when is it ok to lose you best friend?

when is it ok to stop wanting to be there and talk to them every chance you get?

when is it ok to move on with your life and no longer include them?

im amused at how much we have all changed. i look at the people i thought i once knew back in high school. and apparently i didn't really know them. i knew who they wanted me to know and not them.

when am i going to know what to do? how to act? how to fix things?

im so beyond frustrated with how things are. and im getting to the point of not wanting to talk to anyone. i am wanting to become more and more like a hermit and not socialize anymore. im just getting to that point where i hate talking to people. im a bitter person most of the time.

i need out of here. i need a change. i need something new. i need to go out and be away from people.

maybe thats what i will do this weekend....turn off my phone and run away for a day.

no hope

how can you live with no hope. that there is nothing more to life. that there is nothing out there to help you. and that has placed you in these uncomfortable position for a reason. after this there is nothing thats going to happen. i don't get how someone can live like that.

how can you not believe in love? that love doesn't exist. that you are only able to survive with someone. how is it that love doesn't have conditions if its true love. but yet that is what every human does. is put conditions on it. they won't love them if they do this or that. they won't love them as much if they do something else.

what is the deciding line? how bad do you have to be? what crime do you have to commit to go to hell vs heaven. do you have to intend on killing someone? or intend to shoplift? but should a person be punished for an accident, like they didn't mean to shoplift? or they didn't know that they were going to hit that person crossing the street and kill them? should only the truly evil people go to hell? or should everyone who has fallen short of the glory of God that has not been saved go to hell? can a generally good person be allowed into heaven, even though they didn't accept Christ into their hearts?

what about all that terrible things in the world? why would does that exist? why is there a hundred children dieing everyday when there is an all powerful God sitting there. that is the one question that won't ever be really answered.

but of course how do you answer those questions without the tools we are trained to use? what other tools can i use to explain this? google? books? other people? unlikely those will give me the true answers i need.

too many words

there are too many words that i want to write. i want to write my story of who i am. i want to tell you about why im like this. but at the same time i want to write words of frustration. hurt. anger. i want to explain to you that i am not happy anymore.

how did we become like this? become so worried about not seeing each other?

become so involved in making sure the other person was happy? when did we all lose sight of ourselves and our own dreams? is it really our own dream to make someone else happy?

but then how can we become so self absorbed that we no longer worry about other people. and we end up ruining the bridges. we ruin the friendships we created. we ruin the relationships with people.

i have pretty much ruined everything. without actually admitting to it just yet. i have pretty much become so worried about my selfish reasons that i never thought twice about the people involved. i never thought about the effect on those people.

i was told today that i have my life put together....ha! if they only knew the times i struggle. the times i wallow in self pity. the times i sit here drowning myself in tears because i have screwed everything over.

i wrote once, about the tangled web we weave....well i know that im the one who is weaving this web. i am the one destroying the friendships, the relationships, the sanity in my life.

yet all i seem to do is sit here in my puddle of tears

alone