avoiding homework

so week 6 is done. it feels like one of the longest weeks of my life. but it has gone by so fast. it was monday and now here its almost friday. tomorrow night i get to see people i love. people that are familiar to me. and not the people i live with every single day. i don't mind them since i hardly see half of them, but i just need to see people i love. and get a hug from someone that loves me. its hard. and here i thought i wanted to go to San Jose.....7 hours away. ha. you don't realize how much you miss your family until you don't see them for over a month. and after this week, its only a few short weeks till thanksgiving. and then im going to be home for a few days. even if its a few days, i will still enjoy it. my bed. my big huge fatty bed...and not sharing a bathroom with 30 other people. and no work. which is not really a good thing...i like work. as boring as it is, the people i work with are pretty much amazing. and the money is pretty nice too.

so my college life continues.....work school homework.....

reflections

i find it funny how at graduation, we all said that we would keep in touch. that there wouldn't be anything different and we would always forever stay friends. i only talk to about half those people now. and only half of those i love and care about.

moving to college really shows you who your true friends are. the ones that you know in 4 years will be there and ask when graduation from college is, or that maybe in 6 or 7 years ask how your job is...knowing the answer already. i want friends that i can lean on when things go bad. when things are not going my way, that i can call them up at 2 am and cry. or when something good happens i know that when i tell them, they will jump up and down with me in joy.

of course those people i thought i had in high school, may not be the real deal. it was just friends long enough to get me through 4 years of school. and maybe those bridges were burned the minute i left and went my own path. maybe those bridges were burned the minute we all went our separate ways.

but why can't our paths run parallel to each other?

why can't the friends i made in high school still be along the road for college?

well im glad some of them are. because i know that i wouldn't have made it with out their friendship.

without their love and support.

without their hugs.

this i promise

i promise to stay true.

i promise to love you always

i promise to never make the same mistakes

i promise to always support you

week 5 is done. finally got scores back for all my midterms. all passing. thankfully. maybe not the perfect scores im used to. but i have to constantly remind myself that i am working almost 30 hours a week. attending classes. and doing homework. and having a boyfriend. while passing my classes. another week done. another week closer to finals. to christmas break. to thanksgiving break even. i can't wait. i feel like im going insane. but yet there are days im reminded that i don't have time to be insane. i have to keep pushing through it, and in 4 years im going to look back on this knowing i am doing what i was meant to do.

there are days i wonder if my grandparents will be around in 4 years or 5 years to see me walk my graduation. there are days i wonder if my dad will ever get out of debt. there are days i wonder if my mom is proud of me. there are days i wonder if i will end up in the same patterns.

i promise myself to not let myself become like them. to not become so self centered. to not become in debt. to always have support from friends and family.

i promise to stay true to my heart.

where ever it may lead me.

week 4

DONE!

hardest one yet. three midterms. two were today. one was monday. i feel pretty good about them all actually. i am hoping that nothing is terribly mixed up otherwise i will be very sad.

this week was a long stressful week. work was super crazy, and then things with the boy were super crazy on top of that....all the while im supposed to be studying for midterms. hahah. im thankful that this week is almost done. and that its going to be the weekend. though i have work. but thats ok. more money, to pay for my parking permit. two weeks and counting, till my car comes up here. along with joey and my dad. im hoping everything goes according to plan so that things continue to work out in my favor.

week 3

second week with work in it. i survived. i got asked to work on saturday. i needed to the extra hours. so i took it. i am feeling the pressure of everything this week. maybe im tired, or maybe its stress. but i am definitely feeling the heavy weight of everything this week. failed a quiz today in a class thats supposed to be easy. and i have three tests next week. one of which, will be my only grade in there. and i have a paper to write this weekend. and all i want to do is lay on my bed and sleep. or lay there. just doing, thinking, nothing.

that was my thoughts before the weekend started. i worked saturday. it went fine. i caught a praying mantis. wrote my paper friday night. finished most of my math homework saturday. and today i have been spending my whole day on geography. from 230 till 9. barely taking time to eat. but i feel more prepared then i did earlier. i took online tests, and i got like 50-60% on them....so im thinking I will be fine in the multiple choice part. now to memorize the maps and the language origins. and i work tomorrow. sigh.

there are days i wonder how im going to make it. and thats for sure today. i definitely miss my friends and their hugs.

wearing your heart on your sleeve

i was talking to someone last night and they were talking about how guarded i am. he asked me if it was a good thing to wear his heart on his sleeve. i realized that i no longer can seem to let myself be vulnerable. i can't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. my heart is locked high above in a tower guarded by a dragon, surrounded by high walls that is surrounded by a mote with alligators...not to mention a force field around my heart if you actually get passed all those other things. i wish i was not so tainted. that i could just sit with my heart wide open to everyone and be able to say that im an open book. i pretend to be an open book, but yet when pushed my pages swiftly shut close. and i no longer want to be read. there has been very few people to get passed all the walls and animals and force fields....but once they get there they usually destroy me. i can no longer deal with holding myself together with tape and glue. i want to be made whole, but there has been so much damage that i doubt it will ever happen. tape and glue doesn't really hold together a heart very well.

so to wear your heart on your sleeve, you have to be willing to be hurt....if not lock your heart up in a tower guarded from the villains of life.

week two done

i am done with the second week of classes now. i survived my first week of work and school together. my body feels like it is going to just quit on me and not function any more. i have barely anytime to eat or do anything. (not literally) and i am going constantly from work to school to homework. and on the weekend i am doing homework and trying to find some time to relax. i took time last weekend to relax and go to the beach for a bonfire. last night i was able to go on a midnight hike to the nearby hill. it was crazy steep and crazy dark. but it was super fun. i never really do anything like that. i never do anything adventurous or dangerous. and this was the first time i have really tried something new.

i realized that i really don't have the money or the ability to go home next weekend. even though im beyond homesick. i miss my dad more then anything right now. and i really want to be able to see him. and of course joey doesn't understand what that feels like. and can't even relate a little bit. it drives me up a wall when i try to explain things to him and he just doesn't get it.

i was told i have to write a paper about how i got to where i am as a writer....and you can tell that im working super hard on that right now. but i don't really know how i got to where i am as a writer. i wrote things in a blog, in a diary for many years. it is a form of something for me to express my feelings. i don't like writing papers to a certain form. i really hate writing papers about writing even more. im going to tell him that too. i have had great teachers. and loved most of them. but as a writer, i am not very good. i haven't really been able to write papers. and i can't wait for the day when i no longer have to write papers for a teacher. how am i supposed to come up with a catchy first sentence when i don't give a crap about writing? how am i supposed to write about my past as a writer when i really don't have one? well i guess i will just have to come up with something. something that will fill 4 pages. i could talk about writing as being an outlet for me. a way to express my feelings when im angry or upset. or some other strong emotion. or i could write about how writing has been a constant struggle for me since day one. or how ASL 4 will forever influence how i think about words in general.

oh the days of high school how i miss you. the days where i thought things were never going to get better for home, but yet school seemed to be my way of escaping that. now that home is almost non existent, i have nothing to run away from. how am i supposed to focus on this when i don't want to run from reality anymore?

week three begins tomorrow. what will that bring to me? only God knows.