stressed

somedays i wish i had a parent that would do everything for me and i could enjoy my life. but im not that lucky. i have all this paperwork to fill out for college, and all before deadlines. and i missed one of the payment deadlines for the dorms i wanted. of course cause i didn't know what was going on with school, so i didn't turn anything in. so i will be placed in a random dorm....fabulous. and don't forget now i have to find my medical records, and make copies of that...and have the doctor sign some stuff. which means i have to go to the doctors office. and then all the paperwork has to be mailed to separate offices which costs more for stamps. but guess what? THEY DON'T CARE. because if i don't follow THEIR rules and THEIR guidelines, they can easily just drop me. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh and all i want to do is hang out with my friends and enjoy spring break. but deadlines for half of this is in early may. oh and don't forget that they are only open during certain hours of the day. so i get to plan my day around their times. and because i don't know how long they will take talking to me, i have to make sure i have nothing else around that time.

sigh

in another area of thought...

i realized this weekend that this summer will be the hardest summer of my life. i have to leave everyone i love. and i may have to do it early too. depending on if i get into the summer program.

i was telling this to joey and when i did he made this face of "why are you leaving me so early" face, and it made me want to cry. i know there will come a time when we will have to think if our relationship is going to work being far away from each other and we both know that we would be looking at other people. but it doesn't change the fact that its going to be sad to say goodbye. i wasn't planning on getting attached..

but now i am.

and then as i was up in SLO for the weekend i wanted my bestest friend in the whole world with me because i wanted to share stuff with her as it was happening, but she wasn't there. and i realized thats how its going to be all next year. i mean i know i will make new friends...but not as amazing as she is. and when i leave her i will probably spend the next few hours crying.

may the next three months take forever.

forgiveness is not an option

Its funny how God works. Monday was a good day. I called into SLO and things seemed to be working out good there. I found 3 pairs of shoes for $20. I found out that my aunt and uncle are planning on attending my graduation. And I had a sudden realization....

I wrote a letter like I was told, to a person who I was angry and bitter at, then precede to burn it or tear it up and forget about the anger and bitterness just like God does. As I wrote the letter to Tim, I realized that I was the one to blame for everything. I pushed him that night and I am now taking responsibility for my actions. I feel terrible that I blamed him for everything when he did nothing wrong. So I decided I was going to apologize to him soon. (I did that this morning but I will get to that later) And I went to discipleship. The whole chapter was about what forgiveness is and is not. And one of them that stood out to me was that forgiveness is not an option. It is not a feeling that we feel like doing one day and not feel like the next. it is an act of obedience to God.

"The Bible never commands "forgive and forget" This is one of those old, unbiblical statements by which people often try to guide their lives that is utterly incorrect. If you try to forget, you will fail. In fact, the harder you try the more difficult you will find forgetting"

"We will probably never understand why we were hurt...Understanding may come later, in fragments, an insight here and a glimpse there, after forgiving. But we are asking too much if we want to understand everything at the beginning."

Phil 3:13b

"...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead"

So I realized all this was relating to everything with me and Tim. So last night me and joey were talking, and he did something and suddenly I shut off. I was brought back to everything that had happened, everything bad. I shut my whole body down, and ruined things between me and joey for that moment. I wouldn't hold his hand, or look at him, and i just shut off everything. i wanted to cry. i did tell him about my realization and he told me about when he found out about everything how he wanted to blame tim but then it hit him that i was also to blame. i kept saying that i was also but i didn't realize how much i was to blame until yesterday afternoon.

SOOOO then I woke up this morning and then went back to sleep till like 1030. I realized that I needed to text Tim before I got too nervous about it. He replied saying that he wouldn't meet with me, but I could call him and just get it over with. I called him and he answered with a rude "what" and it was terrible. I started off explaining the whole background to the story and then I apologized to him. I apologized to him for everything for blaming him for things he wasn't meant to be blamed for. And that I was taking responsibility for everything that happened. We talked for 20 min and he yelled at me saying that I was a selfish bitch, and that I was a terrible person. I just let him yell because I knew I needed to hear it, but it hurt. It hurt to hear the one boy that I allowed in so far say hurtful words to me. He blamed me for things that I wasn't meant to be blamed for like his money problems. But we did get closure between us about why I broke up with him. And he said that he was so happy to be without me and he was happy to never see me. He told me that he no longer has any feelings for me and he hoped my life turned out to be what i wanted.

Yes he was hurt, and so he said hurtful words. I knew I deserved those words to be said to me....but it still doesn't change the fact that now I am beaten down. And I am self pitying, self medicating, and being mopey. So now I guess that I apologized I must move forward. Let it all go and not look back. And not allow something like this to consume me.

have you ever

had one of those weekends that had so much promise to be great, then things change throughout the day and things don't turn out so amazing?

that was my weekend. don't get me wrong, my weekend was fun....but it had the potential to be so much better then it was.

i need to get out more. i feel like this weekend was a waste of energy. there are some weekends when i feel so busy and overwhelmed and wish for days i could just sit and relax...but when i have those days...i want to be busy!

during the night

i hate the nightmares.

i hate not being able to sleep during the night without taking something. without having some form of drug whether medicine or getting a massage, or something to that effect. something that will help me sleep. last night i was wide awake until almost midnight, well i didn't get home till almost 11. but then i woke up at 2 then again at 5 then one final time at 615. and during those hours of sleep all my dreams could be were those of nightmares. of the repeating of the one single act that changed my life. i want this to be gone. im tired of being reminded that i made a mistake, that i screwed my future with any other boy to come.

ahhhhhhh im just done!

i look out my window at the tree that has stood there and changed with the season, dropping leaves, growing new blooms, being bare, etc. currently it has its spring outfit of blooms on it. they are quite annoying when they drop cause they stick to the cars and stuff. but on the tree they are so pretty. the tree has new growth and new blooms, maybe this is the season for my new growth. i have been changing slowly but surely,

but not without falling along the way.

new outlook

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did

or

The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

I spent the day yesterday laying on the beach. its the one place i run away to, to escape from everything here. i was so frustrated and overwhelmed that i needed to run away. i have not been able to face anything head on, but i always seem to run away. but when i do come back, i have a new outlook on things, i am refreshed, and reminded of everything.

I stood on the waters edge alone, staring at the ocean rolling in and out. the waves continually crashing on the sand. i was reminded of my own words a few months ago, "But all it takes is just one wave of trouble and my life crumbles under the pressure. The pressure of trouble and stress pounding against me. "

I have been allowing the stress and the pressure of life crash against me, wearing me down.

but as i stood there staring at the waves pounding against the sand, a song was brought to my head...

Lead me to the cross

Where Your love poured out

Bring me to my knees

Lord I lay me down

Rid me of myself

I belong to You

Lead me, lead me to the cross

And that has become my prayer...to be rid of myself, and to lay everything at the cross. because He is in control. I am not perfect, no one is. but i want to strive for a better me. I know i will fail, and i am ok with that. I am not going to get down on myself for my mistakes, for my mistakes are lessons learned.

i have figured out all the ways to NOT do a relationship.

I have seen the ways to NOT run a family.

I have seen the ways how to NOT treat people.

I have seen the ways to NOT handle money.

I have learned how to NOT stay pure in mind.

I have learned how to NOT follow God...

so everything else I am going to do will be the opposite of those things. I am going to turn my car to left or the right (whichever way is safe) and not make a u turn...because a u turn would only make me see what im leaving behind. i hit that stop sign in my life, and now i want to move myself forward.

maybe love does exist...from God anyways.

I AM is in control

I thought having my world rocked a few times this year was enough.....but apparently there is always more.

i love the saying "God never gives you more then you can handle...i just wish He didn't trust me so much" or something along those lines.

Yesterday I called the admin office for SLO, my dream number one school, and asked about my application. I had put on there when I applied that I was PLANNING on taking a college course this semester at the JC. But low and behold, it was too crowded and I couldn't get into the class. I shrugged that off and moved forward thinking God has better plans for me with teaching. BUT of course because SLO is a very hard school to get into, they decided to be picky. and inform me that because i didn't take the college course this semester, there is a chance that my admissions will be taken back. I don't need the class to graduate, i am done with my credits...it was a just-because-i-can class. So now i had to send them my transcripts and they will review them and let me know (whenever) if i am still accepted for the fall. AND of course I haven't heard from San Jose still, but I am going to give them till the end of the week and then monday I am going to call and figure out what happened. I have already denied 2 of the 3 other colleges i have been accepted into because my mind was made up that I was going to SLO.

I feel like God gave me a note yesterday saying:

Dear Cassie,

because i love you and trust you and you love me, im going to take away the future you planned...make it my plans, and remind you that you aren't in control. I AM. Please trust me.

Love,

God.

I don't like the idea of His will, because it isn't MY future plans I made, all by MYSELF. All the doors had been wide open, so I jumped...only to have to climb back up to the door and re-evaluate everything.

UGH

chances of me being still accepted 50%

chances of me being accepted next year or in two years 10%

yup im going to be pessimistic about this.

but then again as I rethink about this...i was doing all the planning...and not allowing God to control my thoughts. maybe thats why he decided to pull the rug from under me causing me to fall on my butt.

once again.

worth in the worthlessness

how can you find me worthy to be loved? to be cared for? when all i am is damaged, and used, and no longer perfect....

you sure do amaze me sometimes.

its easy to forget when you can trust in God and have faith in Him, but when you no longer trust Him and no longer can put your faith in Him because of years of hurt and anger and lies from the devil, it takes longer to forget and get healing.

camp was amazingly awesome. it was definitely the one thing i needed. i really needed the messages and hearing them made sense for once. i am going to need to rely on the body of Christ more and no more relying on just myself. i want my identity to be in God and no of the world. I want to define myself by what i am for and not by what i am against. we learn about life through dieing. (dieing to ourselves everyday and denying our flesh.) it is only when we are completely and fully broken down to pieces that God can put us back together and make us new in Him.

Isaiah 64:6b

"...we all shrivel up like a leaf and like the wind our sins sweep us away"

when we sin our lives become so dead and unclean like filthy rags. we shrivel up like leaves after they have fallen off the tree. the tree gives it life and supplies it nutrients. but when a leaf leaves that, it shrivels up and dries out. we get so carried away by our sins that we get swept up and carried away far from the tree that made us a leaf

how can something so amazing have such a negative affect on me?

i apologized to him for everything. i said i was sorry and i meant it. it wasn't like that "im sorry but i really don't mean it" stuff said on the playground when one kid hits another. it was an apology from deep within my heart, because i feel terrible that it ruined who i am, and tore down my spirit. it has kept me up many sleepless nights. and made me feel worthless, and damaged and should never be touched or loved again. but thats all he has to offer. he wants to be there to support me. and be my strong tower when i need him to be.

thank you for blessing me when i sure don't deserve your blessings.

you have picked me up and brushed off my scratches and fixed my broken bones. you have begun to heal me. slowly, but you have begun your healing.

in a few months im leaving my comfort zone. i will have to find new friends. and depend on the body of Christ for support. no longer depend on those i have learned to trust. i must move forward and be open and dependent on others.

that was just a snap shot of my weekend.