent a few hours with him. just me and him. it was like one of the most amazing nights ever. i dont ever get to spend time with just me and him. he took me out to this nice restaurant on the harbor and we watched boats come by and the ferry go in and out. then we drove around in this park area and saw 3 raccoons. it was awesome! of course i had forgotten my camera but oh well. i saw them and thats all that matters. and then we drove up around tacoma and i got to see the houses and the views of the mountains. it was just one of the views that was jaw dropping.

i came home and we sat out on the porch just talking and enjoying the cool air. and waited for my aunt to come home from VBS. and then we all watched TV for a little then went to bed.

i enjoyed being away from reality and allowing myself to escape reality for a few days. but then i came home and had a reality check hit me hard. with school and having to figure everything out really fast because i leave once again and won't have the ability to change it.

im learning to trust in God and not tell him what I want. cause that always seems to fail. im learning to lean on him and allow him to work in his own way.

i came home with a sore legs,

a thankful heart

and an extra 3 pounds.

but it was well worth travelling to see them.

mixed emotions. throw them in a bag and see what you get

I thought about all the times i have been hurt in my life. Some of them have been my fault, and some have been on the shoulders of another. having the hurt be blamed on someone else makes things worse then if i were to do something. because it is not under my control. I can't do anything, i can't force them to apologize, or change.

i remember sharing my testimony back in 9th grade when i had changed schools and felt the need to have my life be an open book. it started with sharing my testimony to the people who loved me and i felt secure with. in turn that gave me to courage to share my testimony with those at my new school. i realized for the longest time, i tried to hide my past. i was ashamed of who i had been, what i had done. i didn't want anyone finding out. my parents had found out about some of it and that was enough to make me feel ashamed and hide my past. i saw the scars on my leg from the cutting. and i remembered that the scars are to remind that i was a person with hurt and saddness and no hope. i am now a person that finds happiness in the most simple things and has hope for tomorrow and the new adventures to come. i did everything i did when i was younger to make me the person i am today. i may not understand exactly why there was porn, and stealing, and lieing all involved but maybe one day i will. maybe one day i will find someone that went through the same thing. or maybe i will find a girl that is younger then me and is thinking about going too far with a guy for her and her boundaries. she may feel that its the only way to get him to stay with her. and i can tell her that he isn't worth her time, i know. and he won't be around as soon as she doesn't and says stop. she needs a guy that won't pressure her. i may never know why i went through it all. but i am not sorry i did. i am no longer ashamed of my past. and if someone asks me if i did something, i will be happy to share with them my story.

i have the best friends in the whole world. they have been dealing with me and my problems for years now, and they just roll their eyes at me as i repeat mistakes and tell me the same advice over and over again until i get it finally. they are there for me when i have problems with family and i can run to their house for three days. i could call them at one in the morning crying and they just sit on the phone listening to me, trying to calm me down.

i forgive you. for everything. for lieing to my face. for using me. for leaving our friendship to pieces and never ever trying to rebuild it. i forgive myself for allowing you to control my life. for asking for your consent. when you had no control over what i do and how i do it. i don't regret ever kissing you. i don't regret ever loving you with all my heart. i just wish when you left me, you didn't leave the friendship. i pray that one day in the future you will be able to apologize for everything and we can start having a friendship again. you were one of my best friends in the whole bunch of friends. i trusted you with everything even before we went to the next level. but i hope your happy with her. i hope she is a better friend then i had been and she doesn't get hurt by you.

i am learning a new person now. i love being with him and learning about all his crazy quirks. he has many. but its what makes him special and amazing. he makes me laugh when i want to cry. he holds me even though i push him away. and he thinks way out of the box sometimes. he is super hyper most of the time due to adhd but he has his mellow times also. i love learning about his dislikes and his likes. and he never ceases to have something new to tell me.

i think that is all my jumbled thoughts for now. i am off to seattle washington....well its actually tacoma, washington but no one has ever heard of that. and its close enough to seattle. i am going to go see relatives and enjoy being with people i don't see very much. i am going to not be texting during the day and just enjoy being away from here for a week.

getting out of this town

this week I get to spend a week up in Seattle, wa. i get to escape the boringness of this town. the mundane life here. i get to escape reality and not answer my phone if i never want to. but i will since my boyfriend will be texting me. but i get to leave all the constant reminders i see everyday of my past. i don't have to know anyone around the town or happen to run into a person i know from school and don't like. i don't have to pretend to be any one perfect. i don't have to put on my mask in front of everyone up there. i can't wait to leave this town and reinvent myself. become someone new and improved. have no past and only have a future.

i can't wait to escape this town.

dead flowers, burning wood to ashes, and new moons

today i cleaned my room again. well i kinda got distracted from packing. i was packing and then noticed something needed to be gone through. and i started to go through some old stuff. i found notes from 8th grade. i read some of them wondering what the heck?? others i laughed hysterically at how stupid we were back then. i thought the stupidest things were the end of the world. so many of us have grown up and changed since middle school. our friendships tested, broken, regrown, or lost forever. some new ones built up. we have all grown up and matured into amazing people that are going to change this world one day

i pulled out the BOX. the box that holds my heart within four small walls while i was cleaning. i pulled out the necklaces and placed them aside.

i smelled the smell of the flowers. dead and dried out from the weeks on my board drying. the stems as fragile as glass, ready to break at any wrong move.

as fragile as my friendship that snapped after holding on with just a thin string.

i removed the pictures. i stared at them all going through each one that remained in the box slowly and methodically like i was searching for something special. something to jump out at me. but nothing did. the smiles on our faces long removed. those heart aches pushed from my memory to no longer be brought up again. those friendships dried up like the flowers laying in the box. i placed each photo to the side and continued my cleaning.

as i cleaned i felt more and more freedom. freedom from clutter. clutter of the mind and the room.

then the sun began to set and i wanted smores. i made a fire and grabbed a few more memories. a few more crutches of my past. and burned them. i watched them burn to ash. i sat on the couch and watched as the wood burned to ashes. erasing my memories from existence. i fell into a trance with the flickering of the flame. the fire has such a strong power on the wood or whatever it is burning. it consumes it not allowing a little bit escape. it is like what i have allowed happen to my past. it has consumed my present thoughts, my present life and actions. but as i watched it burn the wood to ashes, i remembered that not every flame is eternal. every fire has to die down eventually. and this is the time my past flame has to die down. it has now died and allowed me to put new wood on and start a new fire, and new flame to burn.

as i was sitting outside, i watched the sun set, and the moon rise. i think its a full moon, or it was yesterday so its still pretty full. i look at it longing to be there and not here. it says good night to me as i head to bed. it is a gift from God. a little bit of his beauty that appears at night, every night, not missing a night.