you are loved

so the two weeks are almost up, but within the last week and a half i have spent time with the Lord, and doing homework, and doing chores. I mean i usually do those things, but now i have actually not been as stressed to get them done because my time was not eaten up by face book. and i have slept better because my body doesn't have as much caffeine in it. thanks to the cutting out soda and energy drinks.

something amazing happened yesterday also. joey found me a possible roommate for SLO, so I am quite excited for that. its a girl he knows and goes to school with, and she is looking for someone who isn't a party/drinker/smoker, and its a plus to be a christian....yup thats me! so im going to talk to her next week when i am back on facebook once again, and maybe work things out.

so i also started a discipleship with one of the leaders at church. we are going through a book called "go in peace" and yesterday we did chapter one. i swear this author knows my thoughts, and has been living in my mind since i was born, because everything she has written is towards me and my life and everything i have struggled with. (i know that sounds a bit conceited...but thats how i feel) the first chapter was called "you are loved"

before this was the introduction, and in that introduction i was supposed to write down my goals, my spiritual goals. so here they are:

--I want to be free of the bitterness towards God for taking my mom away

--I want to be free of the anger and hatred towards Tammy for causing my sister to leave and then leaving my dad with debt

--i want freedom from the sexual thoughts and reminders of my past actions-freedom from my past being my future

--i want peace when it comes to deciding what to do with my life/future

--i want freedom from peer pressure to join in drinking...again

the same word appears in each of those (except one), to be free or freedom.

in chapter 1 i read about the things that come up again and again and i think and ponder upon those things, and they aren't always good things (they could be sins that i inflict on others, or that others have inflicted on me) that have caused me pain

"It is as if this deep hurt causes such a scarring on the outside of our hearts that we don't allow the truth of God's love to penetrate to the inside of our hearts"

when we chew on things like the hurt and anger and bitterness as a result of our/others sin, we become like cows. chewing cud over and over and over again.

cud is gross. and i don't like being like a cow. i am tired of chewing on things as they get brought back into my life, maybe by a conversation or by seeing something. it hurts to have that memory or a bad sin or a lie come back to me and remind me of how stupid i have been.

but thankfully God wants to forgive me of those sins, and wants to love me no matter what kind of crud i have been doing. He wants to take away all the cud i chew on, i just need to give it to Him.

you words hurt

if actions speak louder then words, then i want to know what action is going to speak louder then the words i just heard. because those were some pretty strong words.

i received an email from his sister saying some pretty mean things. blaming me for things i didn't control. and saying things that hurt. i am refusing to answer her until my mind is fully calm and at rest. which probably won't be for a few more hours. i was so mad that i ran 2 miles straight, and the only reason i stopped was because i couldn't breathe from being sick the last few weeks. so this is going to my rough draft of my letter to her...though im sure that when i actually email her back, words will be much nicer, and more thought out.

to answer your questions...no i don't like seeing him sad or upset or bitter. i don't enjoy making him mad or upset, nor did i do anything on purpose. how can something be heartless when my whole heart went into this? how can you be the judge of me when you have no room to judge me? i did nothing out of spite or malice, but i did it out of love. i know it may not seem like it, but i was setting him free, free to be with someone who will love him as much as he loves them. you are right when you say he loved me more then i deserved, and i NEVER failed to tell him that he deserves someone better then me. he knew my past yet he still wanted to date me, he knew my flaws and wanted to date me. how dare you say that this is completely my fault he is hurt! i never once sent him any picture of me and my boyfriend, nor did i ever flaunt anything in front of him. he was the one who wanted to stay with me, even though i explained my conditions plainly, that i was seeing someone else while seeing him. i told him to leave and be done, and not still see me as a girlfriend figure. i want to be friends with him because he is an amazing guy. but he was the one who chose to stay with me on my conditions. i never once made him spend any money on me. there is a certain courtesy of being a boyfriend to pay for outings, but i never once made him do anything, i even offered to pay for things and i never ever once told him he had to buy me gifts to make me feel special. i told him NUMEROUS times that he made me feel special just by being my boyfriend. so when you say that im the one to blame for his lack of ability to manage his money, you are so wrong. i do not ever flaunt my ungratefulness, i have told him many times that im grateful for things he has done. you have no right to say whether i cared for him or not. you live a few hundred miles away, and were not with us hardly at all. you have no right to tell me i am a mean hearted person. i do respect his wishes to not talk to him. HELL i was the one who didn't want to talk to him. you have no idea what you are talking about. he was the one who said he didn't want to talk me for two days, then when i returned he tried talking to me. i never once texted him during those two days. when i returned home i decided that i wasn't going to talk to him and told him so. so when i did text him to defend myself from immature remarks about myself, i was doing so only to defend myself not to attack him. i felt betrayed by his words and i wanted to let him know. you feel that he has every right to call someone ugly? wow way to be a good Christian. i was calling him out on his immature remarks. i have not once made any remark on face book or anytime at all for that matter against him or his looks. i don't care if you all delete me from your face book, big deal. you all just are a bunch of liars then, because you are only friends with me during the time of me dating him, you aren't the people i thought you were. im so thrilled to hear that your brother is happy without me. thats what i want. i want him to be happy and move forward and get his life together because hell i couldn't help him. not from lack of trying though. you all baby him and think oh poor him...but really? come on, its a break up. everyone goes through it, just pick yourself up off the floor and move forward. if you would all stop babying him and let him figure things out on his own without any help from the guard dogs, maybe he would have a wake up call to reality. he is so dependent on everyone else that when his life is shaken he can't stand on his own two feet. so why don't you get off your high pedestal, and don't look down on me for trying to get my life together. the way i want it. you can not expect me to stay with him forever, and eventually this moment would have had to come. and the things with me and my new boyfriend are none of your business, so you need to not lecture me on what i should tell him or not tell him. he deleted me before i had ever changed anything on my face book, so you can stop thinking that i flaunted anything in front of him. i respected his wishes and only shared things HE TOLD ME he was ok with. you can think i used him all you want, but what did i use him for that he didn't use me for? and i wonder why you didn't tell him you were going to talk me? its because you and i both know that he would flip out and tell you to back off. so maybe im not the one who should back off.

bitch

anyways, now i feel better. :) i had a good morning until that email arrived in my inbox. on a happier note, starting tomorrow im going to fast for two weeks from all things internet except that which i need for homework/school and energy drinks and soda. i was asked to join a group in prayer for the next two weeks for those struggling with sexual immorality, and since i personally struggle with it, i thought i should join. may the next two weeks be filled with prayer and meditation on God and not be focused on the things my friends are doing, or saying. and tomorrow to start my two weeks off, im going to go to the beach. and then i am going to end the fasting by being gone up at winter camp for church. 3 days away from here, without cell service and with my best friends.

im going to keep a journal of my reflections of the next two weeks, and see where i end up on march 1st.

valentines day

oh my favorite holiday of the year. the theme colors are pink and red, and hearts!

contentment. :)

have you ever felt like you are given too much, and can't handle it all? like being blessed so much and you really don't deserve the blessing. i feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. i mean i know i have my moments where i feel like crap and don't feel like God is around, but there are weekends like this weekend, when i KNOW God is there and blesses me. but i can't seem to remember the good times, only the bad times, when i felt alone and abandoned. maybe by me writing this down, i can look back at this blog and remember during those bad times that God is good and He does provide for His children.

I was accepted into my number 1 school. Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. or SLO. It is the hardest school to get into because so many people want to get into it. I realized that the plans for going to CO are gone now. BUT I can't choose finally until I hear from San Jose. And to have the bestest friends around that congratulate me, and then to have a boyfriend who randomly goes out to dinner with you and your dad and his lady friend to celebrate. And then to spend the most amazing day with him just laying on the beach, not saying much but just enjoying the sound of the ocean.

I finally feel like everything is going to be alright. I don't feel overwhelmed as much, nor do I feel like I am not going to make it. I feel like everything is fine now, and things will work their self out in all His timing, not mine for sure.

flipping the page

"in the book of life, the answers aren't in the back"-- Charlie Brown

Oh boy how I wish that were true. That i could turn the pages to the end and look up how to deal with something, how to solve a problem, or how to make the right choices in life without making the mistakes. I wish life was written in pencil, to where we could just simply turn the pencil over and use the eraser and make life a clean slate, and state again. rewriting things as we realize that it didn't make sense...but sadly life is written in pen. once we do something its there permanently. we can't go back and get rid of the marks we made. and if they are the wrong words, the wrong choices, the wrong actions...we can only keep writing.

i sit here looking back at the last 8 months of my life. all the time, the energy, the money, and the memories, good and bad, and wish that i could go back and erase the bad things that happened. i wish i had listened to those people that said the pressure would get too much, the people that said i was making a mistake and to rethink things. i wish i had taken time to get to know him. spent more time being friends instead of being someone i didn't want to be. i reread things i said during those 8 months on here, and wonder how i could have changed so much since then. i was once so happy in love and head over heels for him. but now as time goes on, i have become a hardened person, not liking who i have become, who i have allowed myself to become.

maybe i should have stopped myself that night, and thought about it. realizing i was making the biggest mistake allowing things to even start, but all i could think was...i have been hurt and broken, this is my way of getting over that. making up for the things that went wrong in my life...and that lead into a few months of the biggest mistakes i have made in my life. i no longer can give that to my future husband, i no longer can share the "firsts" of a relationship with him.

now i must flip the page and not return to this page. the page full of crossing out and scribbles all over it. i placed everything in a box, not the same box as everyone else because he wasn't like everyone else. he meant more to me then everyone else. but now i must leave him behind in my past, and move forward. write a new page, start fresh. look at the empty space to be filled with more memories and adventures.

time to flip to a new page. learn from my mistakes and move forward.

hatred, bitterness, and self pity

the three things i struggle with most.

i was told to try to write everything that i am mad about down on paper...well this could be a long blog then. i was told to write down, then offer it up to God saying "here is my crap, take it. do what you will with it"

im mad about:

--the fact God took away my mother. i blame him for everything that happened bad in my life. if he had not taken her from me, then i would not have been in this house, this area, and not have gone through everything. i would not be struggling so much with money if she had not died.

--the idea of my dad dating again. he never seems to have time for me because when he is home, he is on the phone or im gone. we haven't had a day just to ourselves in a long time.

--the fact that my sister left the house before i wanted her too. she left me alone in the house and abandoned me to live with someone i grew to hate more and more as the years went on.

--i hate tammy for screwing things up in my life. if she was never part of my life, i would have had my sister until she left for college, which was only 2 more years...but thats 730 more days i could have spent with her. tammy drove my dad to spend money he didn't have resulting in the fact my dad is now filed as bankrupt. they took my money for college and used it on things not for me.

--im bitter about the fact i have to fight so hard to be able to go to college, i was supposed to have the money for it, to go where ever i chose to go...or pretty much where ever i wanted. but my dad decided that spending money that wasn't his, was more important.

--i indulged in acts that should not be said, because i felt bad for myself...self pity. i said that i was being reasonable to do them because it made me feel better for that second, that very moment it happened. i now look back only to my most recent acts, and say that i am sorry i did them. they should not have been done.

--i don't believe in love. i once did. to where fairy tales were real life, and everyone could love everyone else...but since october and the divorce i feel like i can't love anyone. all they will do is leave. so why bother loving anyone more then a friend love? i feel like marriage isn't possible anymore. people can not love each other until death due them part

--im afraid to become my sister, a cold hearted person towards God. she jumps from guy to guy, and does drugs and drinks. im only a few steps behind her. i have not been happy with one guy or the other and i have followed what everyone says...."you are young, you shouldn't be settled with one guy" but in all honesty, i want to be with one person, i want to be in a stable comfortable relationship with someone i can trust fully.

--but i can't seem to trust anyone. everyone i have put my trust in has failed me. yes we are all humans, but it seems like i can't find any one person to trust.

i have been driven to self pity, depression, being bitter at everyone and everything, and no longer loving my life and all that was in it.

i feel abandoned. i feel like no one wants to be with me, and those who are with me, i push so far away from me because i don't want to be hurt....i can't be hurt any more. my heart can't take another tear.

im a selfish being, and only want everything for myself. I want to have my life perfect according to ME, and what I want, and what makes ME happy.

there is no way that any God out there, could love a person as selfish, and broken hearted, and bitter person as I have become.

yet there is, the one person that hasn't failed me...but how can I trust someone who ruined my life?

He has my life all planned out according to his good and perfect will. I wish i could see into the future and know what that is, so i can stop blaming Him for everything, so I can stop being bitter and hating life, so I can love freely and trust openly...because i will have seen what happens in the end. why can't I open my book to the last chapter and read it?

im sure that there is more to add to this list, but it escapes my mind. and you may say "well then its not really that important" but really it is...to me.