i love you

the three words sworn for true love.

but what does it mean if you throw it around to everyone? nothing.

how do you know if you truly love someone?

you tell them you will never forget them, that you love them more then anything, but yet here a year later, they are no where to be found. they walked away.

and people wonder why im guarded...

i did something exactly a year ago. something that today i don't regret the physical act of doing, but i do regret doing it with the person. though i swore up and down i didn't regret it. that i wanted them in my life still...but as i look back, im glad that they walked away.

why did i waste those words on you? why did i say something when i only thought i meant it? why didn't i think about everything before it happened?

i loved you. but not how i wanted to.

now you are just a faint memory of the past.

heartless and cold

I don't get how I have been told I don't care enough....twice within the last month. does that make it true? how can people say such things when all i ever want to do is make sure they are ok, make sure that my friends are doing well, that they are holding up ok through life's trials.....but nonetheless, im called heartless, cold, and am told im not caring enough.

if you really think im that cold and heartless, then maybe i will start acting that way. you wanted me to be heartless, and not care....well hun, you got it. i will focus on my life, on my own things, and not about you. and not about your life. not care if you fail or succeed, swim or drown, love or hate....what do i care? im just a heartless bitch.

yet you don't seem to understand that my way of caring is different then yours. you want me to conform to how you live, to how stress free you are. but thats not my life. my life has never been easy. i have never been able to say that i can sit and relax without my mind running like crazy thinking of things i need to get done or how to better my work i have already done. i thrive under pressure. i work better being overwhelmed with too many things on my plate. its like a competition....to see if i can get my things off the plate in a timely manner, and still come out the best person i can be. i stop arguing with you by saying fine or whatever...because i see the argument as meaning nothing. i have wasted my life listening, and participating in arguments...and you are the one person i can't argue with because i don't want to. i want this to work. i want to be friends with you, but yet you take that statement as not caring enough.

every time i say "i love you" i mean it from the bottom of my heart. i may not portray that to you, but its true. so if a person who loves you more then herself, can't seem to portray the truth, then i guess that does make me cold and heartless. im lacking the emotion you want from me. im burnt out on emotion. i am exhausted from showing you emotion, and this is me. without emotion because its exhausting to HAVE to show it. i want to. trust me. i do...but i can't seem to do it.

i guess thats my acceptance speech to being called cold and heartless.

things to remember

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

by katie

i needed to get this off my phone and somewhere I knew i could read it again, so this is something written by katie.

play the victim, you know you're keen to this role. shadows spread and darkness falls, im coming for your soul. i'll hunt you mercilessly like the dog God created you to be. run and run but i promise you, you'll never flee. isn't it funny you fear the monster you so desperately wanted me to be? well here i am honey, now watch as i slit your throat with glee. you'll beg for mercy but its an emotion i have not yet learned. but after all this time do you think its something you have earned? i'll admit im cruel and heartless just like you always tend to say. but could you admit your demise came from the game you made us play? you planned everything perfectly or so you thought. but now as you're starting to fade do you realize you've ben caught? this last tango has been your best performance yet. saying my goodbyes on the road to hell you're set.

there are days,

and then there are DAYS.

i seriously hate those days that drag on. forever. that never seem to end. one thing after another. i can't stand having things go wrong. i feel like i can't control things if they are wrong. i can't stand fighting with someone i love. i hate that feeling.....

yet it feels like my life isn't normal, isn't functional without arguing, without the stress of everything weighing down on me.

another weird thing to add to the list.....

no words

there is no words for how i feel. there are days like this, when all i want to do is sit around...not move...and sleep. i don't want to think. i don't want to choose. i don't want to function. the end.

i hate that there are days when this consumes me. when i can't think about anything else. and it starts effecting me. i can't seem to get happy. i can't force myself to smile. i can't fake the smile, i can't fake the laugh, i can't pretend.

how is this still effecting me? when is the day when i can wake up and i don't have a piece of me missing? when is the day when i feel normal, when i feel like everyone else? when is the day when i can say i no longer ache?

i laid on the sand, wiggling my toes in the sand. i could hear the waves crash in front of me. i could hear the sound of happy children, laughing and squealing. i drowned it out, i focused on the waves, the sand, the feeling of comfort....for 20 minutes. the moment you feel like everything is ok. that your life isn't crap, the moment you don't feel anything. for a brief 20 minutes i didn't feel the hurt. i felt complete. i felt her. i felt her arms around me. comforting me like i long for everyday. then it was gone. i was brought back to reality with the crashing of the waves.