'tis the season

this may very well be one of the last posts of 2010. soon it will be new year and 2011. and I will have to write 2011 on everything. how confusing. i just got used to writing 2010 on everything.

i was talking to someone the other day and was talking about how last year i wanted to do this....but realized that last year i wasn't allowed to. i couldn't. and now within a year, 365 days i was able to do it.

i look forward to the new things i will be able to do in another 365 days. all the adventures i will partake in, all the people i will meet, all the new things i will learn.

my new song (for now) that i love listening to, Firework by Katy Perry. I always can't help but sing along when the song comes on the radio. It reminds me to be different, to show everyone that i can do it.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Drifting throught the wind

Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin

Like a house of cards

One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep

Six feet under scream

But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you

Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework

Come on show 'em what your worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework

Come on let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space

You're original, cannot be replaced

If you only knew what the future holds

After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed

So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow

And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework

Come on show 'em what your worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework

Come on slet your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

It's always been inside of you, you, you

And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework

Come on show 'em what your worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework

Come on slet your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Boom, boom, boom

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

so 2011, here i come. im going to make my appearance one that will not be forgotten

2010 memories

these are things i remember most about 2010

1: spending the weekend of a long tournament just sitting and talking with you

2: going to the beach

3: the Easter earthquake

4: getting accepted into CP

5: winter camp

6: ice skating

7: spending hours in the hospital

8: Fuddruckers

9: long beach and bringing back all your crap :P

10: palm desert

11: grad night

12: watching friends graduate

13: graduating

14: lake arrowhead

15: disneyland trips

16: julian trip

17: BJs dinner

18: your birthday party at the beach

19: spending the night at sisters apartment

20: thanksgiving break

21: surprising you

22: cuddling with you on your bed and eating chips and no salsa

23: wedding shows/planning

24: 18th birthday party

25: spending christmas with you

Christmas time

I feel like a bad person for not writing in my blog last thursday. I had a routine going, and then of course I got busy and I didn't have time. oh well. not a big deal.

i decided to not work for the week. because i didn't feel comfortable with the person i was staying with. though i should have sucked it up and stayed. and worked. and gotten that money. i might regret it later....but i don't know.

i feel like i don't want to grow up anymore. so many things i have to remember. and i feel like i don't have time. so many deadlines so many papers i have to fill out. and no one really to lean on for help.

im definitely looking forward to Christmas this year. I am looking forward to sending time with people i love. and i am actually looking forward to going back. to being back in a routine. though i wish i could take my bed with me. hahaha.

we got a christmas tree. its fake so it will keep longer and can be reused in later years.

i feel like a wreck because i don't have a permanent address for anything. and i feel like i want to just change around everything. i want to be able to live off campus next year and make it a permanent home for me. but of course even if i was to live off campus, it wouldn't be permanent for me. i would possibly change houses. and i feel like i can't use other peoples addresses because its not where i am at most. so i was summoned for court, and i had to reply back that i wasn't there....but they asked for my new address, but its like i don't have that as my permanent address either. so its hard and confusing. and then taxes are needing to be figured out also. sigh. and how i want to work around the money issue. i wish someone would be here and help me out with all these choices, or have someone else that has similar situation as i do, so i can work like they did....but of course not. i have to be different.

im so tired of living my life differently then other people.

im ready for it to be constant. for some stability.

finally done

it feels like it took forever. but i did it...finally done with my first quarter of college. :D

i found out that i for sure have one B, and possibly two others out of my 4 classes. grades wont be posted till next week and i can only hope for the best.

i can't believe im done with one quarter....only like 14 more to go....

now im going to embark on a new adventure and spend a week at a friends house and work for a week, then go home!!!!! i can't wait to go home. i can't wait till i can sleep in my own bed.

ahhh i miss friends and family.

im definitely thankful to be done.

one

one picture is all it took to bring me back to that day.

one glance at something from the past is all it took.

one millisecond is all it took

to have memories flood me. overwhelm my mind with thoughts from you. from laughter, to horror moments, to heart ache.....

you promised to never leave, to never turn into someone else....well you kept half that promise. you never left. but you changed into someone else. you changed into someone that showed me that love doesn't exist. you proved to me that love is not always true. you pushed me to my breaking point. you pushed me to the point of leaving. i walked away. and into someone else's arms. you hated me for it. but i hated you more for proving to me the very thing you swore wouldn't happen. ruining the thoughts i had about you, about love, about relationships.

all it took was one picture of us that didn't get deleted, to take me back to that very moment i walked away from you. the very moment i thought life had stopped and i wasn't going to be able to get up.

but then it was you who pushed me away to become someone better.

to prove to you that i didn't need you.

that i wasn't hurt by everything you said.

that my heart wasn't broken to pieces after you swore you would fix it.

to prove to you that i wasn't going to let you dictate my life.

because of you, i must now regain my strength.

i must pick myself up off the floor.

i must show the world you didn't break me.

because of you i question everything.

i no longer have the naive outlook on things.

because of you im tainted with hate and bitterness that all others to follow you must break away before seeing who i am.

all because of that one picture

one week left

i have finals next week. and im stressing out like crazy. i need to remind myself to take breaks and not become overwhelmed. thankfully my family is coming near me, and i can see them saturday night. YAY.

i need to push myself just a bit longer, this is when it all counts. it all comes down to the last week....the final tests. i have worked so hard to get to this point, and im here. and if i mess up, i can't fix it. i plan on sleeping a lot, but also studying like no ones business. i know my stuff, and i just need to remember it.

oh yeah then work on top of this....hahah oh how i love my life sometimes.

thankfulness

i am more then thankful for the people who have surrounded me this year. im thankful for those that have stood next to me when i have fallen, made mistakes, and rejoiced with me this past year. even if they are no longer part of my current everyday life.

there always will be days full of hate and bitterness, where nothing goes right, when i feel the most down. but its the support of the people that makes me get through them.

im thankful that i have the money to go to school.

that i have a family there even if they arent blood.

that i have a boyfriend that sits next to me when im happy and sad

that i have a house to come to when college gets too much

i have so many things to be thankful for, yet i cant seem to express my thankfulness to those people.

the words "thank you" just dont seem to be enough.

another week done.

so its the end of another week. things haven't been all roses and rainbows this week for me. i have been super worried. and stressed out. and overwhelmed......sigh. and then school work has been piling up because finals are just around the corner. but thankfully my grades are not that bad. they aren't great....but i need to just have a C or better and then i can move forward and away from these classes. i didn't know i could settle for just a C. but i realize that i need to just graduate. and pay my way through this. my pay checks are for my college tuition but also some of them are going towards my extra things....like my christmas presents. and my trips home. because i need to have those small pleasures.

good news, im doing better at work.

onto my next week.

break

i went home. it feels amazing. i love the idea of sleeping in my bed for once. but at the same time, i want to go back already. this house is depressing. i want to move. i don't need this empty house anymore. and i feel that my other breaks will be hard to come back to the empty house.

i feel kinda bad for not having work today because i know that everyone else is covering for me....but i needed this break. i needed to get away from people and just be on my own away from them just for a few days.

now to see my best friend. and my boyfriend today. i get to see the two most important people in my life. two months is a long time.....and it feels a really long time

forever is a long time....and time has a way of changing things.

how can you promise me your love forever. when you don't know how things are going to happen in the future.

the broken road

there has been a broken road leading me to you. all those others that i loved don't mean anything now. i look back and think that i was so happy then, but really it was just getting me through till now. till right now when i can see myself 4 years from now still with you. still laying on skype for 7 hours at a time. still wanting to be with you. and to lay next to you. still hearing that heartbeat knowing that your alive. and smiling at your creepy smile.

as i look back at all the pictures, memories are flooded back to my mind as i remember what it was like to be with them. all of them. and none of them can live up to what you mean to me. they all have their special places in my heart and they all mean something in who i am today. but none of them will be as special as you are to me. i was asked if i thought it was a mistake to say that i loved them all, and still love you now. i don't know if it was a mistake, but i don't regret it. i did love them, in their own special way. just like i love you in your own way. i love you differently then the rest of them.

its hard losing friends after the relationships end, but friends come and go. if they were truly my best friend the fights, the arguing, the bitter hateful words, the hardships we had gone through would have not meant they walked away from me. but i guess i need to let them go and never look back on who i was with them. i need to look forward and think about the joy and the happyness we have together. the person i get to be with you.

this wasn't the super fast head over heels love im used to. it was the over time, growing through pain, and laughter love. the one that you learn to appreciate. the one that is built over time, through the hardships. the love that is stronger then the love that comes quickly. that kind of love that comes so fast you don't have time to nurture it, and let it grow.

Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast. it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.... Love never fails.

the very definition of the love you show me every day of our relationship.

change or routine

do i really want things to change? or am i wanting things to stay the same?

i wouldn't mind things staying the same ever just for a few years. or a few months....but things aren't that way. things always change. constantly moving, constantly rearranging. new opportunities come around, and old friends disappear only to be replaced by new ones. i wonder what those people are doing that used to mean so much to me. i wonder what would have happened if last year stayed the same. i wonder what would have happened if i never met him. i wonder what would have happened if i went to a different school.

there are days i wish things were normal. where i knew my life didn't stick out from the rest of the people i met. we all have our unique stories...im just tired of people hearing mine and saying "wow" or "omg im sorry" when in reality, im not that sorry it happened. it made me the motivated, independent person i am today.

there are days i want to give up. but then i look on my wall and remember that i have people who are here to support me, to be there when i need to lean on someone. and be the encouragement i need. even a 5 minute phone call helps. or a quick talk to an old friend.

so week 7 is done. geography test done, and two more math tests to go. and then thursday morning, im out of here. im going to run away from everything even if its for a few short days. i need to run away from here. from reality.

i need to live in a non realistic place. where it seems like dreams come true.

avoiding homework

so week 6 is done. it feels like one of the longest weeks of my life. but it has gone by so fast. it was monday and now here its almost friday. tomorrow night i get to see people i love. people that are familiar to me. and not the people i live with every single day. i don't mind them since i hardly see half of them, but i just need to see people i love. and get a hug from someone that loves me. its hard. and here i thought i wanted to go to San Jose.....7 hours away. ha. you don't realize how much you miss your family until you don't see them for over a month. and after this week, its only a few short weeks till thanksgiving. and then im going to be home for a few days. even if its a few days, i will still enjoy it. my bed. my big huge fatty bed...and not sharing a bathroom with 30 other people. and no work. which is not really a good thing...i like work. as boring as it is, the people i work with are pretty much amazing. and the money is pretty nice too.

so my college life continues.....work school homework.....

reflections

i find it funny how at graduation, we all said that we would keep in touch. that there wouldn't be anything different and we would always forever stay friends. i only talk to about half those people now. and only half of those i love and care about.

moving to college really shows you who your true friends are. the ones that you know in 4 years will be there and ask when graduation from college is, or that maybe in 6 or 7 years ask how your job is...knowing the answer already. i want friends that i can lean on when things go bad. when things are not going my way, that i can call them up at 2 am and cry. or when something good happens i know that when i tell them, they will jump up and down with me in joy.

of course those people i thought i had in high school, may not be the real deal. it was just friends long enough to get me through 4 years of school. and maybe those bridges were burned the minute i left and went my own path. maybe those bridges were burned the minute we all went our separate ways.

but why can't our paths run parallel to each other?

why can't the friends i made in high school still be along the road for college?

well im glad some of them are. because i know that i wouldn't have made it with out their friendship.

without their love and support.

without their hugs.

this i promise

i promise to stay true.

i promise to love you always

i promise to never make the same mistakes

i promise to always support you

week 5 is done. finally got scores back for all my midterms. all passing. thankfully. maybe not the perfect scores im used to. but i have to constantly remind myself that i am working almost 30 hours a week. attending classes. and doing homework. and having a boyfriend. while passing my classes. another week done. another week closer to finals. to christmas break. to thanksgiving break even. i can't wait. i feel like im going insane. but yet there are days im reminded that i don't have time to be insane. i have to keep pushing through it, and in 4 years im going to look back on this knowing i am doing what i was meant to do.

there are days i wonder if my grandparents will be around in 4 years or 5 years to see me walk my graduation. there are days i wonder if my dad will ever get out of debt. there are days i wonder if my mom is proud of me. there are days i wonder if i will end up in the same patterns.

i promise myself to not let myself become like them. to not become so self centered. to not become in debt. to always have support from friends and family.

i promise to stay true to my heart.

where ever it may lead me.

week 4

DONE!

hardest one yet. three midterms. two were today. one was monday. i feel pretty good about them all actually. i am hoping that nothing is terribly mixed up otherwise i will be very sad.

this week was a long stressful week. work was super crazy, and then things with the boy were super crazy on top of that....all the while im supposed to be studying for midterms. hahah. im thankful that this week is almost done. and that its going to be the weekend. though i have work. but thats ok. more money, to pay for my parking permit. two weeks and counting, till my car comes up here. along with joey and my dad. im hoping everything goes according to plan so that things continue to work out in my favor.

week 3

second week with work in it. i survived. i got asked to work on saturday. i needed to the extra hours. so i took it. i am feeling the pressure of everything this week. maybe im tired, or maybe its stress. but i am definitely feeling the heavy weight of everything this week. failed a quiz today in a class thats supposed to be easy. and i have three tests next week. one of which, will be my only grade in there. and i have a paper to write this weekend. and all i want to do is lay on my bed and sleep. or lay there. just doing, thinking, nothing.

that was my thoughts before the weekend started. i worked saturday. it went fine. i caught a praying mantis. wrote my paper friday night. finished most of my math homework saturday. and today i have been spending my whole day on geography. from 230 till 9. barely taking time to eat. but i feel more prepared then i did earlier. i took online tests, and i got like 50-60% on them....so im thinking I will be fine in the multiple choice part. now to memorize the maps and the language origins. and i work tomorrow. sigh.

there are days i wonder how im going to make it. and thats for sure today. i definitely miss my friends and their hugs.

wearing your heart on your sleeve

i was talking to someone last night and they were talking about how guarded i am. he asked me if it was a good thing to wear his heart on his sleeve. i realized that i no longer can seem to let myself be vulnerable. i can't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. my heart is locked high above in a tower guarded by a dragon, surrounded by high walls that is surrounded by a mote with alligators...not to mention a force field around my heart if you actually get passed all those other things. i wish i was not so tainted. that i could just sit with my heart wide open to everyone and be able to say that im an open book. i pretend to be an open book, but yet when pushed my pages swiftly shut close. and i no longer want to be read. there has been very few people to get passed all the walls and animals and force fields....but once they get there they usually destroy me. i can no longer deal with holding myself together with tape and glue. i want to be made whole, but there has been so much damage that i doubt it will ever happen. tape and glue doesn't really hold together a heart very well.

so to wear your heart on your sleeve, you have to be willing to be hurt....if not lock your heart up in a tower guarded from the villains of life.

week two done

i am done with the second week of classes now. i survived my first week of work and school together. my body feels like it is going to just quit on me and not function any more. i have barely anytime to eat or do anything. (not literally) and i am going constantly from work to school to homework. and on the weekend i am doing homework and trying to find some time to relax. i took time last weekend to relax and go to the beach for a bonfire. last night i was able to go on a midnight hike to the nearby hill. it was crazy steep and crazy dark. but it was super fun. i never really do anything like that. i never do anything adventurous or dangerous. and this was the first time i have really tried something new.

i realized that i really don't have the money or the ability to go home next weekend. even though im beyond homesick. i miss my dad more then anything right now. and i really want to be able to see him. and of course joey doesn't understand what that feels like. and can't even relate a little bit. it drives me up a wall when i try to explain things to him and he just doesn't get it.

i was told i have to write a paper about how i got to where i am as a writer....and you can tell that im working super hard on that right now. but i don't really know how i got to where i am as a writer. i wrote things in a blog, in a diary for many years. it is a form of something for me to express my feelings. i don't like writing papers to a certain form. i really hate writing papers about writing even more. im going to tell him that too. i have had great teachers. and loved most of them. but as a writer, i am not very good. i haven't really been able to write papers. and i can't wait for the day when i no longer have to write papers for a teacher. how am i supposed to come up with a catchy first sentence when i don't give a crap about writing? how am i supposed to write about my past as a writer when i really don't have one? well i guess i will just have to come up with something. something that will fill 4 pages. i could talk about writing as being an outlet for me. a way to express my feelings when im angry or upset. or some other strong emotion. or i could write about how writing has been a constant struggle for me since day one. or how ASL 4 will forever influence how i think about words in general.

oh the days of high school how i miss you. the days where i thought things were never going to get better for home, but yet school seemed to be my way of escaping that. now that home is almost non existent, i have nothing to run away from. how am i supposed to focus on this when i don't want to run from reality anymore?

week three begins tomorrow. what will that bring to me? only God knows.

drunken teachers, math homework, and backpacks

the first week is almost over....classes go until tomorrow for me. one more day to survive. and yet so much has happened. my english teacher, i swear teaches drunk...or high....or both.

i love my math teachers and they are amazing. and i can't wait to see what the rest of this quarter brings me. i am struggling to keep the two classes straight but i know that i can do it...i just need to focus on it. which i will do.

the backpack tent event is done, but i ended that with more money coming to me in the next few weeks...and a job which im looking forward to it. because i really like my boss.

i am thinking that this might be a long quarter thanks to my english teacher and the fact that all my classes are so close in time together. or the fact that im not going to have time to go home as i thought i was going to. but im definitely going to keep busy and keep my mind away from things that make me go crazy.

iama mustang

*makes a sound like a horse*

three days into this college thing, and i think i can get used to it. maybe not live forever like this....but get use to enough to survive the next four years of college. i haven't found any certain person that i totally love and adore yet...but i have been able to meet a billion new people. some interesting, some not so interesting. it definitely wasn't easy the first night. but i got through it. and i know that i will get through this week, the first awkward week of being in a new place, and being around so many people at once. i got a job, and now im hoping that i will find some friends that i feel comfortable with. its also nice to be around people who have no idea what my life has been like. no idea what my past has held. and no questions to ask but "whats your major" or "where do you live"

but sharing a bathroom with like 25 other people is something i may never get used to.

may God give me whats best in the year to come.

one foot in front of the other

i have been so busy, i haven't had time to sit down and write.

i have been taking one day at a time. not planning for tomorrow until the very last minute, because i know i should be focused on my todays...and not my tomorrows, for we aren't promised them.

if i think too much, my mind shuts down and my whole body goes into a nervous state and i get so sick to my stomach. so im just taking my days one day at a time.

i had to say goodbye to my two best friends. it was hard. all i wanted to do was sit and cry. and not think about the idea of me not being able to see them in person till thanksgiving, and that isn't even a for sure thing yet. but i have to remember that God has been taking care of me this far, and He will continue to do so. I saw one of my favorite teachers also yesterday. I know God is going to give her a few extra jewels for being such an amazing lady. i am definitely going to miss her class.

my heart is heavy with uncertainty with my return here, but i know that i will find my car, where ever it may be, come back here and visit the people i love.

i have to remember that this is not my home, my home is with the people that love me...even if they are scattered across the state and out of state.

do hard things

I just finished another book, given to me by joey. it was really good. it was called "Do Hard Things" by Alex&Brett Harris. they are younger brothers to the guy who wrote "I kissed dating goodbye" and extremely amazing authors. They wrote to teenagers talking about how sometimes life just makes us think that we should be doing the norm, which isn't that hard for us...and we are called to a higher calling. we are called to do hard things. some things may be harder for others. like mine would be sticking a relationship out...or liking someone before judging them...or accepting people for who they are. others it might be to read the Bible more, or to head up a campaign when they are super shy. it is all relative to the person.

i did find some things that were quote worthy...not a lot. it was more of a book that made me think then a book i wanted to quote.

"God set His standards this high so that we won't make the mistake of aiming low. He made them unreachable so that we would never have excuse to stop growing" Page 101

"It's possible to be so concerned with what has happened in the past or so caught up in what's happening in the present, that we pay no attention to what God has for us next." Page 191.

it was an extremely good book. there was no hard words, but it made you think if you are giving your very best to how you live your life. am i giving my very best to school, even if it comes easy...why am i settling for the easy when I could be going beyond what people expect of me. am i trying hard enough in my life to make a difference or do I settle for being mediocre?

www.therebelution.com

reality vs dreams

how am i supposed to sleep at night when my reality for the past few days has been better then any dream i could come up with?

my life hasn't been perfect, and i know that things won't always be perfect....but when i have days like this, i feel like i can conquer the world, i fear nothing, and nothing can hurt me. but i know to not set myself up too high because when things go wrong, then i come crashing even farther.

i got to spend the night with someone i love. someone i care about. though i couldn't fall asleep very well, it was still worth it. it was worth being able to roll over in the morning and smile at him and look at his face. and kiss him with his bad morning breath. (and mine too).

but i know that im trying to soak up as much time as i can in the next few weeks because he will be gone from me. and im more determined after the past few days to make things work. i feel like this is someone God has placed in my life for a reason. God has allowed my heart to open up to him for a reason.

i feel like for once, something is going the way i want it to. it isn't because of anyone else. its something i have wanted, worked at, and got. i feel like this is meant to be something amazing....even if its for a little while. which i hope its not. i hope this lasts longer then a little while. i want to make sure it does.

A month

A month left. I have 3 fridays left. just 3 short weeks before he is gone. 5 fridays till I am moving away from this town. I have to stretch the next month out as long as possible. I can't believe that life has come to this point so fast. I feel like I need more time. I want more time here, to go back to be with friends I know, and have grown to love. I don't want new ones. I don't want to learn new faces, new personalities, new surroundings.......

yet my mind is ready. my mind is excited for the new experiences. I am ready to be out of this heat, and out of this house that has become my prison, holding all the memories of hurt and anguish against me. the walls haunt me with nightmares reaching out to hold me back from moving forward.

I am thankful for the people i have met, the experiences that i have gone through, the schools and teachers i have gone through. I am thankful for the roof over my head that has sheltered me from so many storms, the best friends that have stood beside me and carried me when i felt like drowning in my own tears.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Edward Estlin Cummings

heard this poem on a movie...and loved it. :)

hosea

there has been so much that has happened in a few days. my life has forever altered by the events. and it feels like weeks ago that it happened.

i thought for sure it was the end of a friendship. that we would never again speak or see each other. but as fate would have it, we saw each other the very next day. and feelings came rushing back. thoughts of past were brought up to present. we talked about what would happen if we were to forgo everything we knew was true, and decided to be selfish and take what we wanted. we tempted fate and pushed buttons just a little too much. i then was faced with the task of sharing the events with the boyfriend. i was given a response that only hosea would reply with....."ok, lets move forward" and that was it. the subject wasn't talked about again for the remainder of the evening. we did however talk about the next day. when we were in person again. i wanted to know his thoughts on it, and why he didn't freak out. i was expecting some yelling, some hurtful words but all i received was love and affection and a kiss. he told me that he wanted me to be happy. which i was. the kiss meant nothing to me, and felt nothing like a kiss should feel between two people. i realized that it made me happier with boyfriend, and that i wouldn't want to leave for someone else of the past. though my head longed to be with the person of the past, my heart longed to be with someone else.

i was asked why i went to the idea of running out a relationship, of why i had kissed someone else. i realized that no one has ever really stayed around in my life to work through the problems. every one has ran away. its comfortable for me. i don't want to confront the problems....or work through them. i want to be detached from everyone and everything. i want to go from one thing to the next. because thats what i know. thats what is comfortable to me. "hosea" told me that he wasn't going anywhere. that he wanted to be with me. and stay with me. and if i needed to kiss someone else because i needed final closure with him, then he was going to ignore it.

i am reading a book called redeeming love, its the fictional story of hosea. a man who follows what God calls him to do, and marry a prostitute. he has to buy her back twice, after she leaves and returns to what she finds comfortable. there is a hosea in my life. one who has brought me the sunshine. there is one part of the book where michael (hosea) has his wife Mara (the prostitute) and they are walking through the dark forest and he is dragging her along. she is all pouty and doesn't want to be there. finally they reach an empty hill, nothing around. its dark. and she sits down. he tells her to wait for the sunrise....she doesn't want to but does anyways because she doesn't know her way home. finally the sun rises and he wraps his arms around her and says that he wants to show her the light. and take away that darkness.

i feel like i am mara, being taken from such a horrible life by such a Godly man. someone who will buy me back if he has to, fight for me if he has to, and love me as long as he can.

so now we move forward. away from this weekend...away from my past and run together as far away as we can.

im so thankful God has placed a Hosea in my life.

goodbye

this summer has been about getting closure. about saying goodbye to those who i may never see or talk to again. to get one last hug from them. to see their smile once more.

i want to be able to tell them that they meant a lot to me while i had them in my life. that they influenced me. that they had an effect on who i have become over the last 4 years.

but yet a part of me doesn't want to say goodbye. i don't want to leave them and face another change in my life. but i know i have to.

goodbye is such a final word.

adieu, au revoir, ciao, adios.

all such sad words. you have to say goodbye to leave, to be apart from each other.

and such good friends will not be saying goodbye but instead a simple see you soon.

so maybe i will be saying goodbye to someone now, but i know that i will be saying hello to someone else in a few weeks.

by me saying goodbye, it allows me to move forward without any what ifs left. all my questions have been answered. all my tears have been shed. i am walking forward with nothing or no one holding me back.

so if this is goodbye forever, then im thankful you were part of my life. if this is goodbye for now, i look forward to seeing you again.

hallway

so last night i was in church...and the speaker talked about his sisters vision of a hallway and jesus. and some other things....but im going to focus on the hallway aspect.

i feel like im walking through the worst part of the hallway this last year. its lined with the terrible things that has happened. i walk down it, and things just come out of the doors along the way...grab me and take me inside their room. rip me to shreds, and then throw me back out onto the main path. i pick myself up and continue down the path way only to be grabbed again. ripped again. and thrown back out. yet like in her vision, i see that there is something better at the end of the hallway...something worth walking towards.

i have been shutting people out of my life. i have been ignoring them....pushing them away. because i don't want to be hurt in a few weeks when i leave. i don't want to be sad leaving my heart here. but yet it seems like thats what will happen. when i drive away, my heart is going to be left behind. everything i have been working for the last few years is what im driving to. i can't just stay in one place forever. i can't just stay here because this is where my heart is. where my family and friends are. i have to move forward...make new friends...and stay in contact with the old.

i sat in complete silence today. in a car. the only thing i could hear was the car accelerating, and decelerating. i just sat there staring out the window, my heart slowly breaking because i can't seem to open my mouth and tell one of the two people i love more then myself whats on my mind. i can't open my mouth because the minute i do, i start crying. i can't tell them whats going on because it would mean im letting them in...im allowing myself to open up to someone that im leaving in 6 weeks. to someone that i don't know what the future holds for our relationship, our friendship. and i can't seem to allow myself to tell them the truth in person face to face because i can't be that vulnerable to them.

July

So far July has been a good month. Things have been looking up, and I have been enjoying life as it is. there has been a few bumps, of course. but nothing too big.

this weekend is going to be long. i won't be able to use my phone a lot and i will have to be paying attention to details and things i could care less about. but im going to see a wedding. be part of a wedding. im so excited about that.

there is so much on my mind, i sat down to write it all out, but then when i got here.....i can't seem to type everything.

on to the beach today with friends....then onto my grandparents house, then onto washington tomorrow.

last day of june

finally the month of june is done.

I was thinking about where I was last year. it was the summer between junior and senior year. it was supposed to be my last summer just relaxing, and this summer was going to be full of hard work trying to get ready for college in the fall. it was. i enjoyed last summer more then i can describe. it was full of adventure and me constantly being busy. but my mind wasn't set on the goals ahead of me. i was thinking about the now, instead of the future. i was with someone for the wrong reasons, and now that i look back on it, i wish i could take it all back. things got so out of control and i wish that i didn't have any of those experiences. but i did, and now i have to come out stronger and better. i have to rise above it all.

but yet all i want to do i hide and curl up under my blankets and stay there.

people ask me whats wrong, or how im doing....and i can't answer them truthfully because there isn't too many people out there that have experienced remotely close to my life. and when i do explain it, all i get is "im sorry" and i dont like people who say that. i don't want your sympathy. you can't really be sorry for me because you don't understand. you can't even begin to imagine what has happened to me. i don't need your pity.

there are days where i want to take a year off from school, and spend my days doing nothing and try to figure out my life. but then i remember that i spent the last 4 years preparing for college. i did everything to my best and succeeded with flying colors. i have been dreaming about college for years now. and i remember that i can't take a year off. i can't afford to not be in a classroom learning. because my sanity depends on it.

only God knows what is going to happen, where I am going to be in a few months. and it drives me up a wall because people are asking me....and i can't answer them.

i don't know anything. its out of my control.

tying up loose ends

college is just a mere two months away from me. almost within touch. i am working really hard to make sure the paper work and all the money is done. so that after july 15th i can enjoy my summer. and not think about anything but enjoying the days i have with my best friends.

but at the same time, im saying goodbye to those i know that i won't see that much over the next few months. i have called or texted people that i normally don't talk to, or that some how we don't talk anymore. i have been talking to people and trying to find closure with them to be able to go to college and have the clearest mind possible....and not think about how i should have apologized or been a better friend or something.

it seems like its a bit out of guilt, and maybe it is. but wouldn't it be better to do it out of guilt and make it right then to not do it at all and have that hanging over my head the next four years?

i think so.

this week im going to be seeing one of my old friends. some how throughout the last year thanks to a break up, she chose their side and not mine. so we lost touch. we haven't talked much since january, and i am ok with that. i know that she will survive and she is a strong young lady. i don't like the fact that her and her family have decided to ignore me because of the actions that took place 6 months ago. but what can i do? so this week i asked her to get together and see her once more.

so i can hug her once more before going off to college and we may never talk again.

so i can tell her that she was a good friend to me and that i hope her senior year is the best year yet.

so i can tell her that i am ok with the fact we may never talk or see each other again because she chose to pick their side.

i have been doing this a lot recently. i talked to someone i haven't talked to in almost 2 years because he wanted to make sure all his apologies were done before moving away. i talked to another friend and said goodbye to them.

this summer is about tying up loose ends, saying goodbye, and being able to start fresh....completely new in the fall.

looking back

i have travelled a road no one else has travelled, not even my family members. we have all had our own road through our lives. experience different things, feel a different way about the same event, loved differently, cried differently, laughed about different things.

my road has been full of bumps and hills and some smooth pavement. it has in no means been easy, but what is? i guess the "easy" button for staples. haha. i have had the people who surround me and love me for support.

i have been writing my "yearbook" signings to my closest friends. it has made me realize how lucky i am to have the friends who surround me. they have all been there in their own special way. they have blessed my life differently. and effected me differently.

today was the hardest day of the year for me. and i have had several friends just send me their love. even if they don't understand what its like, or how i feel. i know that i should be more ok with everything since it has been so long, and i never really knew her. but i am not ok. i still have an aching heart. i still long to have her in my life. and get to know her. and fight with her. and hug her when something exciting happens.

but life can't be perfect all the time...only have perfect moments.

see it feels bad now, but its going to get better.......some day!

Soul Cravings

So I enjoyed writing my quotes down with Dear John so much that I am going to start doing it again with this new book, Soul Cravings by Erwin Raphael McManus. It is a very thought provoking book, and I have so many things I want to write down, but I chose only a few things. I am only a few entries in, but I have so many pages dogeared. I am going to post the quotes by entry number.

Foreword:

"If we're not careful, we might find ourselves with everything this world has to offer and later find we have lost ourselves in the clutter"

"Bitterness is the enemy of love because it makes you unforgiving and unwilling to give love unconditionally. It is the enemy of hope because you keep living in the past and become incapable of seeing a better future."

Section called Intimacy:

Entry 2:

"no matter how many times we fail at love or how many times love fails us, we plow ahead. Even the scars of love rarely stop us from risking at love."

Entry 4:

"Love is not a limited commodity. Love expands as we give it away. Love dies when we do not. Without love there is no life. To love is to be fully human."

Entry 7:

"Love is not about how many people we have used, but about how much we have cherished one person"

Entry 8:

"Home is ultimately not about a place to live but about the people with whom you are mist fully alive. Home is about love, relationship, community, and belonging and we are all searching for home."

Entry 9:

"Sometimes the thing we want the most, we fear the most"

Entry 10:

"If our goal is to get people to conform, you can accomplish that without love, but you can't maintain a civilization without the rule of law."

Entry 11:

"When it comes to love, it has to be face to face. There has to be contact. Love cannot exist where there is only distance. Love can survive distance, but only by the strength of what comes through intimacy."

Entry 13:

"When life isn't what it should be, love gives us the strength to endure whatever may come."

Entry 15:

"While our brains may deny it, our hearts know it: love is proof of God"

Entry 16:

"I am not who I want to be, but I am on the journey there, and thankfully I am not whom I used to be."

"Honesty is the only context in which intimacy can develop."

Entry 17:

"In a healthy context of loving relationships we come to know ourselves. When we live outside of healthy community, we not only lose others, but we lose ourselves."

Section called Destiny:

Entry 1:

"Bottom line: we cannot live the life of our dreams without an irrational sense of destiny. And all of us have dreams. More than that, all of us need dreams. Some of us sadly are just sleeping through them."

Entry 3:

"'It is only to the individual that a soul is given' Albert Einstein"

"When we stop dreaming, we start dying"

Entry 5:

"That door once passed through changes our lives forever; not because life is now better than it has ever been, but because we know we are on the path we were created to walk."

"Without dreams we have nothing to pull us forward."

"Our dreams are where God paints a picture of a life waiting to be created."

Entry 6:

"Evil never asks for permission"

Entry 7:

"All of us are called to a place we have not been. Our lives were always intended to be journeys into the unknown."

"God calls us out of a life we have known, and calls us to a life we have never imagined"

Entry 12:

"You were not created to run from challenges, to live life in angst or to drown in despair. This is not a good place for your soul. You also can't move forward into your future when you are paralyzed by fear."

Entry 14

"What our souls long to become is not something other than human, but to become beautifully human."

Entry 16:

"Hope is the fuel through which we create the future"

Entry 20:

"To be a follower of Christ is to believe that everyone's life can be different. No one is defined by the status of birth. Our destiny is not limited to our pedigree. Every human being is of equal value to God. No one must remain a prisoner of fate."

Entry 22:

"To come to God is to discover the uniqueness of your being."

Entry 23:

"If Jesus is God, then God is a a God of passion. He is not a force or energy-indifferent to the human condition. He has created us like him-with passion and desire and emotion. God is like a fire that burns within your soul."

Entry 24:

"Our greatest danger is living for whatever we can take and devour now and destroying our future in the process."

Entry 25:

If you were meant to fly not even running really fast is that impressive."

"Somewhere in the walls of prison known as Shawshank, Red warns Andy Dufresne that hope can be dangerous thing, which we soon discover is the whole point of Shawshank Redemption-that fear can hold you prisoner and hope can set you free."

Section called Meaning:

Entry 2:

"We cannot live in healthy, functioning relationships when we choose to lie to each other."

Entry 7:

"Before you can find God in the answers, you have to find him in the questions."

Entry 10:

"The real struggle is not with knowing the world beyond us, but with knowing the world within us."

Entry 13:

"Is it possible that God created us with the power to create the world of our choosing?"

Entry 14:

"We were all wanderers in the same forest trying to find a fresh trail to truth."

"Accuracy is less important to us then authenticity."

"Truth exists because God can be trusted."

Entry 15:

"Truth isn't something you conclude; truth is something you become."

Entry 17:

"The more trustworthy you can determine the source is, the shorter the leap of faith."

Entry 18:

"We use our freedom to get where we want to go and then find ourselves trapped and can't get out without help."

Entry 20:

"You just have to be careful not to come to the tragic conclusion that just because you've experienced something that was false and maybe even toxic, there is nothing that is good."

Entry 21:

"Sometime the only reason we keep going is that we don't want to stay where we are or go back to where we've been."

"When we are drowning in the counterfeit, our souls become sick. When we are immersed in what is true, we begin to experience wholeness and health. Ever when you feel like you're driving blind, full speed ahead in the middle of the night, you have to keep going; you have to continue searching for truth; you have to keep looking for meaning: you have to keep trying to make sense of life. When life doesn't make sense, it becomes all about trust. Sometime you're driving full speed down a very dark road. All you can do is trust the driver and let him take you home."

Section called Seek:

"We can get lost in desires and never find what our souls long for."

"Funny how we can be absolutely uncertain about what we are looking for and yet be absolutely certain we haven't found it."

"One ink blot in particular clearly gave me a choice between a bat and a butterfly. I saw them both, and fully understood the implications. Which would I choose? But frankly what do you do what your soul wants butterflies and the world keeps sending you bats? Maybe you become Batman. You take your worst fear and make it your strength."

"Imogen Heap's song 'Hide and Seek'"

Thats it, I finished the book. It was well worth reading. I couldn't put it down. It made me think more about my life and about my walk of life.