I thought about all the times i have been hurt in my life. Some of them have been my fault, and some have been on the shoulders of another. having the hurt be blamed on someone else makes things worse then if i were to do something. because it is not under my control. I can't do anything, i can't force them to apologize, or change.
i remember sharing my testimony back in 9th grade when i had changed schools and felt the need to have my life be an open book. it started with sharing my testimony to the people who loved me and i felt secure with. in turn that gave me to courage to share my testimony with those at my new school. i realized for the longest time, i tried to hide my past. i was ashamed of who i had been, what i had done. i didn't want anyone finding out. my parents had found out about some of it and that was enough to make me feel ashamed and hide my past. i saw the scars on my leg from the cutting. and i remembered that the scars are to remind that i was a person with hurt and saddness and no hope. i am now a person that finds happiness in the most simple things and has hope for tomorrow and the new adventures to come. i did everything i did when i was younger to make me the person i am today. i may not understand exactly why there was porn, and stealing, and lieing all involved but maybe one day i will. maybe one day i will find someone that went through the same thing. or maybe i will find a girl that is younger then me and is thinking about going too far with a guy for her and her boundaries. she may feel that its the only way to get him to stay with her. and i can tell her that he isn't worth her time, i know. and he won't be around as soon as she doesn't and says stop. she needs a guy that won't pressure her. i may never know why i went through it all. but i am not sorry i did. i am no longer ashamed of my past. and if someone asks me if i did something, i will be happy to share with them my story.
i have the best friends in the whole world. they have been dealing with me and my problems for years now, and they just roll their eyes at me as i repeat mistakes and tell me the same advice over and over again until i get it finally. they are there for me when i have problems with family and i can run to their house for three days. i could call them at one in the morning crying and they just sit on the phone listening to me, trying to calm me down.
i forgive you. for everything. for lieing to my face. for using me. for leaving our friendship to pieces and never ever trying to rebuild it. i forgive myself for allowing you to control my life. for asking for your consent. when you had no control over what i do and how i do it. i don't regret ever kissing you. i don't regret ever loving you with all my heart. i just wish when you left me, you didn't leave the friendship. i pray that one day in the future you will be able to apologize for everything and we can start having a friendship again. you were one of my best friends in the whole bunch of friends. i trusted you with everything even before we went to the next level. but i hope your happy with her. i hope she is a better friend then i had been and she doesn't get hurt by you.
i am learning a new person now. i love being with him and learning about all his crazy quirks. he has many. but its what makes him special and amazing. he makes me laugh when i want to cry. he holds me even though i push him away. and he thinks way out of the box sometimes. he is super hyper most of the time due to adhd but he has his mellow times also. i love learning about his dislikes and his likes. and he never ceases to have something new to tell me.
i think that is all my jumbled thoughts for now. i am off to seattle washington....well its actually tacoma, washington but no one has ever heard of that. and its close enough to seattle. i am going to go see relatives and enjoy being with people i don't see very much. i am going to not be texting during the day and just enjoy being away from here for a week.
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