Pressure

i had one of those moments. where i felt like i wasn't going to be able to make it. like the world was going to come crashing down around me. people say that i am so amazing for dealing with everything, yet they don't see what happens behind closed doors. they don't see the days where i am crying and can't stop because the pressure is too much.

"tears are the heart's release valve when too much pressure is put on it"

some days i want to just have a new life. i want to have one house, one place to run to when things get bad. but i guess its not about the building but those who are in it. i can't wait to have a house of my own.

too many words

how can i even begin to place the thoughts into words. i have so many thoughts that need to be written. i want to start by writing letters to everyone and expressing my feelings about things to them. but as i begin to write those letters, thoughts that come up that belong to other people, and i have to pause and start writing them the letter. its a jumble of thoughts.

i wish i could tell you how sorry i am. i wish i could begin to express my sadness towards the situation we went through. im so sorry and heartbroken that we even had to go through that. i am sorry that it was my fault. that i was the one to be dumb about things.

i want to be able to tell you that im here for you. i want to explain to you my openness to being your best friend. even though we don't talk, we don't see each other and we have began to have our own lives. but i will always always always be there for you.

i wish i could tell you how hurt i was after you said those things. i wish i could yell and scream about the anger those words you told me and your group shared with me. because those words were not meant to be shared. you should have never even said those words to me. but of course i will not yell, i will not scream...i will hold my tongue like it is proper to do.

I wish i could hug you and tell you that it will be okay. i want to be able to tell you that it may be sucky now, but it will get better. it will become the best years of your life. but i want to hug you now and tell you that things will be okay. we fought, and lets move on from that. we don't talk anymore, but lets start fresh and start all over.

I wish i could pay for everything for you. i wish i could be a millionaire and just pay for those dumb things that come up. i want to be able to help you like you have helped me so much. i want to be able to buy you pretty things, and tell you that i can buy you a house or a pony.

i wish i was there. i wish i could experience all those things you tell me about. i want to be part of your life. i want to become more part of your life...but i can't because of the distance. i want to be part of your life more. be there with you.

oh the things i wish i could write to people. i want to be able to express my feelings and my thoughts. but they don't make sense, they are jumbled.

oh the things i wish i could tell you....all.

walking away

Closure.

How much can one person do, to get the closure they are looking for? Is it enough to write it out, to tell the person how they feel, or does the person have to go to the length of yelling and walking out on a friendship or relationship?

There are days I wonder why we were friends for so long? We were so different. We wanted so many different things for ourselves. But yet we claimed we would always be there for each other. We would never be apart even if the distance was there. We said we loved each other, we shared so many moments together. Some good, some amazing, and some not so good. But how did we drift so far apart? How did we become two completely different people then those two silly kids in 4th grade? People grow up, people change, but I never thought we would change so much we would have to walk away from each other. You used me, and I allowed it. I let you do those things. I let you break my heart over and over again. But I have decided to be done. I have decided that I am willing to let you break my heart for the last time and I am walking out. I am walking away from this friendship. I am going to watch the ropes that tied us together, burn into flames and walk away from you. It is better to watch this relationship go up into flames then it is to try to mend this bridge again only to have it damaged again.

longing for closure

I wish that I had a place to go. I wish I had somewhere to have the time alone and remember her.

I walked through a memorial area this afternoon and just wept at the stones laid in the ground. All the parents, all the children, the grandparents, cousins, friends, laid to rest...leaving people behind. My heart broke for the people who lost someone. But I realized that I am not alone. I am not alone in my struggle to cope with losing someone close to me. There are hundreds, thousands even, of people out there today struggling with moving on with their life after losing someone. I walked past another memorial, decorated in red white and blue, and looked at the date on the stone....8-7-11...just 6 days ago. The grass around it was dug up, it looked like it was freshly moved. Those people just lost someone, they haven't had time to even process this unfortunate event.

It bothers me the most that I don't have somewhere to go. That my dad decided to spread the ashes around the house, and not make somewhere where us, the left behind family and friends, can go and remember her. It is supposed to be that she is everywhere around me, and that she isn't just in one spot, but to have such a thing doesn't have closure that I long for. It has been 15 years, and I can't seem to have that point in my life of closure. Some attribute that to the lack of answers I have about my mother....but part of me doesn't want those answers because I know I won't like them. I won't like to hear about the story.

To walk around that memorial and see people driving up and placing flowers on a grave, broke my heart for them. I understand the pain they are going through. I understand the hurt and hole they feel in their life. I want that place they have to go to. And remember her.....

lazy bug, or worry bug

do you ever have those days where you just can't shake that bug off you? and you spend the whole day just being lazy because your body just feels miserable, but you know you haven't done anything unusual.

that was my day. i spent the weekend with my dad, and then i woke up this morning just feeling plain miserable, i didn't want to move, breathe, do anything but just lay there and watch mindless tv.

something else has been weighing on me, and maybe today it just finally caught up to me. i know i can't do anything, i can't change anything, i can't improve the situation in any shape or form. but i still think about it, i still sit there and tear up just thinking about the possibility.

i think about the things that will be missed, the things in the future that may or may not happen that won't be shared...instead of looking back at all those memories we did share. we make so many memories and so many things happened with you, that i shouldn't be sad about the things you won't do in the future, but instead think about the things we did do in the past.

how do i explain the importance of something to me, when i don't want to be judged or pitied. i don't want to hear that "oh that makes sense" but in that sad tone that is straight up pity. but i want to be able to share the reason it is important to me with people. maybe they will understand a little more about me, and why i do such things.

words hurt. no matter if they were told 5 minutes ago, or 5 years ago. those words still ring in my ear, they still dig into my heart and twist the knife harder. i heard something said to me, that i have heard before. nothing new...but it still hurt like the first time. it still stung me even though i pretend it doesn't. but when i go home, i sit on my bed and i ponder those words....are they really true? am i really like that? people tell me that it was just that person's opinion, but how many times do you have to hear that opinion for it to be right?

looking back, looking forward

my heart aches for you. i can't believe you have grown up so fast, and i can't believe that you think you know better for my life then i do. i can't believe those harsh words left your mouth and those eyes looked and judged me for making my own choices instead of what you wanted for me. i can't believe you want to throw away our friendship.

my heart is definitely broken. I look back over the many friendships i have had over the years. i have worked for some and tried very little with others. friends come and go in life. there are some who stick around for years upon end, and others who come into my life for a short season. but for some reason they were in my life. they make a footprint on my heart as the walk out of my life. i know that i shouldn't be so upset about the friends that walk away from me, but i am. i am sad that those friends were the ones to leave. but im glad to have the friends who have stuck around. they are my rock and my foundation when everything else is destroyed. i know that i can turn to any of them and they will be there for me. and i would be there for them.

some day i will lose you. i know that some day you will be leaving me forever, but i can't imagine that day when i can't just call you and you will answer. i shouldn't blame God for taking you away, because i know that you have lived your life to the fullest. you have shared your wisdom with me and raised me the way mom couldn't. but im not ready to let you go. im not ready to let you leave me here.

the other day, i mentioned that you were going to marry me, and you smiled, kissed my hand and said yes i am going to.

that night made me one of the happiest people here. i can't wait to see what the future holds. we left each other for a brief time, but then found each other. the way we used to be. we argue, we yell, we frustrate each other, we laugh, we hug, we kiss, we make each other complete. you make me complete. you are my other half.

walking around

It so happens I am sick of being a man. And it happens that I walk into tailorshops and movie houses dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of felt steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes. The smell of barbershops makes me break into hoarse sobs. The only thing I want is to lie still like stones or wool. The only thing I want is to see no more stores, no gardens, no more goods, no spectacles, no elevators. It so happens that I am sick of my feet and my nails and my hair and my shadow. It so happens I am sick of being a man. Still it would be marvelous to terrify a law clerk with a cut lily, or kill a nun with a blow on the ear. It would be great to go through the streets with a green knife letting out yells until I died of the cold. I don't want to go on being a root in the dark, insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep, going on down, into the moist guts of the earth, taking in and thinking, eating every day. I don't want so much misery. I don't want to go on as a root and a tomb, alone under the ground, a warehouse with corpses, half frozen, dying of grief. That's why Monday, when it sees me coming with my convict face, blazes up like gasoline, and it howls on its way like a wounded wheel, and leaves tracks full of warm blood leading toward the night. And it pushes me into certain corners, into some moist houses, into hospitals where the bones fly out the window, into shoeshops that smell like vinegar, and certain streets hideous as cracks in the skin. There are sulphur-colored birds, and hideous intestines hanging over the doors of houses that I hate, and there are false teeth forgotten in a coffeepot, there are mirrors that ought to have wept from shame and terror, there are umbrellas everywhere, and venoms, and umbilical cords. I stroll along serenely, with my eyes, my shoes, my rage, forgetting everything, I walk by, going through office buildings and orthopedic shops, and courtyards with washing hanging from the line: underwear, towels and shirts from which slow dirty tears are falling. Translated by Robert Bly

a month

Everything seems to have changed within a month. 4 simple weeks.

Within those 4 simple weeks, I have realized that I love my best friend. I have lost the only place I knew as my safety zone. I have gained insight to my old friends. Seen some of them not grow up, and others grow up faster then they are ready. I have realized that who I am today was because of who I met in the past. Who I came across in my path of life.

Some times I think it is better to not have met some people, but then I realize that if I had never met them, I would have been a different person today.

So thank you for all those people who ruined my life in the past because you made my present so much better.

Don't be afraid to let your fire burn, remember to never neglect your ashes.

Broken hearts and burnt ashes

*makes a sound like a horse*

three days into this college thing, and i think i can get used to it. maybe not live forever like this....but get use to enough to survive the next four years of college. i haven't found any certain person that i totally love and adore yet...but i have been able to meet a billion new people. some interesting, some not so interesting. it definitely wasn't easy the first night. but i got through it. and i know that i will get through this week, the first awkward week of being in a new place, and being around so many people at once. i got a job, and now im hoping that i will find some friends that i feel comfortable with. its also nice to be around people who have no idea what my life has been like. no idea what my past has held. and no questions to ask but "whats your major" or "where do you live"

but sharing a bathroom with like 25 other people is something i may never get used to.

may God give me whats best in the year to come.

that was written the first week i was at college. here i am tonight, the night before my last final of my freshman year. i have survived the joys and the frustrations of first year college.

i started out so strong and ready to tackle the world....and im sitting here at the end of college with my first failed class, lack of motivation, single, and broke.

what happened to that girl who entered college with hopes and dreams? what happened to that girl who knew what she wanted? what happened to that girl who knew that she wanted someone so bad she wasn't going to be able to live without them?

broken hearts and burnt ashes.

how am i supposed to fix this one? when i don't even know whats going to happen. how am i supposed to know what way to go when im faced with two different paths?

one that is straight, narrow. easy. nothing to it. show up survive. end of story

the other, a little less travelled, broad. and bumpy beyond belief. you hang on for dear life and hope to leave with only a few bruises and scratches.

i know what i want my future to be. i know who i want to be there. but yet my here and now can't seem to reflect on that.

when was that moment i stopped trusting you? when was that moment i stopped loving us, and loving your body more?

now i take a step back and wonder when will i know that the love i hold in my heart is for you, and not some mask i have created out of clay that could shatter just like a vase on the floor.

but i know that i want you as my best friend. i know that i want to spend every minute i have with you. but because of our dreams, and choices to take different paths, maybe its best we only peek at each other through the trees and smile and wave at each other. maybe one day our paths will cross again. and we can make that choice together to walk down the same road. holding hands.

yet i don't think i can live without your heart beating against mine, i don't think i can live without hearing your laugh. i don't think i can live without having the hug that warms my body inside and out. i don't think i can live without the kindness from you, and the forgiveness you have shown me.

i don't think i can live my life without you.

when is it ok to lose you best friend?

when is it ok to stop wanting to be there and talk to them every chance you get?

when is it ok to move on with your life and no longer include them?

im amused at how much we have all changed. i look at the people i thought i once knew back in high school. and apparently i didn't really know them. i knew who they wanted me to know and not them.

when am i going to know what to do? how to act? how to fix things?

im so beyond frustrated with how things are. and im getting to the point of not wanting to talk to anyone. i am wanting to become more and more like a hermit and not socialize anymore. im just getting to that point where i hate talking to people. im a bitter person most of the time.

i need out of here. i need a change. i need something new. i need to go out and be away from people.

maybe thats what i will do this weekend....turn off my phone and run away for a day.

no hope

how can you live with no hope. that there is nothing more to life. that there is nothing out there to help you. and that has placed you in these uncomfortable position for a reason. after this there is nothing thats going to happen. i don't get how someone can live like that.

how can you not believe in love? that love doesn't exist. that you are only able to survive with someone. how is it that love doesn't have conditions if its true love. but yet that is what every human does. is put conditions on it. they won't love them if they do this or that. they won't love them as much if they do something else.

what is the deciding line? how bad do you have to be? what crime do you have to commit to go to hell vs heaven. do you have to intend on killing someone? or intend to shoplift? but should a person be punished for an accident, like they didn't mean to shoplift? or they didn't know that they were going to hit that person crossing the street and kill them? should only the truly evil people go to hell? or should everyone who has fallen short of the glory of God that has not been saved go to hell? can a generally good person be allowed into heaven, even though they didn't accept Christ into their hearts?

what about all that terrible things in the world? why would does that exist? why is there a hundred children dieing everyday when there is an all powerful God sitting there. that is the one question that won't ever be really answered.

but of course how do you answer those questions without the tools we are trained to use? what other tools can i use to explain this? google? books? other people? unlikely those will give me the true answers i need.

too many words

there are too many words that i want to write. i want to write my story of who i am. i want to tell you about why im like this. but at the same time i want to write words of frustration. hurt. anger. i want to explain to you that i am not happy anymore.

how did we become like this? become so worried about not seeing each other?

become so involved in making sure the other person was happy? when did we all lose sight of ourselves and our own dreams? is it really our own dream to make someone else happy?

but then how can we become so self absorbed that we no longer worry about other people. and we end up ruining the bridges. we ruin the friendships we created. we ruin the relationships with people.

i have pretty much ruined everything. without actually admitting to it just yet. i have pretty much become so worried about my selfish reasons that i never thought twice about the people involved. i never thought about the effect on those people.

i was told today that i have my life put together....ha! if they only knew the times i struggle. the times i wallow in self pity. the times i sit here drowning myself in tears because i have screwed everything over.

i wrote once, about the tangled web we weave....well i know that im the one who is weaving this web. i am the one destroying the friendships, the relationships, the sanity in my life.

yet all i seem to do is sit here in my puddle of tears

alone

just one of those days

how do i find words to write, when i can't think straight?

i had one of those moments where everything seemed to not work for me. then i gave it some time, and things start to look up from here. i don't get to go home and be the awesome kid anymore, i get to stay here and be an adult. i just wish i could have some people surrounding me that i know will love me.

i want to write you a letter, but i don't even know where to begin. i don't know how much information is too much information. you say you won't leave, but you don't know my story. you want to know it now, but all i will get is self help from you. and i don't need nor want to hear how to fix my life. or how to cope with things better. i don't want to tell you because i don't want your opinion.

you say you want to hear it, but i don't know if you will really listen to it.

its been almost a month since i last posted. thats what happens when you start school and get so consumed in life and can't seem to find time to sit and relax.

how do you explain to someone who has had it all what its like to be the person with nothing? i was asked the question of "from dirt to grass, why go back to dirt?"

why do we do anything wrong or bad? because its comfortable. its what we know. we are happy wallowing in our self pity, acting how we grew up because change doesn't come easy.

how do you explain to someone who is open wider then a book, what its like to have a wall built so high you can't even see outside anymore?

i have been abused, mistreated, abandoned, mislead.....and so there has become a high wall around who i am. when someone dares to try to knock down that wall, i don't want to let them because i like hiding behind a wall. it protects me from being hurt once more.

over a year ago, i was retaught what it was meant by love. what true love really means. but that has been one year.....how do you have one years worth of retraining what 15 years of brokenness has done? you don't. it takes time. and effort....but if you aren't willing to put in the effort, then the breaking of the wall is pointless. if i am too weak to carry on, that wall will continue to stay up. because i don't want to put the effort into breaking it down. im happy hiding behind my wall in the dirt even though i have seen the green field of freedom. because thats what im comfortable in.

yet all i get is someone looking down on me because i won't get up and move from the dirt on my own.

instead of help.

mending bridges

its that time again. to try once more to mend the bridges burned. some people may say, they are burned...stop trying to fix them. but i think everyone deserves a second chance...or third....or fourth. im not one to give up on people who i love.

but yet it seems everytime i mend one bridge, another gets burned in the process.

how can it be that my heart and my head tell me different things? my heart wants something to happen that i have always wanted to happen....to be with him. to give him another try. a real one this time. one that involves actually staying true to him, dating him, being his girlfriend.

yet my head says, to stay out of it, it will only cause problems down the road. and it would burn an amazing bridge built now. it will only end up with me getting hurt again.

The heart is the horse that makes the cart that is your body move. Your brain is the reins. You have to trust your heart to do its job but your brain is the one that gets you where you need to go.

yet, this seems so confusing. and if i ask anyone, they will all tell me to stay. to stay and not mend that bridge. to not even think about burning the already built bridge. to leave the ashes of the bridge where they lie....

on the ground.

losing myself

what happened to those times i sat and talked for hours, doing nothing but wanting to talk to you?

what happened to those times when i could sit on my butt all day and complain i was bored?

what happened to those days when i slept through the day?

what happened to those moments of relaxation?

they all disappeared the moment i started college. my life has become about my future, no longer my present. i am working to pay for my college, to pay for my education so i can get a job in the future....not because i want to work. though it definitely has its perks.

i go days without taking a break, and weeks without days of rest all because i need to do things for my future. what if my future changes? what if i can't do those things, then wouldn't it be better to relax now just in case things don't work out? ha. i wish i could think like that.

i feel bad for ignoring people. i do. but then i remind myself that they have their own lives, they have their own problems and i need to focus on myself for once. not worrying about other people. but then i get called a selfish person. if only the stories i have were shared, i wouldn't be called a selfish person any more. for once in my life i need to focus on myself, but yet in the process, i feel like im losing myself. im losing the fun side, im losing the side of relaxing, and being lazy. im becoming dependent on business to keep my mind focused. instead of taking control of my own mind.

i can't wait till the summer comes, along with sleep. only 10 more weeks of busyness, lack of sleep, constant moving, constant thinking....

i just hope that in those 10 weeks i don't lose myself completely..........

time is changing faster then the seasons

yet again its time for a new set of classes. i have finals pretty soon and then i get to start new classes.

im faced with knowing my sister is 8 hours at least away from me, instead of 3. she is moving at the end of this month. im happy that she is making somehting productive of her life, but im not so happy about her being so far away from me. i like knowing that she was close by. but she says she will only be a phone call away.

but a phone call isn't a hug.

this past weekend i read through some of my old blogs. which im sure i will read through this one at some point in the future, and remember this. but as i read those older stories, things about other people in my life, they brought back vivid memories. they made me remember some pretty horrific stories. some points in my life that maybe should have never been written down.

our lives are changing faster then the seasons change. people are moving away. people are moving closer. people are losing and gaining jobs.

i wish there was a way to make here, the place of my utmost desire to live, feel like home. feel like this place will be ok even when im not doing things to keep me busy. even when im not focused on school or work. i want to feel secure in this place.

i guess i should just wait for the seasons to change.......

old friends

some days im brought back to the memories of middle school or high school. old friends. the people who were there when i went through the worst of the worst. when i went through the most change. the old friends i knew i could trust because we grew up together. we spent so many hours hanging out together, we knew each other.

now we are all scattered across america, spread far apart from each other. we barely talk, barely see each other. we have all moved on with our lives. im not saying thats a bad thing, but i definitely miss those faces i grew to love and care about.

i definitely wish we could all sit on the front porch and talk about nothing as if we had no care in the world. i wish we could all go to lunch and not have conflicting schedules when we are home.

i have been mending fences where they are needing to be mended. and trying to fix broken bridges, where they were burned. it takes time to change things, but i try. and maybe those bridges were meant to stay burned. and in which case, i will have to walk away from the friendship.

but it will never ever be erased from my memory those friends who were there for me when i needed them. i will never forget those countless hours we spent time talking together, sharing secrets and dreams and goals. i will never forget the moments they all effected my life. they walked in for a certain time, and walked out during another.

if i don't talk to someone for months, are we still considered good friends, just because we once were the best of friends?

is that friendship still even considered a friendship?

or do they become an acquaintances? turning into strangers we no longer know.

is a friendship all about the connection, and the support we give to each other?

or is it on the bases of knowing each other for long periods of time?

hmmmm the questions the plague my mind tonight.

it brings me back

i was listening to pandora, and i heard a song i haven't heard for years. i was really into it at the time, and then i haven't listened to it very much since then.

the minute i heard the intro, i felt myself go back to a specific moment i heard it.

i suddenly was on stage, looking out into the audience. i remember the thoughts i had during that performance. and the fact i was sharing it with one of the few people i have loved.

it was just a weird moment being brought just by a song. to a moment i forgot about.

but at least it was a happy moment, not a sad one.

a year

how much changes within a year? a lot. thats 365 days that are a possible new adventure. for something to begin. something old to end. and something life changing to happen.

thats 525 948.766 minutes that we breathe. thats 525 948.766 minutes we are alive. thats 525 948.766 minutes open for something exciting to happen.

sometime over the past year i fell in love with my best friend. we spent countless hours talking, countless nights hanging out. many sonic slushies, night time drives, and a hospital stay, i found myself staring at the pictures thinking to myself that i couldn't find anyone better. we fight, argue and drive each other crazy yet every time we are brought closer.

so bring on the next 365 days, the next 525 948.766 minutes together with him.

im ready.

i love you

the three words sworn for true love.

but what does it mean if you throw it around to everyone? nothing.

how do you know if you truly love someone?

you tell them you will never forget them, that you love them more then anything, but yet here a year later, they are no where to be found. they walked away.

and people wonder why im guarded...

i did something exactly a year ago. something that today i don't regret the physical act of doing, but i do regret doing it with the person. though i swore up and down i didn't regret it. that i wanted them in my life still...but as i look back, im glad that they walked away.

why did i waste those words on you? why did i say something when i only thought i meant it? why didn't i think about everything before it happened?

i loved you. but not how i wanted to.

now you are just a faint memory of the past.

heartless and cold

I don't get how I have been told I don't care enough....twice within the last month. does that make it true? how can people say such things when all i ever want to do is make sure they are ok, make sure that my friends are doing well, that they are holding up ok through life's trials.....but nonetheless, im called heartless, cold, and am told im not caring enough.

if you really think im that cold and heartless, then maybe i will start acting that way. you wanted me to be heartless, and not care....well hun, you got it. i will focus on my life, on my own things, and not about you. and not about your life. not care if you fail or succeed, swim or drown, love or hate....what do i care? im just a heartless bitch.

yet you don't seem to understand that my way of caring is different then yours. you want me to conform to how you live, to how stress free you are. but thats not my life. my life has never been easy. i have never been able to say that i can sit and relax without my mind running like crazy thinking of things i need to get done or how to better my work i have already done. i thrive under pressure. i work better being overwhelmed with too many things on my plate. its like a competition....to see if i can get my things off the plate in a timely manner, and still come out the best person i can be. i stop arguing with you by saying fine or whatever...because i see the argument as meaning nothing. i have wasted my life listening, and participating in arguments...and you are the one person i can't argue with because i don't want to. i want this to work. i want to be friends with you, but yet you take that statement as not caring enough.

every time i say "i love you" i mean it from the bottom of my heart. i may not portray that to you, but its true. so if a person who loves you more then herself, can't seem to portray the truth, then i guess that does make me cold and heartless. im lacking the emotion you want from me. im burnt out on emotion. i am exhausted from showing you emotion, and this is me. without emotion because its exhausting to HAVE to show it. i want to. trust me. i do...but i can't seem to do it.

i guess thats my acceptance speech to being called cold and heartless.

things to remember

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

by katie

i needed to get this off my phone and somewhere I knew i could read it again, so this is something written by katie.

play the victim, you know you're keen to this role. shadows spread and darkness falls, im coming for your soul. i'll hunt you mercilessly like the dog God created you to be. run and run but i promise you, you'll never flee. isn't it funny you fear the monster you so desperately wanted me to be? well here i am honey, now watch as i slit your throat with glee. you'll beg for mercy but its an emotion i have not yet learned. but after all this time do you think its something you have earned? i'll admit im cruel and heartless just like you always tend to say. but could you admit your demise came from the game you made us play? you planned everything perfectly or so you thought. but now as you're starting to fade do you realize you've ben caught? this last tango has been your best performance yet. saying my goodbyes on the road to hell you're set.

there are days,

and then there are DAYS.

i seriously hate those days that drag on. forever. that never seem to end. one thing after another. i can't stand having things go wrong. i feel like i can't control things if they are wrong. i can't stand fighting with someone i love. i hate that feeling.....

yet it feels like my life isn't normal, isn't functional without arguing, without the stress of everything weighing down on me.

another weird thing to add to the list.....

no words

there is no words for how i feel. there are days like this, when all i want to do is sit around...not move...and sleep. i don't want to think. i don't want to choose. i don't want to function. the end.

i hate that there are days when this consumes me. when i can't think about anything else. and it starts effecting me. i can't seem to get happy. i can't force myself to smile. i can't fake the smile, i can't fake the laugh, i can't pretend.

how is this still effecting me? when is the day when i can wake up and i don't have a piece of me missing? when is the day when i feel normal, when i feel like everyone else? when is the day when i can say i no longer ache?

i laid on the sand, wiggling my toes in the sand. i could hear the waves crash in front of me. i could hear the sound of happy children, laughing and squealing. i drowned it out, i focused on the waves, the sand, the feeling of comfort....for 20 minutes. the moment you feel like everything is ok. that your life isn't crap, the moment you don't feel anything. for a brief 20 minutes i didn't feel the hurt. i felt complete. i felt her. i felt her arms around me. comforting me like i long for everyday. then it was gone. i was brought back to reality with the crashing of the waves.