mending bridges

its that time again. to try once more to mend the bridges burned. some people may say, they are burned...stop trying to fix them. but i think everyone deserves a second chance...or third....or fourth. im not one to give up on people who i love.

but yet it seems everytime i mend one bridge, another gets burned in the process.

how can it be that my heart and my head tell me different things? my heart wants something to happen that i have always wanted to happen....to be with him. to give him another try. a real one this time. one that involves actually staying true to him, dating him, being his girlfriend.

yet my head says, to stay out of it, it will only cause problems down the road. and it would burn an amazing bridge built now. it will only end up with me getting hurt again.

The heart is the horse that makes the cart that is your body move. Your brain is the reins. You have to trust your heart to do its job but your brain is the one that gets you where you need to go.

yet, this seems so confusing. and if i ask anyone, they will all tell me to stay. to stay and not mend that bridge. to not even think about burning the already built bridge. to leave the ashes of the bridge where they lie....

on the ground.

losing myself

what happened to those times i sat and talked for hours, doing nothing but wanting to talk to you?

what happened to those times when i could sit on my butt all day and complain i was bored?

what happened to those days when i slept through the day?

what happened to those moments of relaxation?

they all disappeared the moment i started college. my life has become about my future, no longer my present. i am working to pay for my college, to pay for my education so i can get a job in the future....not because i want to work. though it definitely has its perks.

i go days without taking a break, and weeks without days of rest all because i need to do things for my future. what if my future changes? what if i can't do those things, then wouldn't it be better to relax now just in case things don't work out? ha. i wish i could think like that.

i feel bad for ignoring people. i do. but then i remind myself that they have their own lives, they have their own problems and i need to focus on myself for once. not worrying about other people. but then i get called a selfish person. if only the stories i have were shared, i wouldn't be called a selfish person any more. for once in my life i need to focus on myself, but yet in the process, i feel like im losing myself. im losing the fun side, im losing the side of relaxing, and being lazy. im becoming dependent on business to keep my mind focused. instead of taking control of my own mind.

i can't wait till the summer comes, along with sleep. only 10 more weeks of busyness, lack of sleep, constant moving, constant thinking....

i just hope that in those 10 weeks i don't lose myself completely..........

time is changing faster then the seasons

yet again its time for a new set of classes. i have finals pretty soon and then i get to start new classes.

im faced with knowing my sister is 8 hours at least away from me, instead of 3. she is moving at the end of this month. im happy that she is making somehting productive of her life, but im not so happy about her being so far away from me. i like knowing that she was close by. but she says she will only be a phone call away.

but a phone call isn't a hug.

this past weekend i read through some of my old blogs. which im sure i will read through this one at some point in the future, and remember this. but as i read those older stories, things about other people in my life, they brought back vivid memories. they made me remember some pretty horrific stories. some points in my life that maybe should have never been written down.

our lives are changing faster then the seasons change. people are moving away. people are moving closer. people are losing and gaining jobs.

i wish there was a way to make here, the place of my utmost desire to live, feel like home. feel like this place will be ok even when im not doing things to keep me busy. even when im not focused on school or work. i want to feel secure in this place.

i guess i should just wait for the seasons to change.......