life changes

every person has moments in their lives where something clicks, or shifts and they go through change. i have had several life changing moments in my few short 18 years. but none like the one last night.

its one of those personal life changes that only effect me and who i am as a person.

i went back to the very site that changed who i am and who i have been. i went back to where it all started. everything changed from the moment the car hit that area on the side of the very road i walked on last night. i have not been back to the area of my moms death in almost 14 years. (it will be 14 years june 23) i have not been inside the house that i lived in, in almost 10 years until last night. i took joey with me for safety reasons, but trust me i would have rather been alone through this. we drove down the road where my dad said to go...even though i totally got lost....and parked. i walked along the road holding his hand, unsure of how far to walk. but walked a little ways then turned around. got back in my car and drove down the road towards the freeway like she would have been doing that night. then i turned my car around to go back to my house, and drove the direction that the other family was driving, the ones that hit her when she lost control. it was something i needed to do. joey may not have understood it, but he kept me smiling rather then crying most of the night.

i went past my house and noticed someone living there, i parked the car and dragged joey along. i knocked on the door twice and this old dude answered the door. i explained that i used to live there and i wanted to see the inside of the house. he asked me a few questions relating to who my parents were. and he allowed me and joey to go inside. there wasn't much to look at, but it was weird to stand in the house again. i walked into the kitchen and saw the area where there used to be a kitchen table where i sat right after i got the dent in my forehead. i walked the hallway towards my room, that so many nights i ran crying down because i was in trouble. i opened the door that i used to slam all the time to my room, looked inside and started crying. i turned around to see the bathroom that me and my sister shared, where i was potty trained and everything else. i walked to the master bedroom, where i remember so many nights and mornings after my mom was killed that i would go run and jump onto my dads water bed and play hide and go seek under the covers with him. we walked outside, and seeing the dirt and the damage that happened to the backyard after remembering that it was so pretty and green was hard. as i was crying the poor old dude felt bad. joey held my hand for a few minutes but i mostly stood on my own. i stared out onto the backyard and thought about everything that happened there. the wedding that made us move out to murrieta, the horses that we owned, the animals that used to live back there. so many adventures through the "lava" and playing with our neighbors who we still talk to now.

i finally got closure on some things, i saw where my mom was killed. now it totally doesn't look like what it did 14 years ago, but thats progress in life. it was something i needed to do, and i am glad that i did it. it has been a hard journey the last few years without her and i needed to face my fears.

another change, not in life but of mind and heart happened today. i realized that when i say "i love you" out of joking to joey, it has never been close to a romantic type of love. but i do care for him a lot. and love him to pieces because we have been through a lot in the last 3 months. and he is one of the few people that if God decides to take from my life then He better have a damn good reason for taking him out because joey has made my life better. he has made me think about me as a person and not so much about our relationship. he has been supportive when i need him to be, and he has been a goof ball when i need cheering up. and i hope that when we go our different paths and if that leads to an end of our relationship that it ends well and we still can talk. and i know that i say this about every boy but he is the only one that i truely truely have had a life change because of and i mean that i don't want to lose as a friend.

he has reminded me that love does exist, but my thoughts of love have been so twisted and screwed up that i need to start over. God has used him to remind me that love isn't always about butterflies and rainbows, but its about caring for people, and being there to support them in their darkest times.

when i say "i love you" to someone, it no longer will have the connotation of romantic fantasy, but that i care for them, and will be there for them as support. maybe one day God will allow me to re-see romantic love when He feels that I am ready to deal with that, but as of now, i think He is showing me how to love some one. without the butterflies and rainbows.

fairy tales

i was told the other day, that i need to not watch so many non realistic things because i start to assume thats what reality should be like. now they were right, but how do you keep a girl from watching romantic movies, or thinking that something on a movie was romantic? its like telling a fish to not swim in water.

there are days that are fairy tales. something no one could write in a book or movie. better then dreaming. those days are few and far between, but when they do happen, i cherish them more then anything. those are the days i wish time stopped and i could enjoy them for longer then im given.

there have been people that have come and gone in my life, that have given me those fairy tale days. i thank them for that. even if things ended in a nightmare.

if everyday was a fairy tale, we wouldn't appreciate them.

blahhh

well now i get to wait till june. till freakin june. after graduation, like two weeks after graduation. i will be walking across the stage, and not knowing where im going to be in the fall. UGHHHHH i know i should be patient. but its hard. really hard. from what i heard is that its good that they want to wait till after grades are done. its just like ahbfelrwuibgrei; i want this done right now.

im super excited for prom. even though its like a month away. but like it feels like its super close. i can't wait to get all dressed up and take pictures.

though sadly im peeling right now. i feel like a lizard. :(

i need to write the words in my mind on paper

or on my computer will work...

i can't help but think about the moment i was told. that he was in the hospital. my mind raced million miles a minute. i could only think of the worst things. and then i realized that through all this, we will be brought closer as friends. maybe not as a couple, but as friends our bond is stronger.

joey collapsed, and was in the hospital for tuesday night till this morning. i spent several hours in the hospital with him. i was there as he woke up from his surgery, i was there as he went home. as he laid on the bed after surgery my heart broke thinking that i almost lost him forever. only two days before that i was thinking selfishly if he was going to be ok for prom...then i realized that i shouldn't be thinking that far ahead because i need to make sure every moment i spend with him is spent good and not bad. i was reminded of the times after losing my mom, how much everyone missed her. i couldn't imagine going through that now. my best friend would be gone. the one person i would turn to for comfort was the reason i needed comfort. but im thankful that God was watching over him because if God wasn't there, then he would be dead.

because he wasn't allowed to shower, he smelled pretty bad by this morning. yet all i wanted to do was hug him and lay near him. i could care less what he smelled like.

he pulled me into one of the most passionate deepest kisses i have ever experienced. it was one of those movie moments. i couldn't have planned a better kiss from him.

i don't know what im going to do next year without him. i know i can always call him up and tell him whatever i want, or send him random emails no matter if we stay together or not. but he has been one of my bestest friends. (next to my girl) and next year i hope things work out to where we still talk on a regular bases.

we are just going day by day now. we don't know how much time we have together (as friends, family, in a relationship etc) and we need to spend the time we are together doing something fun, and not fighting or hating others.

im going to make it a new goal in life to make amends and not spend my time wasting it on stupid stuff.

ashes to ashes, dust to dust

this morning i burned the letter. the letter i wrote to him saying why i was so angry. and so bitter. no one else read it, it isn't even saved on my computer. and i just burned the one and only copy i had of it. i realized that when things burn, they turn to ashes. (no duh) BUT the ashes are white. when we are refined by the fire, and burned so badly we must restart from dust, we are turned white...a pure white and cleansed again. (ok maybe the ashes aren't pure white but i can pretend they are) so maybe this is my rebuilding from the dust of the ground. maybe i needed to be burned so badly and felt like nothing to be able to start fresh.

i took joey to meet my grandparents, they really liked him. a lot actually. my sister really liked him also. but i mean who wouldn't? we then sat on the beach and just enjoyed the ocean, then we started dancing..as the sun was going down. i think that may have been one of the most romantic things i have done. who would have guessed that the wrestler wanna be bad ass boy has a romantic side?

thennnn yesterday, he came over and helped me weed. :D he is pretty much the best boyfriend ever. i don't know too many guys that would come over and weed a garden for their girlfriends. i am not sure if that makes him whipped or just amazing....i think im going to say amazing because he sure doesn't listen to what i tell him to do, so he isn't whipped.

i think i got blisters on my hands from weeding...and i had gloves on. and i was attacked by bushes and have scratches on my arms.

i don't like gardening very much...just saying.