sunrises over the horizon

every day the sun rises to start a new day.

fresh clean slate

forget about yesterday and think about today

no longer worry about what you did,

think of only what you are doing

the flowers bloom new with each season

appreciate the change of seasons

as the leaves fall

appreciate the snow that follows

to make a white blanket over the dirt

allowing new things to grow underneath over time

as the sun sets on the day

go to sleep with hope of a new day

fresh start in the morning

new blooms with the season change

a blanket of snow covering the mistakes

"his mercy is made new every morning"

gone, and empty

when you have something, you don't realize how much you appreciate it.

something so simple as texting is a big part when you realize you can't.

when i had a choice not to do it, it wasn't a big deal if i didn't talk to my friends all day but knowing i couldn't killed me.

not having that choice to turn on the computer to check my email would kill me

not having that person in my life to say "i love you" to would kill me

not having that person in my life to fight with would kill me.

not having the food to eat would kill me

not having the ability to call my grandparents at any given time would kill me

not having my friends in my life would kill me

not being able to go to church would kill me

but i choose to not take advantage of some of these things. i take advantage of many of these things, and when i have them i don't ever appreciate having them in my life. i complain about not having the right food in the house, or being unable to text for a few hours because lack of service. i choose to spend a day without talking to the one person i love more then myself because he annoyed me for two minutes.

but when i am unable to do all of those things because of circumstances, its harder. if i can't talk to him because i am unable to, it should be no different then if i choose not to talk.

why must we suffer through something, so awful so life changing for us to finally realize the truth behind Toby Mac's words "you never know whatcha got till its gone"

i feel like now that i don't have the table, the pictures, the dishes, everything else that is gone, i feel empty. i chose to never use half of those things, but now that they are gone,

and i am left with the bare minimum,

why must i feel so different,

so defeated,

so empty of a person.

broken

have you ever felt like your life has hit rock bottom?

or that nothing could go worse, then something does and you find yourself in pieces, broken on the floor.

this is the third time i have found myself broken to pieces beyond repair so it seems. how can i be so happy yet, can't seem to stop crying?

im happy to know i no longer hear the yelling, fear the outrages, and deal with the slamming every time something goes wrong.

but yet as i stare at the shell of my father i can't help but weep for him. it scares me to not know the future and what it may bring. it may bring new adventures, and excitements, or it may bring more sorrow and heartache.

im scared to think that i may have to leave my home because we can no longer afford it. im scared that we won't make it, and i will be barely hanging on. i have sacrificed a lot, and i am just asking for one year, just one to have nothing go wrong in it. but it seems that is not possible and i must continue to stay strong on the outside, and continue to sacrifice my life, my time and now my money for college, just to stay afloat. to stay above the raging sea.

i sit behind closed doors waiting for the storm to be over.

staring behind the mask hoping no one will see me.

i just want to be whole. no longer broken.

dear Lord, make me whole.

Grrrr

I wish that he would stop and actually pay attention to me. there are days i need him more the anything....yet he goes off and does his own thing.

i wish i could tell him, those days that he isn't there with me, that i miss him. i need him to be in my life more. i need him to love me more. i need more time with him. i know he tries but maybe he should try harder.

i treasure each other those moments together, because they are so few and far apart some times. but all i can do is place those in my box of memories and pray to add more. i hope one day he realizes how much he misses me when im gone from his life. when i leave here and go far far away. i hope one day he wakes up and thinks "i should have spent more time with her"

i just wish he would realize that every moment we have even for a brief time, is meaningful to me. those times we sit together saying nothing. those are the moments i treasure the most.

but of course i can't tell him any of this.

i can't seem to find my voice.