time changes things

everyone has those moments.

that moment in time or a friendship or a relationship where things couldn't be better.

that time where you feel free.

the time where you feel content.

i spent the day with a boy yesterday. he has fully captured my heart, and to the point of im falling in love. i love everything about him. and its not even been 2 months of dating. i look forward to being with him for a long time.

that is if time allows it.

i always remember the quote from fox and the hound:

"forever is a long time. and time has a way of changing things".

that has been such a good reminder for me. times change.

friendships are broken, made, rebuilt. all over time.

time heals all things. some things longer then others.

i thought at one time my heart could never be happier, until it was crushed.

now i am feeling that fullness, that happiness, that feeling of content, and love. i am just praying that father time takes it time and allows me to have this boy for a long time.

im so head over heels crazy in love with him. i would hate for our time to be short.

thoughts while at grandparents house

this was something i wrote out during my vacation at my grandparents house. its a bit jumbled but i needed to write it out.

as im sitting at my grandparents house i was brought back to many memories in their house. one being the first time i realized i no longer loved jake.

the second being well not in the house but at the harbor. and i was brought back to the night that was one of the best nights of my life. the night i knew that he had my heart. that dinner the walk along the harbor. and that kiss on the beach when it was barely enough light to see where we were going. holding my heels in one hand and holding his hand in the other. and then i look into that window and remembered that night we talked about so much. and i remember falling in love with him. and i feel like such an idiot to have fallen for someone that decided he wasn’t that into me. and that lied to me for so long. he admitted to lying that one night when he used me but how many other times did he lie to me that i dont know about? i stare at the text messages now from someone that has so quickly captured my heart and think am i allowing myself to go into a trap of being lied to again? am i going to be able to make it this time and not turn to horrible things like last time when things went south.

God has been blessing me this week and has been giving me the encouragement i needed to hear, i received books to read, and the people that love me enough to call me out on my crap. they hold me so high in their books but i feel like i should not be held that high. it feels like im supposed to be the perfect one. and my sister is the horrible black sheep. but in reality she is only doing things that she wants to do. she no longer hides behind the perfect child mask. she is real and legit. and i admire her for it.

i feel like im falling so fast for him. i have been so happy and content with how things are going. but it is just the start. am i able to overcome the fears and love like He loves everyone? am i able to overcome the shattered heart and place the pieces at His feet and trust Him that He has the right guy. and maybe this time around things wont end in a selfish manner?

head over heels

I am falling so head over heels. i havent felt this way in a long time. but something inside of me is saying to back off. to "love cautiously". i have started to fall once again but i am afraid that he is going to catch me for a while then let me drop on my butt once again. and leave. leave like everyone else has. i cant allow myself though to become so guarded i never allow anyone else in.

i have changed things in my mind over the last week. i saw that innocence is not merely something we lose, but its a choice. we choose to lose that innocence over time or we continue to keep it throughout our lives. i chose to lose the innocence long before i was ready to lose it. this last week i have decided to stop trying to become like them, and keep what little innocence i have left. its hard to have innocence about having a broken heart when you have felt that pain. you can't love freely. that is one thing that amazes me about God. he had his heart broken for us over and over again when we sin, yet he seems to always loves us no matter how long it takes us. he felt the most unbearable pain anyone could imagine, and yet he loves us with no strings tieing him down. he loves so freely his children, those who follow him.

i am going to try to love people more freely, no matter how much pain i have suffered in my past. it is in the past, where it should stay there untouched, unremembered, and never to be brought in the future. the one boy i thought could never steal my heart away, just did. i have built such a high wall around me that i thought no prince could ever climb it, yet here i am in the highest tower watching as he scales the sides of the wall coming closer and closer to me. passing where all others have dropped to their death, leaving me alone. i want to be able to love like jesus loves. so freely and not dependent on how much we have had our heart broken in the past.

im off to experience relaxing. a week away from people and being busy. a week where i can just sit and read my book and tan out. a week where i can reflect on this new found love.

a week in washington recapped

So this past week i was given the amazing chance to spend it in Washington, with my aunt and uncle. it was such an amazing week. i arrived late on saturday. we went home and roasted marshmallows. it was almost 9 pm and still light as if it was 5 pm here. it was super crazy. i was thrown off for a week with my sleeping schedule. sunday i went to church. it was my first time in over a month to attend church on a sunday....or at all. it was weird but a good weird. i was reminded no matter how long it has been that i can always go back to church and the people are so accepting no judgement.

i felt like a peace come over me.

then we went to a VBS meeting. my aunt wanted to help out with VBS this past week so i decided to join her.

boy i didn't know what i was getting myself into. i went to the meeting and found out i would be working with 4 year olds. i found out on monday that it was 14 of them.

MONDAY: i went hiking monday on a mountain. called Mt Rainier. it was so cold that morning and foggy. but we made it up to the hiking trails. on the way i saw snow! it was amazing. and then we went for our hike. we changed directions like two times and went a different route. it was well worth every moment of it. we ended up at this lake. it was peaceful, though there were two boys fishing. but it was covered in the fog layer and reminded me of a horror movie. but it was so awesome. me and my aunt sat down on a tree that had fallen and ate food. yummy food. something about homemade jelly makes everything better. and then we walked back to our car. it was so peaceful in the forest. it was just us talking. and no other sound. no phone ringing, no sound of cars going by, no noisy people yelling, nothing. just peace. and nature. the beautiful nature all around us. the greenness of trees and plants.

that night i went to VBS. it was a fun experience. but handling 14 4 year olds is not something i would be able to do for a job.

TUESDAY: i spent the day just chilling out at the house. we went to costco and the walmart where i bought shorts because i had forgotten mine. but it was the best day i could have asked for. i came home and was texting tim because it was our one month anniv. and i was sad that i wasn't home to see him. and he had sent up a letter with me which i was able to open that morning. it was the cutest love note i have ever received. and then that afternoon tim asked if i had gotten anything....and i was confused and after someone called me asking for an address i realized that he had been sneaky and gotten the address to send me something. i found out alter that it was a thing of flowers. it was a pink bouquet. carnations included. which makes everything better. <3>

i went to VBS that night and had this total life changing experience. i know its silly to say that i realized something at a VBS dealing with 4 year olds, but i did. the pastor had to simplify everything for them when it came our turn to hear the message. he was explaining how we are sinners and God has given us a free gift. and he pulled out all these rags. they were covered in dirt and he was using it as an example of us in sin. and it like totally clicked that i had no idea what the heck i was with my life. i was saying that i wanted to be a teenager and live my life doing all the stupid things. but yet i am a christian. one who isn't supposed to be doing half the stuff i have been doing. i started to question if i was really a christian. and started thinking about it. and i talked to tim about it all. he helped but not as much as i wanted. but i didn't really know what i wanted him to say. maybe that i am being stupid and shouldnt be thinking all of this....or maybe that i was being stupid and allowing myself to do all of it.....but instead he sat there and just listened to me. he understood what i was talking about. and he said that he would be praying for me. im still working through it all. but it was a neat thing to be able to see the gospel message put so simply and clearly. i was blessed by the singing of little kids who have their innocence. the innocence that one day may be lost for good. or that they may keep for ever.

WED: i went to Seattle. I went to the space needle and saw everything from up above. at 520 feet. it was scary. the beauty was so breath taking. or maybe it was the fact i was so far up in the sky. i went into a few stores and walked around a little area. then went home and went to VBS that night.

THURS: i went to the church office with my aunt and chilled there while she worked for a little bit. and then we went to the HUGE bead store. it was amazing. there was walls and walls of beads and every color and shape and style. i was in awe that there would even be this many beads. we picked some out...after an hour of looking for the perfect ones. and made me a necklace and earrings. they are super cute

FRI: i went to the beach with my aunt and we hiked there. we hiked down like a few miles through hills and trees and mud and plants, to the beach. it was crowded but it was nice. i went walking and saw steve, the dead jelly fish. and then we sat on the beach and tanned, except i got burnt a little. and then we hiked back home. by the time i got home i was soaking in sweat cause it was kinda hot and we had backpacks on. and i took a shower. and then left with my uncle and spent a few hours with him. just me and him. it was like one of the most amazing nights ever. i dont ever get to spend time with just me and him. he took me out to this nice restaurant on the harbor and we watched boats come by and the ferry go in and out. then we drove around in this park area and saw 3 raccoons. it was awesome! of course i had forgotten my camera but oh well. i saw them and thats all that matters. and then we drove up around tacoma and i got to see the houses and the views of the mountains. it was just one of the views that was jaw dropping.

i came home and we sat out on the porch just talking and enjoying the cool air. and waited for my aunt to come home from VBS. and then we all watched TV for a little then went to bed.

i enjoyed being away from reality and allowing myself to escape reality for a few days. but then i came home and had a reality check hit me hard. with school and having to figure everything out really fast because i leave once again and won't have the ability to change it.

im learning to trust in God and not tell him what I want. cause that always seems to fail. im learning to lean on him and allow him to work in his own way.

i came home with a sore legs,

a thankful heart

and an extra 3 pounds.

but it was well worth travelling to see them.

mixed emotions. throw them in a bag and see what you get

I thought about all the times i have been hurt in my life. Some of them have been my fault, and some have been on the shoulders of another. having the hurt be blamed on someone else makes things worse then if i were to do something. because it is not under my control. I can't do anything, i can't force them to apologize, or change.

i remember sharing my testimony back in 9th grade when i had changed schools and felt the need to have my life be an open book. it started with sharing my testimony to the people who loved me and i felt secure with. in turn that gave me to courage to share my testimony with those at my new school. i realized for the longest time, i tried to hide my past. i was ashamed of who i had been, what i had done. i didn't want anyone finding out. my parents had found out about some of it and that was enough to make me feel ashamed and hide my past. i saw the scars on my leg from the cutting. and i remembered that the scars are to remind that i was a person with hurt and saddness and no hope. i am now a person that finds happiness in the most simple things and has hope for tomorrow and the new adventures to come. i did everything i did when i was younger to make me the person i am today. i may not understand exactly why there was porn, and stealing, and lieing all involved but maybe one day i will. maybe one day i will find someone that went through the same thing. or maybe i will find a girl that is younger then me and is thinking about going too far with a guy for her and her boundaries. she may feel that its the only way to get him to stay with her. and i can tell her that he isn't worth her time, i know. and he won't be around as soon as she doesn't and says stop. she needs a guy that won't pressure her. i may never know why i went through it all. but i am not sorry i did. i am no longer ashamed of my past. and if someone asks me if i did something, i will be happy to share with them my story.

i have the best friends in the whole world. they have been dealing with me and my problems for years now, and they just roll their eyes at me as i repeat mistakes and tell me the same advice over and over again until i get it finally. they are there for me when i have problems with family and i can run to their house for three days. i could call them at one in the morning crying and they just sit on the phone listening to me, trying to calm me down.

i forgive you. for everything. for lieing to my face. for using me. for leaving our friendship to pieces and never ever trying to rebuild it. i forgive myself for allowing you to control my life. for asking for your consent. when you had no control over what i do and how i do it. i don't regret ever kissing you. i don't regret ever loving you with all my heart. i just wish when you left me, you didn't leave the friendship. i pray that one day in the future you will be able to apologize for everything and we can start having a friendship again. you were one of my best friends in the whole bunch of friends. i trusted you with everything even before we went to the next level. but i hope your happy with her. i hope she is a better friend then i had been and she doesn't get hurt by you.

i am learning a new person now. i love being with him and learning about all his crazy quirks. he has many. but its what makes him special and amazing. he makes me laugh when i want to cry. he holds me even though i push him away. and he thinks way out of the box sometimes. he is super hyper most of the time due to adhd but he has his mellow times also. i love learning about his dislikes and his likes. and he never ceases to have something new to tell me.

i think that is all my jumbled thoughts for now. i am off to seattle washington....well its actually tacoma, washington but no one has ever heard of that. and its close enough to seattle. i am going to go see relatives and enjoy being with people i don't see very much. i am going to not be texting during the day and just enjoy being away from here for a week.

getting out of this town

this week I get to spend a week up in Seattle, wa. i get to escape the boringness of this town. the mundane life here. i get to escape reality and not answer my phone if i never want to. but i will since my boyfriend will be texting me. but i get to leave all the constant reminders i see everyday of my past. i don't have to know anyone around the town or happen to run into a person i know from school and don't like. i don't have to pretend to be any one perfect. i don't have to put on my mask in front of everyone up there. i can't wait to leave this town and reinvent myself. become someone new and improved. have no past and only have a future.

i can't wait to escape this town.

dead flowers, burning wood to ashes, and new moons

today i cleaned my room again. well i kinda got distracted from packing. i was packing and then noticed something needed to be gone through. and i started to go through some old stuff. i found notes from 8th grade. i read some of them wondering what the heck?? others i laughed hysterically at how stupid we were back then. i thought the stupidest things were the end of the world. so many of us have grown up and changed since middle school. our friendships tested, broken, regrown, or lost forever. some new ones built up. we have all grown up and matured into amazing people that are going to change this world one day

i pulled out the BOX. the box that holds my heart within four small walls while i was cleaning. i pulled out the necklaces and placed them aside.

i smelled the smell of the flowers. dead and dried out from the weeks on my board drying. the stems as fragile as glass, ready to break at any wrong move.

as fragile as my friendship that snapped after holding on with just a thin string.

i removed the pictures. i stared at them all going through each one that remained in the box slowly and methodically like i was searching for something special. something to jump out at me. but nothing did. the smiles on our faces long removed. those heart aches pushed from my memory to no longer be brought up again. those friendships dried up like the flowers laying in the box. i placed each photo to the side and continued my cleaning.

as i cleaned i felt more and more freedom. freedom from clutter. clutter of the mind and the room.

then the sun began to set and i wanted smores. i made a fire and grabbed a few more memories. a few more crutches of my past. and burned them. i watched them burn to ash. i sat on the couch and watched as the wood burned to ashes. erasing my memories from existence. i fell into a trance with the flickering of the flame. the fire has such a strong power on the wood or whatever it is burning. it consumes it not allowing a little bit escape. it is like what i have allowed happen to my past. it has consumed my present thoughts, my present life and actions. but as i watched it burn the wood to ashes, i remembered that not every flame is eternal. every fire has to die down eventually. and this is the time my past flame has to die down. it has now died and allowed me to put new wood on and start a new fire, and new flame to burn.

as i was sitting outside, i watched the sun set, and the moon rise. i think its a full moon, or it was yesterday so its still pretty full. i look at it longing to be there and not here. it says good night to me as i head to bed. it is a gift from God. a little bit of his beauty that appears at night, every night, not missing a night.

I dare you to play Tag

I went to the beach and played tag with the waves. i ran down and chased the waves and tagged them, then they came right back at me and chased me back up the shore. i felt like i was five again. i walked along the waters edge with one the most amazing people i have met. and looked in to the ocean and wanted to stay there forever. never sleeping, never going home, never talking to anyone else besides him. there has only been one other experience when i felt this way. when i felt actual true happiness. where i laughed because i felt like it. and i smiled for no reason other then i was smiling at the little kids playing at the waters edge. it was a carefree day. and i say that anyone who can give me that carefreeness should stay around in my life. it felt so good to be 5 once again even if it was just for a few minutes. to feel the world lifted from my shoulders. to have no worry in the world. to forget about all the things i need to do before leaving. to forget that my family is broken into pieces. to forget i lost one of my best friends this summer. i felt like i was free and i think that after having felt that, i am going to be ok. that i am going to make it through all this crap, with my best friends along side me supporting me, and one of the most amazing boys on the other side holding my hand walking, not running, with me along this path of life.

things i did learn though, that sometimes its better to leave mystery then to be blunt. i have been trying to be up front and honest this time around, but sometimes its better to leave things in the ashes to be blown away from me forever.

so go out and run with the waves. play tag with the waves and run away from all the cares of reality for one afternoon. i dare you

Scotch tape is flammable....

I love summer because for once i can sit outside in the backyard and not freeze my butt off when sitting near a fire. i spent the day thinking about everything.

i had decided to burn some stuff that i had been hanging on as a crutch to the past. i started a fire and at first decided to burn things from my far past. i sat there and stared into the flame as the pictures crumbled under the fire's flame. i waited a bit longer before i threw the other things into the flame. i burned the pictures one by one. i watched as each picture crumbled into ash. i read the poems one last time. they made me wonder if he really meant those words or if thats all they were, just empty meaningless words. i read the one big poem one last time and was brought back to the day i read it. i had been so happy to receive it because for once i was the girl he wrote about. i tore the poem into pieces, throwing each piece into the flame to be destroyed, to be forever gone. the last piece i threw into the fire had the three words i wanted to hear the most. the 8 letters that i knew he felt, deep inside even though he never voiced them to me. i lit the edge of the paper on fire and watched as each word disappeared by the fire. i started to cry. maybe it was the moment, or maybe it was the smoke in my eyes. i am not sure.

but i realized for the first time that it had been a lie. and i learned my lesson. never date a writer...they are too good with words and make you believe things that they don't actually feel.

the pictures and the words are gone now. burned to ash. they will be blown away by the wind into the air and floated across to a far away land. i am now left with just the thoughts and memories. the hardest part of moving forward. the fire burned away the things i held as a doorway to my past. funny how fast things like that can be gone...

Just plain bitter words

Were you ever happy with me as you girlfriend or were you always wanting someone else? Did I really scare you about staying together for awhile that you had to lie to me? were you that scared of the truth that you had to lie to get what you wanted? are you trying to win her over by doing all of this? i have never seen you do this much for your friends. why wasn't i treated that way? was i just an object? or did you really mean all those sweet words you said to me? Damn you for stealing my heart. i swear one day i will stand on my own. i will shove it in your face that im happy without you. that you were just a page in my book. that i no longer hold this bitterness within my heart. one day....in the future. until that day i shall lay on my bed and remember that happy moment i fell in love with you. that you became someone so special im willing to risk my health now over you. i lose sleep and no longer enjoy laughing since you stepped on my heart and spit in my face. i hope that she makes you happy because you threw away a relationship along with a friendship for her. i hope you wake up one day 5 years from now say shit i lost the most amazing person. by then i will have moved forward and away from you. far away from your lieing ass. you failed at proving to me that you were different. why couldn't you have told me the truth? that you didn't want me. you wanted her because she was more like you and i was just a temporary girl. and you had the nerve to use me for one night lieing to my face. i hope your life sucks without me in it. and you get all you ever wanted and you aren't happy. i want to be able to wake up one day without feeling my pillow wet from my tears. and maybe one day i will get there. i hope you are ok with your choices you made because you know that im not happy and was willing to fight. but i guess thats the key. you never cared enough to fight for us. for me. you just used the excuse because you liked her you will become attached to anyone even if its just as friends. and i should have been able to read the signs. i feel stupid for not realizing it and feel ashamed for even trying to mend things. i hope your ok that YOUR choices made this friendship fall apart. i guess i wasn't worth that for you. i wasn't worth trying to save the friendship. 3 years of moments you will just forget but will forever be engraved in my mind. your body and belongings can be swept away out to sea but i wish your memories would go with you. instead they are left in my mind. i am left alone with them, and memories do no justice to the friendship that went with you.

The great escape

I was standing on my corner working and holding my sign. it was one of those days where the weather was so perfect. the sun was out and it wasn't too hot, though it was a bit windy. my ipod was on full blast as it normally is when im working to block out the world for four hours. one of my favorite songs, "the great escape" by boys like girls, came on and i started to dance around. i listened to those well thought out words, and i want to ask the writers had he known my life and written the song about my thoughts and what i have been through...but i know its not true and there are many others out there that feel the exact same thing. anyways there was this one night that i wish i could have back now, but i know i can't beside the point. we were listening to this song and my best friend reminded me that the words to this song have so much meaning.

"throw it away, forget yesterday"

i have been allowing myself to remember so much of my past lately and the mistakes i made and the choices that were made and the consequences now i must accept. i listened to the song the while i was working and i was brought back to remembering to throw it all away. and to move forward. i want to be able to move forward in my life and no longer lean on my past. yeah i made mistakes and made good choices too, but those are yesterday. they aren't today. i want to make my escape from my past and be able to be ok with the choices i made. i am living out the consequences of someone else's choice currently and that makes me mad because it wasn't my choice. im learning to throw away the things of the past. i wish it was an easy task though because i am getting tired of swimming. i feel like i am almost going to drown.

so thank you to the writers of the song for reminding me that i need to make my escape and throw it away, forgetting yesterday.

Sand Castles

When I was little I remember going to the beach and building sand castles. I would go down to the water and get the wet sand. I would fill my bucket up with the sand and make my way back up the hill and dump the sand out. I would use my shovel and build my castle. I would repeat this over and over again until my castle was beautiful I would call to my grandma to look at my castle. I was so proud of my castle. I did it all by myself. I beam with joy and look at all my hard work. I would put my bucket and shovel away and run out into the water. The waves would crash against the shore. As the tide rises, the water creeps closer to my castle, threatening to destroy it. I ride the waves and soak up the warm sun. I look over and see my castle as its crumbling under the power of the waves pounding against the shore. I remember this story and think how my life is like that castle. I work so hard to get it all perfect. I make sure all the details of my “castle” is just right. I make sure the wall around it is big enough or so I think. But all it takes is just one wave of trouble and my life crumbles under the pressure. The pressure of trouble and stress pounding against me. I sit back and watch it happen. I could have gone and changed a few things. I could’ve place the castle farther away from the water though it would only prolong the inevitable of the tide rising and hitting it. I could have built a higher wall around it so no one can enter but me. But in the end no matter what I do, something will always hit my “castle” and cause it to crumble. It is just a matter of time…

Pictures

the other day i was transfering my pictures from one computer to the other. i looked at all these pictures that i didnt even think i still had on my computer. i saw all the memories flash before my eyes. i was reminded of all these memories during the last year of school. i almost cried seeing some of those pictures that i know will never happen again. all of our group has been split by time and different view points. we have started to grow up and form new friends and leave the old ones behind. it is a good thing and maybe some of those friendships needed to be severed, but i know of some that were just split apart by just drifting. drifting down the river of life at a different pace then the other pieces of wood. and maybe it was no fault of anyone. i looked at some of the pictures longer then others, and i remembered those nights we were all together and nothing seemed like it could go wrong. the world was blocked out and we were in our own reality. no one could bring us down from the top. i remember those parties that brought us together maybe we didnt like everyone at the party or there was always that one couple that caused problems, but we had fun and danced the nights away, even if there wasnt supposed to be dancing. these pictures represent those moments that i spent in escape. escape from reality and into my own world. i smile at all the pictures because it means those memories may not be the front ones in everyone’s mind but it doesnt mean they are gone. one look at the pictures and i am brought back to that moment in my life. i look at the pictures and remember that after next year we will be moving apart for college, and that makes me sad but excited also. excited to see the new adventures and meeting new friends. with all this moving apart i hope that our group remembers even if we said some hurtful words, broke hearts, or just drifted apart along the river, if someone were to call upon me in need of encouragement or to listen or for comfort, i will answer them with no judgement with no memory of those hurtful moments. just remember who those friends were during high school, friends that went through probably the roughest times together, and through some of the happiest moments together. i stare at these memories in picture form. i know that some of those people i am no longer close to, but if they asked for something i would be there in a second to help. i realize i may never be as close as friends with some of them because of those words said or actions taken in a moment of weakness and surrendering to their inner self and worries, but i will never erase them from my mind. i realize that some of the friends i am closer now then i ever was. i want to become closer still and continue the friendship through my whole life. and i realize that some of the people in those pictures are new friends, some i met a year ago or sooner. i want to be able to learn more about them and become closer with them.

the pictures remind me that my friends are the best people to turn to. even if i dont want to hear what they have to say. they know me best, and sometimes a little too good. they are my escape from my house and my reality.

Growing up

As we grow up, people change, our lives are molded more into who we are going to be as an adult. We lose friends, we gain new ones, we get our heart broken, we get butterflies in our stomach, and all the while the seasons continue to change. We go through the hard rock bottom trials and the fun light hearted times. When we run into the people we haven’t seen in a long time, we realize how much they have changed. But we realize in the end that it is us that has changed. We have learned more in the months or year we haven’t seen them. We have grown up and learned a few new things. We haven’t become the perfect person, but we are becoming a better person. As we grow, we are having to make our own choices. Some of them bring bad consequences, others bring the best results possible. We can’t redo our mistakes. We must learn from them and move on. We can only be thankful for the times when our impulse has brought us the right things and the situation has brought the joy and peace of mind.

As we pass by things that bring back memories of happiness and sadness, we immediately want to rejoice or cry. We are brought back to that moment with that feeling in our hearts. It is hard to erase those sad times from our minds, but all we can do is fill our minds with new happy memories. We are forced to grow up in that moment and move forward in our lives. We should live with the happiness God has given us and not the sorrow that we have brought upon ourselves.We can’t tear down that one place in the park, or wipe out all the flowers in the world, just because they bring us back to that moment when we had our hearts broken, or we had the best time with someone who is now gone.