head over heels

I am falling so head over heels. i havent felt this way in a long time. but something inside of me is saying to back off. to "love cautiously". i have started to fall once again but i am afraid that he is going to catch me for a while then let me drop on my butt once again. and leave. leave like everyone else has. i cant allow myself though to become so guarded i never allow anyone else in.

i have changed things in my mind over the last week. i saw that innocence is not merely something we lose, but its a choice. we choose to lose that innocence over time or we continue to keep it throughout our lives. i chose to lose the innocence long before i was ready to lose it. this last week i have decided to stop trying to become like them, and keep what little innocence i have left. its hard to have innocence about having a broken heart when you have felt that pain. you can't love freely. that is one thing that amazes me about God. he had his heart broken for us over and over again when we sin, yet he seems to always loves us no matter how long it takes us. he felt the most unbearable pain anyone could imagine, and yet he loves us with no strings tieing him down. he loves so freely his children, those who follow him.

i am going to try to love people more freely, no matter how much pain i have suffered in my past. it is in the past, where it should stay there untouched, unremembered, and never to be brought in the future. the one boy i thought could never steal my heart away, just did. i have built such a high wall around me that i thought no prince could ever climb it, yet here i am in the highest tower watching as he scales the sides of the wall coming closer and closer to me. passing where all others have dropped to their death, leaving me alone. i want to be able to love like jesus loves. so freely and not dependent on how much we have had our heart broken in the past.

im off to experience relaxing. a week away from people and being busy. a week where i can just sit and read my book and tan out. a week where i can reflect on this new found love.