just one of those days

how do i find words to write, when i can't think straight?

i had one of those moments where everything seemed to not work for me. then i gave it some time, and things start to look up from here. i don't get to go home and be the awesome kid anymore, i get to stay here and be an adult. i just wish i could have some people surrounding me that i know will love me.

i want to write you a letter, but i don't even know where to begin. i don't know how much information is too much information. you say you won't leave, but you don't know my story. you want to know it now, but all i will get is self help from you. and i don't need nor want to hear how to fix my life. or how to cope with things better. i don't want to tell you because i don't want your opinion.

you say you want to hear it, but i don't know if you will really listen to it.

its been almost a month since i last posted. thats what happens when you start school and get so consumed in life and can't seem to find time to sit and relax.

how do you explain to someone who has had it all what its like to be the person with nothing? i was asked the question of "from dirt to grass, why go back to dirt?"

why do we do anything wrong or bad? because its comfortable. its what we know. we are happy wallowing in our self pity, acting how we grew up because change doesn't come easy.

how do you explain to someone who is open wider then a book, what its like to have a wall built so high you can't even see outside anymore?

i have been abused, mistreated, abandoned, mislead.....and so there has become a high wall around who i am. when someone dares to try to knock down that wall, i don't want to let them because i like hiding behind a wall. it protects me from being hurt once more.

over a year ago, i was retaught what it was meant by love. what true love really means. but that has been one year.....how do you have one years worth of retraining what 15 years of brokenness has done? you don't. it takes time. and effort....but if you aren't willing to put in the effort, then the breaking of the wall is pointless. if i am too weak to carry on, that wall will continue to stay up. because i don't want to put the effort into breaking it down. im happy hiding behind my wall in the dirt even though i have seen the green field of freedom. because thats what im comfortable in.

yet all i get is someone looking down on me because i won't get up and move from the dirt on my own.

instead of help.