i vow

i vow to love you for you. 
to be there when you get frustrated and when you are over joyed. 
to be there to feed you chicken soup when you are sick, and to be dancing in the rain with you when you're not. 
i vow to never give up on us no matter how hard things get. no matter the trials we face, and no matter how upset you can make me sometimes. 
i will always complain about how boring your fro yo is, and promise to always steal your food. 
i promise to be there for you no matter how far apart we may be. 
i promise to love you until they are driving buicks to the moon. 








its funny how a movie can inspire you to write something. something that may eventually be said in one of the most meaningful ceremonies two people can share. its funny how just two years ago, i was saying i didn't believe in love, i didn't believe it could really heal all wounds or endure all things. but it is amazing how one person can change your whole life for the better. they can make you remember what it was like to be in love for the first time or to be truly yourself. and i look forward to sharing the rest of my life with him. 

Funny how life is....

So far 2012 has been an interesting year. I looked back at my posts and realized that there has been silence from my fingers since last year. The silence has made me become bitter, anxious, and very much unwilling to move. There is something about writing things down, that helps ease the pain, the worry, and even lifts the joys even more.


I changed majors, although things have not been made official. But waiting patiently for that email. The email from the people I desire to please the most because they are the ones who decide my future at college. But then again, maybe I shouldn't have tried so hard. There was always the option to leave. To leave college and run away to reality for awhile, and then return when things made more sense. When things were more clear for me and what I should be doing. But would I really return once I quit? I don't know. I am not one to start again something I dropped. But things can always change.


I became anxious again recently. I became so worried and so sick to my stomach that I needed to just leave. I needed to sit in the dark and cry. Of course that doesn't always happen and I just find something else to do. But this time I couldn't find something for my mind to focus on. I was laying there in bed, and just imagining everything that could go wrong. The things I worry about least, became the biggest hurdles for me to jump. I worried I made the wrong choice, that the place I am living is the wrong place. I worried that maybe something would go wrong, and I wouldn't be okay. I worried that I wouldn't be able to pay rent and I would be without housing. I worried that the one person that is my idol, would think of me as a failure if I didn't succeed. I became caught up in life and the "what ifs" of life that I forgot the "right nows" of life. I sat in the bathroom, crying and unable to move. I became unable to talk and all I could do was sit there in the dark. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to just remove everything from my body and lay there empty. But then he shows up, unable to understand what is going on....and I can't even look at him. I couldn't even begin to explain myself. All I could think was that he hated me, that I was a terrible person for not being able to share with him the most personal thoughts, and that I knew what he would say. That he would tell me to relax, that everything would be okay. But in the moment, no matter how hard I tried....I couldn't believe that. Then the tears became so overwhelming, so overpowering of my body that I became like a little kid, hysterically crying and laying on the floor screaming to have the light turned off. I didn't want the light on, I didn't want to face anyone or anything in that moment.


I don't understand how things that I know deep inside of me, won't happen....or I know is okay and will be okay.....just consume me. Just won't allow me to think of anything else but.


Now I need something normal in my life. Something routine and familiar. You would think that is a movie, or a picture or even a stuff animal. But it is just work. Plain old work. Walking into the office is one of the most calming feelings I have here. How is my job more of a home then home is?


funny how life is....

Pressure

i had one of those moments. where i felt like i wasn't going to be able to make it. like the world was going to come crashing down around me. people say that i am so amazing for dealing with everything, yet they don't see what happens behind closed doors. they don't see the days where i am crying and can't stop because the pressure is too much.

"tears are the heart's release valve when too much pressure is put on it"

some days i want to just have a new life. i want to have one house, one place to run to when things get bad. but i guess its not about the building but those who are in it. i can't wait to have a house of my own.

too many words

how can i even begin to place the thoughts into words. i have so many thoughts that need to be written. i want to start by writing letters to everyone and expressing my feelings about things to them. but as i begin to write those letters, thoughts that come up that belong to other people, and i have to pause and start writing them the letter. its a jumble of thoughts.

i wish i could tell you how sorry i am. i wish i could begin to express my sadness towards the situation we went through. im so sorry and heartbroken that we even had to go through that. i am sorry that it was my fault. that i was the one to be dumb about things.

i want to be able to tell you that im here for you. i want to explain to you my openness to being your best friend. even though we don't talk, we don't see each other and we have began to have our own lives. but i will always always always be there for you.

i wish i could tell you how hurt i was after you said those things. i wish i could yell and scream about the anger those words you told me and your group shared with me. because those words were not meant to be shared. you should have never even said those words to me. but of course i will not yell, i will not scream...i will hold my tongue like it is proper to do.

I wish i could hug you and tell you that it will be okay. i want to be able to tell you that it may be sucky now, but it will get better. it will become the best years of your life. but i want to hug you now and tell you that things will be okay. we fought, and lets move on from that. we don't talk anymore, but lets start fresh and start all over.

I wish i could pay for everything for you. i wish i could be a millionaire and just pay for those dumb things that come up. i want to be able to help you like you have helped me so much. i want to be able to buy you pretty things, and tell you that i can buy you a house or a pony.

i wish i was there. i wish i could experience all those things you tell me about. i want to be part of your life. i want to become more part of your life...but i can't because of the distance. i want to be part of your life more. be there with you.

oh the things i wish i could write to people. i want to be able to express my feelings and my thoughts. but they don't make sense, they are jumbled.

oh the things i wish i could tell you....all.

walking away

Closure.

How much can one person do, to get the closure they are looking for? Is it enough to write it out, to tell the person how they feel, or does the person have to go to the length of yelling and walking out on a friendship or relationship?

There are days I wonder why we were friends for so long? We were so different. We wanted so many different things for ourselves. But yet we claimed we would always be there for each other. We would never be apart even if the distance was there. We said we loved each other, we shared so many moments together. Some good, some amazing, and some not so good. But how did we drift so far apart? How did we become two completely different people then those two silly kids in 4th grade? People grow up, people change, but I never thought we would change so much we would have to walk away from each other. You used me, and I allowed it. I let you do those things. I let you break my heart over and over again. But I have decided to be done. I have decided that I am willing to let you break my heart for the last time and I am walking out. I am walking away from this friendship. I am going to watch the ropes that tied us together, burn into flames and walk away from you. It is better to watch this relationship go up into flames then it is to try to mend this bridge again only to have it damaged again.

longing for closure

I wish that I had a place to go. I wish I had somewhere to have the time alone and remember her.

I walked through a memorial area this afternoon and just wept at the stones laid in the ground. All the parents, all the children, the grandparents, cousins, friends, laid to rest...leaving people behind. My heart broke for the people who lost someone. But I realized that I am not alone. I am not alone in my struggle to cope with losing someone close to me. There are hundreds, thousands even, of people out there today struggling with moving on with their life after losing someone. I walked past another memorial, decorated in red white and blue, and looked at the date on the stone....8-7-11...just 6 days ago. The grass around it was dug up, it looked like it was freshly moved. Those people just lost someone, they haven't had time to even process this unfortunate event.

It bothers me the most that I don't have somewhere to go. That my dad decided to spread the ashes around the house, and not make somewhere where us, the left behind family and friends, can go and remember her. It is supposed to be that she is everywhere around me, and that she isn't just in one spot, but to have such a thing doesn't have closure that I long for. It has been 15 years, and I can't seem to have that point in my life of closure. Some attribute that to the lack of answers I have about my mother....but part of me doesn't want those answers because I know I won't like them. I won't like to hear about the story.

To walk around that memorial and see people driving up and placing flowers on a grave, broke my heart for them. I understand the pain they are going through. I understand the hurt and hole they feel in their life. I want that place they have to go to. And remember her.....

lazy bug, or worry bug

do you ever have those days where you just can't shake that bug off you? and you spend the whole day just being lazy because your body just feels miserable, but you know you haven't done anything unusual.

that was my day. i spent the weekend with my dad, and then i woke up this morning just feeling plain miserable, i didn't want to move, breathe, do anything but just lay there and watch mindless tv.

something else has been weighing on me, and maybe today it just finally caught up to me. i know i can't do anything, i can't change anything, i can't improve the situation in any shape or form. but i still think about it, i still sit there and tear up just thinking about the possibility.

i think about the things that will be missed, the things in the future that may or may not happen that won't be shared...instead of looking back at all those memories we did share. we make so many memories and so many things happened with you, that i shouldn't be sad about the things you won't do in the future, but instead think about the things we did do in the past.

how do i explain the importance of something to me, when i don't want to be judged or pitied. i don't want to hear that "oh that makes sense" but in that sad tone that is straight up pity. but i want to be able to share the reason it is important to me with people. maybe they will understand a little more about me, and why i do such things.

words hurt. no matter if they were told 5 minutes ago, or 5 years ago. those words still ring in my ear, they still dig into my heart and twist the knife harder. i heard something said to me, that i have heard before. nothing new...but it still hurt like the first time. it still stung me even though i pretend it doesn't. but when i go home, i sit on my bed and i ponder those words....are they really true? am i really like that? people tell me that it was just that person's opinion, but how many times do you have to hear that opinion for it to be right?