thankfulness

i am more then thankful for the people who have surrounded me this year. im thankful for those that have stood next to me when i have fallen, made mistakes, and rejoiced with me this past year. even if they are no longer part of my current everyday life.

there always will be days full of hate and bitterness, where nothing goes right, when i feel the most down. but its the support of the people that makes me get through them.

im thankful that i have the money to go to school.

that i have a family there even if they arent blood.

that i have a boyfriend that sits next to me when im happy and sad

that i have a house to come to when college gets too much

i have so many things to be thankful for, yet i cant seem to express my thankfulness to those people.

the words "thank you" just dont seem to be enough.

another week done.

so its the end of another week. things haven't been all roses and rainbows this week for me. i have been super worried. and stressed out. and overwhelmed......sigh. and then school work has been piling up because finals are just around the corner. but thankfully my grades are not that bad. they aren't great....but i need to just have a C or better and then i can move forward and away from these classes. i didn't know i could settle for just a C. but i realize that i need to just graduate. and pay my way through this. my pay checks are for my college tuition but also some of them are going towards my extra things....like my christmas presents. and my trips home. because i need to have those small pleasures.

good news, im doing better at work.

onto my next week.

break

i went home. it feels amazing. i love the idea of sleeping in my bed for once. but at the same time, i want to go back already. this house is depressing. i want to move. i don't need this empty house anymore. and i feel that my other breaks will be hard to come back to the empty house.

i feel kinda bad for not having work today because i know that everyone else is covering for me....but i needed this break. i needed to get away from people and just be on my own away from them just for a few days.

now to see my best friend. and my boyfriend today. i get to see the two most important people in my life. two months is a long time.....and it feels a really long time

forever is a long time....and time has a way of changing things.

how can you promise me your love forever. when you don't know how things are going to happen in the future.

the broken road

there has been a broken road leading me to you. all those others that i loved don't mean anything now. i look back and think that i was so happy then, but really it was just getting me through till now. till right now when i can see myself 4 years from now still with you. still laying on skype for 7 hours at a time. still wanting to be with you. and to lay next to you. still hearing that heartbeat knowing that your alive. and smiling at your creepy smile.

as i look back at all the pictures, memories are flooded back to my mind as i remember what it was like to be with them. all of them. and none of them can live up to what you mean to me. they all have their special places in my heart and they all mean something in who i am today. but none of them will be as special as you are to me. i was asked if i thought it was a mistake to say that i loved them all, and still love you now. i don't know if it was a mistake, but i don't regret it. i did love them, in their own special way. just like i love you in your own way. i love you differently then the rest of them.

its hard losing friends after the relationships end, but friends come and go. if they were truly my best friend the fights, the arguing, the bitter hateful words, the hardships we had gone through would have not meant they walked away from me. but i guess i need to let them go and never look back on who i was with them. i need to look forward and think about the joy and the happyness we have together. the person i get to be with you.

this wasn't the super fast head over heels love im used to. it was the over time, growing through pain, and laughter love. the one that you learn to appreciate. the one that is built over time, through the hardships. the love that is stronger then the love that comes quickly. that kind of love that comes so fast you don't have time to nurture it, and let it grow.

Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast. it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.... Love never fails.

the very definition of the love you show me every day of our relationship.

change or routine

do i really want things to change? or am i wanting things to stay the same?

i wouldn't mind things staying the same ever just for a few years. or a few months....but things aren't that way. things always change. constantly moving, constantly rearranging. new opportunities come around, and old friends disappear only to be replaced by new ones. i wonder what those people are doing that used to mean so much to me. i wonder what would have happened if last year stayed the same. i wonder what would have happened if i never met him. i wonder what would have happened if i went to a different school.

there are days i wish things were normal. where i knew my life didn't stick out from the rest of the people i met. we all have our unique stories...im just tired of people hearing mine and saying "wow" or "omg im sorry" when in reality, im not that sorry it happened. it made me the motivated, independent person i am today.

there are days i want to give up. but then i look on my wall and remember that i have people who are here to support me, to be there when i need to lean on someone. and be the encouragement i need. even a 5 minute phone call helps. or a quick talk to an old friend.

so week 7 is done. geography test done, and two more math tests to go. and then thursday morning, im out of here. im going to run away from everything even if its for a few short days. i need to run away from here. from reality.

i need to live in a non realistic place. where it seems like dreams come true.