longing for closure

I wish that I had a place to go. I wish I had somewhere to have the time alone and remember her.

I walked through a memorial area this afternoon and just wept at the stones laid in the ground. All the parents, all the children, the grandparents, cousins, friends, laid to rest...leaving people behind. My heart broke for the people who lost someone. But I realized that I am not alone. I am not alone in my struggle to cope with losing someone close to me. There are hundreds, thousands even, of people out there today struggling with moving on with their life after losing someone. I walked past another memorial, decorated in red white and blue, and looked at the date on the stone....8-7-11...just 6 days ago. The grass around it was dug up, it looked like it was freshly moved. Those people just lost someone, they haven't had time to even process this unfortunate event.

It bothers me the most that I don't have somewhere to go. That my dad decided to spread the ashes around the house, and not make somewhere where us, the left behind family and friends, can go and remember her. It is supposed to be that she is everywhere around me, and that she isn't just in one spot, but to have such a thing doesn't have closure that I long for. It has been 15 years, and I can't seem to have that point in my life of closure. Some attribute that to the lack of answers I have about my mother....but part of me doesn't want those answers because I know I won't like them. I won't like to hear about the story.

To walk around that memorial and see people driving up and placing flowers on a grave, broke my heart for them. I understand the pain they are going through. I understand the hurt and hole they feel in their life. I want that place they have to go to. And remember her.....

lazy bug, or worry bug

do you ever have those days where you just can't shake that bug off you? and you spend the whole day just being lazy because your body just feels miserable, but you know you haven't done anything unusual.

that was my day. i spent the weekend with my dad, and then i woke up this morning just feeling plain miserable, i didn't want to move, breathe, do anything but just lay there and watch mindless tv.

something else has been weighing on me, and maybe today it just finally caught up to me. i know i can't do anything, i can't change anything, i can't improve the situation in any shape or form. but i still think about it, i still sit there and tear up just thinking about the possibility.

i think about the things that will be missed, the things in the future that may or may not happen that won't be shared...instead of looking back at all those memories we did share. we make so many memories and so many things happened with you, that i shouldn't be sad about the things you won't do in the future, but instead think about the things we did do in the past.

how do i explain the importance of something to me, when i don't want to be judged or pitied. i don't want to hear that "oh that makes sense" but in that sad tone that is straight up pity. but i want to be able to share the reason it is important to me with people. maybe they will understand a little more about me, and why i do such things.

words hurt. no matter if they were told 5 minutes ago, or 5 years ago. those words still ring in my ear, they still dig into my heart and twist the knife harder. i heard something said to me, that i have heard before. nothing new...but it still hurt like the first time. it still stung me even though i pretend it doesn't. but when i go home, i sit on my bed and i ponder those words....are they really true? am i really like that? people tell me that it was just that person's opinion, but how many times do you have to hear that opinion for it to be right?

looking back, looking forward

my heart aches for you. i can't believe you have grown up so fast, and i can't believe that you think you know better for my life then i do. i can't believe those harsh words left your mouth and those eyes looked and judged me for making my own choices instead of what you wanted for me. i can't believe you want to throw away our friendship.

my heart is definitely broken. I look back over the many friendships i have had over the years. i have worked for some and tried very little with others. friends come and go in life. there are some who stick around for years upon end, and others who come into my life for a short season. but for some reason they were in my life. they make a footprint on my heart as the walk out of my life. i know that i shouldn't be so upset about the friends that walk away from me, but i am. i am sad that those friends were the ones to leave. but im glad to have the friends who have stuck around. they are my rock and my foundation when everything else is destroyed. i know that i can turn to any of them and they will be there for me. and i would be there for them.

some day i will lose you. i know that some day you will be leaving me forever, but i can't imagine that day when i can't just call you and you will answer. i shouldn't blame God for taking you away, because i know that you have lived your life to the fullest. you have shared your wisdom with me and raised me the way mom couldn't. but im not ready to let you go. im not ready to let you leave me here.

the other day, i mentioned that you were going to marry me, and you smiled, kissed my hand and said yes i am going to.

that night made me one of the happiest people here. i can't wait to see what the future holds. we left each other for a brief time, but then found each other. the way we used to be. we argue, we yell, we frustrate each other, we laugh, we hug, we kiss, we make each other complete. you make me complete. you are my other half.