dear john

i have been reading dear john. and so these are little excerpts that i liked so far. i will be adding to them as i read more.

Savannah: " I've always loved full moons. Ever since I was a kid. I liked to think that they were an omen of sorts. I wanted to believe they always portended good things. Like if I was making a mistake, I would have the chance to start over"

Savannah "my dad always said that when you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."

"It doesn't have to be over" I [John] protested

"But it will be" she said "I know we can write and talk on the phone now and then, and we can see each other when you come home on leave. But it won't be the same. I won't be able to see your silly expressions. We won't be able to lie on the beach together and stare at the stars. We won't be able to sit across from each other and talk and share secrets. And I won't feel your arm around me, like I do now."

John: "You don't sound too broken up about it"

Savannah: "That's because I already cried about it, remember? Besides it's not like I'll never see you again. That's what I finally realized. Yeah, it'll be hard, but life moves fast-we'll see each other again. I know that. I can feel that. Just like I can feel how much you care for me and how much I love you. I know in my heart that this isn't over, and that we'll make it through this. Lots of couples do. Granted, lots of couples don't, but they don't have what we have."

John: On the plane I leaned back in the seat, praying that Savannah had been telling the truth. Though I knew she loved and cared for me, I suddenly understood that even love and caring weren't always enough. They were the concrete bricks of our relationship, but unstable without the mortar of time spent together, time without the threat of imminent separation hanging over us. Although I didn't want to admit it, there was much about her I didn't know....

Tim: "Yeah that of course. But I also learned that it's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time the grief...lessens. It may not ever go away completely, but after a while it's not overwhelming...."

John: Tim had told me-and shown me-that love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be...

thats it. i finished the book. it was a very predictable book, but i liked the story nonetheless. :) sad in some parts, but happy in others. im glad to have read it.

stretching

i am being stretched beyond the breaking point.

i am being torn apart from the inside out.

im told you ask for forgiveness, that i have to confess my sins, and i will be forgiven. great fabulous...thats awesome. but it doesn't get rid of the thoughts, the reminders, the constant voices in my head telling me that i am no longer pure. i am no longer able to stand fully blameless in front of my husband on my wedding night. i took what God meant for good, and turned it into such a horrible selfish act.

and when i am reminded of that, i shut down. i push people i love away from me. i don't want to talk or see them. i push them far away from me. all because i can't handle the reminders.

in Ezekiel it says that God covers us with a garment and wants to keep us covered until the wedding day, but what did i do? disregard his plan, and throw the garment he placed over my body and mind and soul and threw it to the way side. just trampled all over it shoving it back in his face, almost laughing.

i don't get why this is effecting me so much. i mean there are hundreds of people that do this, and they aren't crying, they aren't haunted by nightmares, they aren't hiding in shame.

i have prayed and prayed and prayed for forgiveness, i asked him for forgiveness, but yet nothing is seeming to stop.

im haunted by my past.

God is stretching me and it feels like its beyond my breaking point. i want to shout out and tell him "stop, your hurting me"....but i feel like that would only be a futile action.

pushing the pause button

i wish i could push the pause button on life right now. its the perfect time to push it. i have things to look forward that are joyful, but they haven't happened yet so i still have stuff to look forward to...and the bad things haven't happened yet. so i am not filled with sorrow.

but life doesn't have a pause button.

i realized how attached i have gotten to him. i kept telling myself not to get attached because i knew summer was coming and i knew that i didn't want to deal with another broken heart, and another broken friendship. but he swears its going to be different this time. (thats what they all said) i realized that i have begun to care for him just like i care for my best friend. and when we have to say good bye, i know i will cry. and not want to let go of him. we talked about what we are going to do, but we said that we weren't going to push things too much. i came up with a brilliant idea of getting married....but he didn't think that was a good idea. hahahahahhaha and im sure our parents would not either.

but as i began to think about it, i may joke about getting married to him, but in all honesty i can't see myself marrying anyone right now. i don't see how two humans can love each other. so i know that the marriage would be screwed up before it even started. we talked about saying "the 3 words" and the more we talked about it, the more i realized that i don't romantically love him. so saying "i love you" would not mean anything to me or to us as a couple. i love him more then words can describe just like i love my best friend. if we were to do something to make more of a commitment to each other, there wouldn't be a reason to it. i couldn't say that i love love him. and that i need to say it to him because thats how i am. because i need that thing in my life to fill the hole. instead of having God fill that hole. i need to feel the physical affection from someone....even if its only temporary.

but i know that love does exist again. i have began to see it in different forms. and its not all about the butterflies in your stomach or the fireworks you see when you kiss them. its about the moments of silence shared. the moments of hurt you are there to support each other. the moments of joy you share together. that show the love and affection. and that i don't need to hear those three words from anyone

going deeper

do you ever want a strong connection with someone? you want a more intimate relationship....but something is stopping you? thats how im feeling. i want to be closer to God. I want to be able to have that intimate relationship where nothing is stopping me from calling upon Him. I want to be able to have that closeness I have with my best friend, where I want to call her up when something happens no matter how big or small it is.

but yet something is holding me back. something is keeping me from reaching that venerability with God. the thought of being that open with someone else scares the crap out of me. specially someone that i FEEL like has hurt me many times before. i don't want to be hurt again. and being that open and vulnerable with someone there feels like there is a chance of being hurt. i don't want to allow myself to be loved by someone and to love someone only to have my already damaged heart torn to pieces again.

i have been praying that God will show me what's keeping me from being closer with Him. and i have learned over the last two weeks that i am keeping myself. there is nothing standing in between me and getting closer to Him, but myself.

i am my worst enemy.

stressed beyond belief

i can't even begin to state how stressed out i am. i actually ate real food allllll day today. i know that may seem weird, but i have been eating like diet food the last few weeks. like slim fast and special k. i really like the food. and i have even dropped a whole dress size. but today i just was so stressed that i just didn't care. i ate real fatty food. and a lot of it.

im so worried about college. i know God is going to take me where HE wants me. but it would be nice to have a few signs of what to do in this situation. If i pay the fee for san jose, but end up going to SLO, then i lose that money. if i don't pay it, but don't get into SLO, then im stuck going to a JC. which isn't bad. I just was trying to get away from here and just get the next 4 years started. i want to enjoy being on campus and being away at college and have the dorm room. but i may not even get to do that for awhile. and of course this is MY choice, but i sure don't know what to do. OH and to add to things, i have to do this all within a week. i have two weeks to tell SJ one way or the other. way to stress out a kid. i hate colleges.

i was sitting here playing on itunes, and my phone buzzes. the text was an apology from someone without a name on it. i assumed it was from one person, but then when i asked who it was, i was totally shocked that it was someone else. i could have sworn that he had fallen off the planet, since no one had heard from him in a year or so. he apologized for being such a jerk back when we broke up. it made me laugh because i have totally been where he is at. apologizing for being a jerk. and it takes a lot of courage to text someone that you haven't spoken to in awhile and apologize for something you did a long time ago. i replied saying that i accept his apology. because everyone who apologizes sincerely deserves to be forgiven. now i have forgiven him months and months ago, but it adds closure. now nothing is going to come from this, because we sooo are not right for each other. but maybe this will help him with something and he will gain something.

im glad to know someone else out there has courage to own up to their actions. even if its two years later.

may?!?

i saw a sign on the way home today and it said 5/2/10....i can't even believe we are already in the 5th month of 2010. i have a month left of high school. AHHHHHHH. it seemed like this would never come wayyyy back in like elementary. its scary to not know whats happening next year. but it will be good to have a new adventure.

im sad to leave my friends that i have grown to love over the last few years. i know we won't stop being friends, its just we will be separated by miles. but thats sad. for the last 4 years i could call them up and see them within a few hours at least. and now i will have to wait till a weekend, or a break, to drive a few hours to see them. they have taught me a lot. and i will take what they taught me with me on my new adventure.