So far 2012 has been an interesting year. I looked back at my posts and realized that there has been silence from my fingers since last year. The silence has made me become bitter, anxious, and very much unwilling to move. There is something about writing things down, that helps ease the pain, the worry, and even lifts the joys even more.
I changed majors, although things have not been made official. But waiting patiently for that email. The email from the people I desire to please the most because they are the ones who decide my future at college. But then again, maybe I shouldn't have tried so hard. There was always the option to leave. To leave college and run away to reality for awhile, and then return when things made more sense. When things were more clear for me and what I should be doing. But would I really return once I quit? I don't know. I am not one to start again something I dropped. But things can always change.
I became anxious again recently. I became so worried and so sick to my stomach that I needed to just leave. I needed to sit in the dark and cry. Of course that doesn't always happen and I just find something else to do. But this time I couldn't find something for my mind to focus on. I was laying there in bed, and just imagining everything that could go wrong. The things I worry about least, became the biggest hurdles for me to jump. I worried I made the wrong choice, that the place I am living is the wrong place. I worried that maybe something would go wrong, and I wouldn't be okay. I worried that I wouldn't be able to pay rent and I would be without housing. I worried that the one person that is my idol, would think of me as a failure if I didn't succeed. I became caught up in life and the "what ifs" of life that I forgot the "right nows" of life. I sat in the bathroom, crying and unable to move. I became unable to talk and all I could do was sit there in the dark. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to just remove everything from my body and lay there empty. But then he shows up, unable to understand what is going on....and I can't even look at him. I couldn't even begin to explain myself. All I could think was that he hated me, that I was a terrible person for not being able to share with him the most personal thoughts, and that I knew what he would say. That he would tell me to relax, that everything would be okay. But in the moment, no matter how hard I tried....I couldn't believe that. Then the tears became so overwhelming, so overpowering of my body that I became like a little kid, hysterically crying and laying on the floor screaming to have the light turned off. I didn't want the light on, I didn't want to face anyone or anything in that moment.
I don't understand how things that I know deep inside of me, won't happen....or I know is okay and will be okay.....just consume me. Just won't allow me to think of anything else but.
Now I need something normal in my life. Something routine and familiar. You would think that is a movie, or a picture or even a stuff animal. But it is just work. Plain old work. Walking into the office is one of the most calming feelings I have here. How is my job more of a home then home is?
funny how life is....
