thoughts while at grandparents house

this was something i wrote out during my vacation at my grandparents house. its a bit jumbled but i needed to write it out.

as im sitting at my grandparents house i was brought back to many memories in their house. one being the first time i realized i no longer loved jake.

the second being well not in the house but at the harbor. and i was brought back to the night that was one of the best nights of my life. the night i knew that he had my heart. that dinner the walk along the harbor. and that kiss on the beach when it was barely enough light to see where we were going. holding my heels in one hand and holding his hand in the other. and then i look into that window and remembered that night we talked about so much. and i remember falling in love with him. and i feel like such an idiot to have fallen for someone that decided he wasn’t that into me. and that lied to me for so long. he admitted to lying that one night when he used me but how many other times did he lie to me that i dont know about? i stare at the text messages now from someone that has so quickly captured my heart and think am i allowing myself to go into a trap of being lied to again? am i going to be able to make it this time and not turn to horrible things like last time when things went south.

God has been blessing me this week and has been giving me the encouragement i needed to hear, i received books to read, and the people that love me enough to call me out on my crap. they hold me so high in their books but i feel like i should not be held that high. it feels like im supposed to be the perfect one. and my sister is the horrible black sheep. but in reality she is only doing things that she wants to do. she no longer hides behind the perfect child mask. she is real and legit. and i admire her for it.

i feel like im falling so fast for him. i have been so happy and content with how things are going. but it is just the start. am i able to overcome the fears and love like He loves everyone? am i able to overcome the shattered heart and place the pieces at His feet and trust Him that He has the right guy. and maybe this time around things wont end in a selfish manner?