new room

new thoughts?

I would like to pretend so.

I needed to think through some stuff and i usually think better when i am cleaning or organizing. I had repainted my entire room one day because i needed to figure some stuff out. turns out it helps.

well today i needed to find those perfect words. the perfect words to tell him, "i dont care i am doing whatever i want anyways" but not in such a harsh manner.

i found my voice and wrote my heart out. i was honest and truthful. turns out things went smoother then expected.

ahem. clouds are pretty. in my new room (well its technically old room since i moved out of this originally) i can sit at my desk and stare out the window. and look at the street and the tree out my window. and i can see the sky above. i can watch the clouds go by.

i hope im doing the right thing and this isnt going to blow up in my face later on down the road..or next week. i have come so far and have made my mind up about some stuff and decided a bunch of life changing things. i hope that this won't come back later and turn out to be a horrible mistake i must change. i already made one making me have to choose to do this to change that old mistake. sigh.

new room, same old thoughts.

after an exciting week of causing my relationship go on the edge of the cliff, getting teeth removed from my mouth causing me to be in pain and not eat the not-so-much-needed calories, i was able to sit back and relax with my boy and watch tv and movies. i realized that even after everything we have gone through and having everything happen and having my doubts and worries and moments of weakness, i do love him. i love everything about him, even his weirdness and his super nerdyness. i left him reluctantly tonight not wanting to let him return home. it seemed like the night slipped through my fingers just as fast as sand. but we parted ways and i wanted to be with him again. i look forward to seeing him again.

contentness is not really here but it is on the horizon. its coming with the rising sun.

the truth...you want the full truth?

and nothing but the truth...

the truth hurts. it tears apart people held together by lies. but the truth is a light, a beacon of light in the darkness of lies and deceit.

today i was able to confront the truth. something i have been hiding behind for two months almost. i had been lieing to myself and to a friend. a close friend might i add. someone i love dearly and don't want to hurt ever in my life, i shattered today their heart. their heart was whole before i stepped into their life. and because of my messed up stupid lies their heart is shattered, broken now. and whats left? i have no clue. i am left to fix it, so i am told. i was instructed that i broke, now i have to fix it. too bad it doesn't follow the rule "break it you buy it" because paying for it would be easier then trying to fix it. i regret the day i even began this because i wasn't honest. i tried to be i really did in the beginning but as things progressed, the lie became bigger and more powerful and it meant more to keep it alive then to keep the relationship on an honest playing field.

i felt so sick to my stomach today, throwing up once. i made the one person that made me smile, cry. i have never made a person cry, unless it was some bitch that deserved it. but they, they didn't deserve it. now im paying the price of having to mend that bridge, and make them trust me again.

there is a quote...by sir walter scott

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive"

now i must sit in my web, and figure out how to unstick myself. i got in over my head with lieing to them. i wanted them happy so in turn i made myself lie only to in turn make them miserable. what a horrible mess i am in now...

new things

i found out the other day that i have this opportunity to maybe teach a class at a middle school level. nothing is set in stone yet, but to be considered even was a great compliment. i want to be able to teach the class and stay with the homeschooling. i love the people there and the way my schedule is. and the low stress level of homework. yeah i have a higher stress level of college and trying to get in and making sure everything is in its place. but i think it will help me. i have been praying for things to work out to what God wants. because if things work out to where i am needing to be back at Linfield then that means God is going to open up some other doors later on, and if they work out to where I can still keep this schedule and teach, then God will open up different doors. I feel like I need to be doing something more to help this process, but I can not do much more then what I am allowed to do.

its hard being patient.

normalcy

i am so glad that this feeling has returned. i may not have everything worked out with school in my mind, but i have a peace about some other things. i have my amazing boyfriend along side of me. we have fought probably one of the biggest hardest battles yet. and have survived coming back even stronger. and i have my best girlfriend in the whole world there with me sharing our secrets and giggling with me. and plans my wedding that won't happen for several years just because we can. and i have gained new friends this year within the first week of school. i love the feeling of not being judged of my past, or having people know who i was. i like the feeling of starting fresh. i am rebuilding one of the bridges i broke. it is a slow process but i am rebuilding it. things seem to be slowly turning back to what they were. we had a conversation for once without any fighting and it lasted more then ten minutes. it last several hours. and for once thats what i wanted.

now if i could only have everything be peaceful for school.....

I'd like to float in a sailing boat

And take you swimmin in the Milky Way

And hand in hand away we would fly
Watching the stars go by
And heart to heart together we'd lie
Watching the stars go by

I watched the stars under a blanket, sitting in the back of a truck, with someone I love. It has been one of my dreams to do. It was on my bucket list, now I can say I did it and can cross it off. I love staring at the moon and the stars because they look so close, but yet are so far from here. the black night sky is in contrast to the shining moon and the shining stars.

it is just one of life's little miracles I love.

reality

I laugh looking at all the pictures on myspace and facebook. I look at all those girls that I knew back in middle school. We used to sit and talk about how the older girls looked horrible, and here my friends are looking identical to them now. i guess i'm no different though. i have changed a lot over the last years from middle school. there are some days i want to go back to those days of having sleep overs, fighting over stupid stuff like the fact another girl MIGHT like the same guy I had a crush on, the days of pillow fights and passing love notes in class. i don't want to be thinking about college, and moving away from my friends. or the sad days i have spent over the last 3 years.

some days i wish i had never grown up. that i had lived in a glass box and was never introduced to the real world. but i can't undo it now. i must wake up every morning and face the realities thrown at me by the world. the reality that I am expected to attend college, the reality I have no money for college, and the hardest reality, seeing someone i used to love and wishing to forget. but i can't seem to erase him from my mind.