today

i cleared the flowers from my valance. it looks empty now.

i cut the flowers from the stem and placed the petals inside a shoe box, and put the box up in my closet to be revisited when the time is right. i took the pictures, the letters, the drawings, the little reminders of who we used to be, and placed them in a different box then all the rest. he deserves something different because he changed my life.

the saying goes,

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart"--Eleanor Roosevelt

he definitely left a footprint on my heart. I have been changed for the better since i met him.

i just regret that i am such a fickle person and can't seem to be happy with whoever i am with.

i know i said some things that now, i can't live up to. but i meant every single word i said. i don't ever regret saying anything.

our relationship was so tainted by physical aspects, that we forgot what it was like to be friends.

the growing relationship i have with a good friend, is not tainted.

at least not yet.....

i always seem to taint things with stuff from my past.

maybe he was meant to come into my life show me things and leave as my boyfriend and stay as my friend to be there and support me through everything. but not be there romantically involved with me.

i do love him. very much so.

but maybe not in the way i thought i did...

do you ever...

feel like you aren't good enough?

this weekend i felt like i wasn't good enough to even be considered a friend of the family of one of the people i love.

i realized last night that im a bad Christian. I don't ever follow what the Bible says, I turn around and leave church only to say a few words that are not meant to be said from a Christian. on the weekends i can think of several times that if someone were to ask me what i did, i would have to lie to make sure that people think im still a good Christian. im not worthy enough to be called a Christian, and I feel like if I keep going to church, maybe one day it will stick in my head and i won't be such a hypocrite anymore. but at the same time i feel like i shouldn't be allowed to walk into a church.

hmm. the blood of Jesus has washed us clean.

i don't regret doing anything, nor do i regret continuing to do it, but somedays it gets to me and i think i don't want to become like my sister so far from the one person who loved me no matter what, that i can't remember His name.

regret me not

i don't regret doing it.

i regret the day,

the place,

the time,

the way i said it.

but i don't regret doing it.

this may be one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life, but im sure there will be more things that will be harder then this.

i meant every word i said. ever. i meant everything we did together. i meant it all...and if i was given a chance to do it over again, i would not change a thing. i love you.

it may not make sense now to you about why i need to do this, but its easier for me to not be attached because i can't handle it. im immature, and i am not as grown up as i would like to believe. i want to flirt around and be wild and crazy. im sorry you had to get hurt in the process. i really am. you don't deserve this, because all you did was stay there and love me and be there for me. and all i could do was run away.

so i don't regret you, i don't regret the things we did, i don't regret ever saying anything to you,

i hope you regret me not.

now we must turn the page and start a new page in our book, maybe as friends for now. maybe more then friends later on down the road. but who knows. i want to share the page with you, but only if you allow me to. no pressure to accept me back in your life as a friend.

if anything happens, i will never ever forget you, regret you and i will always have a place in my heart for you. i will love you more then i have ever loved someone i have had to let go from my life.

so lets move forward, and not stay here.

i want YOU by my side.

hmm

have you ever felt the need to write, yet you didn't know what to write, how to form the words from your head to the paper(computer)?

"did you make up your mind on what you want me to do?"

"yes, i want you to disappear again. thanks but this is what i want"

"ok no worries"

but exactly how do you disappear from the one person you want to be friends with? the one person that you long to be part of their life, yet all they want you to do is be gone out of it. i have to leave them once again because its better for them, that im not part of their life.

hmm yet again another selfish moment in my life.

maybe thats what i should do this year...is work on being selfless not selfish.

second post of the year

hmm. well this year has not gone according to plan.

my new year was brought in by spending it with my boyfriend. (check that kiss off my list of must haves) then sleeping on the floor because God forbid a guest sleeps on the couch.

then i spent the most amazing birthday with tim.

then i had the bestest people known to mankind come over to spend the night and call random people at 2 am. hahaha.

only to have my life turned around once again by my dad's new girlfriend...err they aren't officially dating but he plans on dating her. and told me basically that it doesn't matter about my opinion because i have my own life.

only to turn around to have a huge argument with tim, because i have the nerve to open my mouth and cause problems. sounds about right. i can never seem to keep people in my life without causing a scene at least once causing all hell to break loose and causing almost everything i have worked for the last 7 months go to waste. then things worked out for a few hours, only for me to turn around to open my mouth once again and cause a scene.

fabulous.

oh and where is my father during all of this? at work, or sleeping. not what i would exactly say the ideal place for him....but who am i that i am so selfish to want everyone to be according to my plans, my ideas, my wants and desires.

officially im the most selfish person alive.

awesome.

My birthday

Can anyone ask for a better birthday?? I think not. My birthday rocked my world. it was one of the best days of my life. We went to San Diego, and went around there for awhile. We went to the beach and watched the sun go down over the water. It was cold but who cares? I ate the most calorie-containing cake. We almost lit the car on fire...by accident of course. We walked around sea port village. we got lost and almost went to the airport in SD. but found our way out. drove and looked at the stars and ate that cake. laughed until our sides hurt about wearing silly hats.

i didn't need to be at a club or out doing something big...all i needed was a day with tim and the beach.

THE PERFECT BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!