confusion

i wish i could place all the thoughts from my head into words, words that make sense. but instead its all jumbled up inside of me pushing to be released.

i am so bitter that people are making up rumors and causing problems for my best friend. i was so glad that she was found but i am annoyed that everyone wont let it go for now until the families are ready to release information. if they want to cause drama, go back to high school. seriously

i am in this rut that im confused. i want to be with him. i love him to death and have fallen so head over heels for him. but there are a few things that bother me. the fact that he spoils me. dont get me wrong i love being spoiled here and there, but when we are both older and looking for a house or college, the spoiling needs to be limited. i would rather spend money on things i need and have to have. i spoil myself here and there but thats not very often. i want someone that can save money and plan for the future. another thing im learning is to deal with the child like behavior ADD brings and the counteractions of the medication here and there. i am learning to deal with it and allow him to be himself. i don't want to be the girl that keeps him caged and controlls him. i like being spoiled and i love being with him. but am i able to stay with him through everything. i want to be with him because he makes me feel good, and he listens to me, and wants to be with me. he is willing to be committed to me and stay with me. for now. and im scared out of my mind that he is going to leave. i am trying to trust him and allow him to be my rock (next to God of course) and yet there is still a thing in the back of my head that says to be careful, to love cautiously. if i find out down the line that he isn't the one i want to spend forever with, i will be too attached and won't want to allow myself to separate from him. i will put myself through torture and stay with him even though i found out he isn't all that great. but at this moment i feel like he is the right one. to be dating and i wouldn't mind marrying him but if my best girl friend thinks differently, i would listen to her. i don't know what im going to do. i know that this hasn't been a bother to me long enough to be something i would actually follow up on. and i think that its just something that i worry about that isn't really something that should be a bother.

i am overthinking things.

Missing Girls

Friday night my best friend in the whole world went missing. we didn't find out till sunday. she had left with her friend lexi and now they can't be found. i am in the middle of the command center and am in caos constantly. my step mom is the commander of all that is press related, search related. i mean everything. the families have gone to her and asked her for help. it has been 4 days straight of this. since sunday afternoon. today is thursday. i have had to stay up and do some household chores because she is preoccupied. now dont get me as im complaining because i want to be able to help in any form to find those girls. i just am wanting to return to normalcy.

i am praying that the girls are found soon. i want them to get home and come back to us. i love julianne and i want to hear her laugh again. i don't want to hear the sadness anymore.

summer reflections

i laugh every time im facebook because it is the one place that everyone can connect. you can see pictures of everyone else. you can see what they are doing and who they are hanging out with.

i want to go back out of the facebook world. because i miss the times we all spent together talking and hanging out. taking those pictures.

this summer has been one of the best yet changed summer.

this summer was different in that i didn't spend as much time with those friends i loved. i didn't see them hardly at all. we got together maybe once or twice over the last 3 months. and last summer we spent almost once a week together. last summer there was a lot more of group activities but of course because we are all growing up and moving forward, we all don't talk much anymore. we see each other on facebook or comment on the wall. but rarely do we say, "hey lets all meet up and go to starbucks" or have a party. we are all too busy with all our different friends and our own lives. don't get me wrong, thats great to have lots of friends. i have a million. but at the same time, lets not forget those friends that were with us during those hard times. that were there for us.

this summer was one of the best summers. i got to hang out with new friends. i fell in love. when everything else seemed impossible, i turned to my best friends and they were there for me. i spent a lot of time with family this summer. family i don't normally see. i got in touch with some of the people that changed my life when i was little. and i changed the path i am taking in my life. and started a new adventure.

i loved this summer no doubt. i loved all the fun adventures i had. and i loved having those new friends. i just wish i had more time of summer fun to hang out with my old friends. to let them know i still care about them and am there for them.

i guess everything can't stay the same forever....can it?

who says

we can't be strong, and independent, and have freedom?

who are the people controlling our every move?

or should I say WHAT is controlling our every move?

what is stopping us from that freedom in Christ? What is hindering us from dancing like little kids during worship? What is stopping us from lifting our hands and singing like we just don't care?

our pride

who says we have to have a wall around us? who says we can't be blunt and honest with everyone around us? what is stopping us from telling the people off that make us mad?

our pride

our pride seems to be the cause of all our problems now. we are too prideful to allow ourselves to look foolish. to have that wall broken down. we should become humble and accept the fact that we are all people. we are humans and we make mistakes. who cares? we should no longer judge others.

but it seems i am the worst possible person to be saying this. i am the one who sits in the back of the church looking at all the adults raising their hands and think "why can't i allow myself to do that and not be ashamed?" i am the person who looks at others and what they do and am so judging of their actions. i think "i am not as bad as them." or "they look weird they must have problems"

i remembered tonight while singing the little kids at the VBS i went to while in Washington. the little kids danced around and sang their little hearts out to the Lord and didn't care what the other kids thought. they tried doing the motions but sadly failed. but they tried. now all we are doing in church is standing when told, sitting when told, and maybe a few of us lift our hands when we feel led. but there are no more silly motions to go along with the songs when we grow up.

i also remembered the church i love visiting when im at my grandparents house. most of the people in the church are over the age of 50. their kids have kids. they have been through everything among them all, and they all know what they want from life. they have their life figured out, and are now just waiting to go home with the Lord. they sing and praise the Lord even though half of them are tone deaf, and can't sing a note to save their lives. but they want to make sure they praise Jesus for everything He has done in their lives over the last few decades. all the trials He has brought them through.

I want the freedom to sing and dance like a little child, and yet be praising God for everything He has walked me through. He has been by my side through everything, even though I don't always feel like He has been. I love the poem "Footprints" because it reminds me that God sometimes carries me, when I look back and see only one set of footprints.

im sorry

i wish i could look you in the eyes and say everything is going to be just fine. and that nothing is wrong. but we just promised to never use those words didn't we?

sitting out on my driveway for 2 hours just talking was nice. i wish it wasn't about how scared we are or about the worries we both bear. i wish i could say i would be a better girlfriend and not freak out. but i don't know how to be that girl. i want to let you in and know the pain i feel but i love you too much to tell you the sadness i have, the hurt i have endured. i don't want to put you through knowing that, that way you can't fake the sympathy. i don't want your sympathy.

i'm sorry that i turned away from you. I am sorry that i didn't go to you for the help. but don't give up on me just yet. just stay with me a little bit longer and allow me to get into my comfort zone. let me get comfortable with trusting you. i don't want to let someone else hurt me, and i have built the wall. but baby please don't just stop trying. i know you aren't perfect and i am afraid that my imperfections may clash with yours, and that may be the downfall of us. but i don't want it to be. i don't want this to end. i don't want to give up everything for something stupid.

made new

There are so many new things this year,

new school

new friends

new schedule

new teachers

new books

but with all the new we can't forget the old

old friends that have stuck by our sides for 3 years now

that old backpack that has made it through 3 years of being thrown around

that old pair of shoes from last year we have to rewear this year because money is tight

and that old hurt you pushed to the back of your mind for the summer

or that old outfit we have to make new for school

and that 2,000 year old Book that has stood the test of time

with all the new things of a new school year, there are plenty of old things. i realized that this is our last year of high school. our last first day of school. the last year where people tell us what to do for classes and control our every minute of our day. its our last year for homecoming dances and year books and for those at Linfield, the great race. its our last year to deal with the drama of high school. but all those things won't matter in the end.

what matters is the fact that you followed your heart, no longer allowed peer pressure to take a hold of you, and are able to stand up for what you believe in. because next year you are going to be on your own. out in the real world and have to do things on our own. no more having our parents help us, or having teachers bottle feed us the answers for a test.

what matters is that you stay true to your faith. and not allow your faith to be put in a schedule and work around everything else for time to pray.

this year is going to be the hardest year for me personally because i have had to change everything. i know that it was my choice, but as i am coming closer i am finding that peace about this. i chose to change schools, and i chose to take a math class where i have to take 5 buses to get to it. but if someone tells me i can't do it, i will do it. i am now on my own, managing my own time, and dealing with my own homework. i have to work through my problems with certain people but i know that if i don't say anything, they won't say anything. im sad to be giving up so much. i gave up the teachers that i have grown to love, the program i no longer can do, and i have given up the chance to get ahead.

i am shaking in my boots right now, because i have no idea what to do. but i know that if i trust in Him, He will guide me and show me the right way. He will teach me to love the unloveable, and forgive those who need forgiveness. He will show me what college to go to and provide the money for it.

i want to have a new adventure, get out of my routine and be pushed against everything to test my strength and be lit on fire for God.

I promise

I promise to be there forever

I promise to love you

I promise to support you

I promise to be your friend forever

I promise to never tell your secret

I promise to return your (fill in blank)

I promise to be there on time

I promise to (fill in what ever you want)

So many promises have been made.

Promises have been broken, promises have been kept.

The biggest promise given to man kind was the promise of an eternal life after death. Jesus promises us that He is going to give us riches and a big big house (sings: with lots and lots of rooms) and He promises us life eternally, if we choose life abundantly now. (richie's quote. not mine)

How can man promise another man (or woman to man etc) that they are going to stick around forever, when they may be gone in a flash. I mean didn't my mom promise my dad to be there forever but then she was killed. (I guess thats part of the vows "until death due us part" but i think thats more meaning when your old and gray) So isn't everything on a condition, I promise to love you and be there for you (on the condition i dont die).

How can two people promise each other now, when they could change their mind down the road. I would hate to promise something I couldn't keep. I would hate to promise something and then by circumstances things change and suffer the fact i believed i could fulfill that promise and then i can't. But I know that if i am willing to promise to do something, then i am taking a chance. A chance that something could go wrong, but praying with all my heart it doesn't go wrong.

Now dont misunderstand what im saying. A promise is a great thing. A promise between friends and a guy and a girl. Its amazing how people can promise things and keep their promise. If someone were to promise me something I would trust them to keep their promise unless they gave me reason not to trust them. A promise comes with trust.

If you can't trust a person, then you can't promise something and mean it and keep it.