hosea

there has been so much that has happened in a few days. my life has forever altered by the events. and it feels like weeks ago that it happened.

i thought for sure it was the end of a friendship. that we would never again speak or see each other. but as fate would have it, we saw each other the very next day. and feelings came rushing back. thoughts of past were brought up to present. we talked about what would happen if we were to forgo everything we knew was true, and decided to be selfish and take what we wanted. we tempted fate and pushed buttons just a little too much. i then was faced with the task of sharing the events with the boyfriend. i was given a response that only hosea would reply with....."ok, lets move forward" and that was it. the subject wasn't talked about again for the remainder of the evening. we did however talk about the next day. when we were in person again. i wanted to know his thoughts on it, and why he didn't freak out. i was expecting some yelling, some hurtful words but all i received was love and affection and a kiss. he told me that he wanted me to be happy. which i was. the kiss meant nothing to me, and felt nothing like a kiss should feel between two people. i realized that it made me happier with boyfriend, and that i wouldn't want to leave for someone else of the past. though my head longed to be with the person of the past, my heart longed to be with someone else.

i was asked why i went to the idea of running out a relationship, of why i had kissed someone else. i realized that no one has ever really stayed around in my life to work through the problems. every one has ran away. its comfortable for me. i don't want to confront the problems....or work through them. i want to be detached from everyone and everything. i want to go from one thing to the next. because thats what i know. thats what is comfortable to me. "hosea" told me that he wasn't going anywhere. that he wanted to be with me. and stay with me. and if i needed to kiss someone else because i needed final closure with him, then he was going to ignore it.

i am reading a book called redeeming love, its the fictional story of hosea. a man who follows what God calls him to do, and marry a prostitute. he has to buy her back twice, after she leaves and returns to what she finds comfortable. there is a hosea in my life. one who has brought me the sunshine. there is one part of the book where michael (hosea) has his wife Mara (the prostitute) and they are walking through the dark forest and he is dragging her along. she is all pouty and doesn't want to be there. finally they reach an empty hill, nothing around. its dark. and she sits down. he tells her to wait for the sunrise....she doesn't want to but does anyways because she doesn't know her way home. finally the sun rises and he wraps his arms around her and says that he wants to show her the light. and take away that darkness.

i feel like i am mara, being taken from such a horrible life by such a Godly man. someone who will buy me back if he has to, fight for me if he has to, and love me as long as he can.

so now we move forward. away from this weekend...away from my past and run together as far away as we can.

im so thankful God has placed a Hosea in my life.

goodbye

this summer has been about getting closure. about saying goodbye to those who i may never see or talk to again. to get one last hug from them. to see their smile once more.

i want to be able to tell them that they meant a lot to me while i had them in my life. that they influenced me. that they had an effect on who i have become over the last 4 years.

but yet a part of me doesn't want to say goodbye. i don't want to leave them and face another change in my life. but i know i have to.

goodbye is such a final word.

adieu, au revoir, ciao, adios.

all such sad words. you have to say goodbye to leave, to be apart from each other.

and such good friends will not be saying goodbye but instead a simple see you soon.

so maybe i will be saying goodbye to someone now, but i know that i will be saying hello to someone else in a few weeks.

by me saying goodbye, it allows me to move forward without any what ifs left. all my questions have been answered. all my tears have been shed. i am walking forward with nothing or no one holding me back.

so if this is goodbye forever, then im thankful you were part of my life. if this is goodbye for now, i look forward to seeing you again.

hallway

so last night i was in church...and the speaker talked about his sisters vision of a hallway and jesus. and some other things....but im going to focus on the hallway aspect.

i feel like im walking through the worst part of the hallway this last year. its lined with the terrible things that has happened. i walk down it, and things just come out of the doors along the way...grab me and take me inside their room. rip me to shreds, and then throw me back out onto the main path. i pick myself up and continue down the path way only to be grabbed again. ripped again. and thrown back out. yet like in her vision, i see that there is something better at the end of the hallway...something worth walking towards.

i have been shutting people out of my life. i have been ignoring them....pushing them away. because i don't want to be hurt in a few weeks when i leave. i don't want to be sad leaving my heart here. but yet it seems like thats what will happen. when i drive away, my heart is going to be left behind. everything i have been working for the last few years is what im driving to. i can't just stay in one place forever. i can't just stay here because this is where my heart is. where my family and friends are. i have to move forward...make new friends...and stay in contact with the old.

i sat in complete silence today. in a car. the only thing i could hear was the car accelerating, and decelerating. i just sat there staring out the window, my heart slowly breaking because i can't seem to open my mouth and tell one of the two people i love more then myself whats on my mind. i can't open my mouth because the minute i do, i start crying. i can't tell them whats going on because it would mean im letting them in...im allowing myself to open up to someone that im leaving in 6 weeks. to someone that i don't know what the future holds for our relationship, our friendship. and i can't seem to allow myself to tell them the truth in person face to face because i can't be that vulnerable to them.

July

So far July has been a good month. Things have been looking up, and I have been enjoying life as it is. there has been a few bumps, of course. but nothing too big.

this weekend is going to be long. i won't be able to use my phone a lot and i will have to be paying attention to details and things i could care less about. but im going to see a wedding. be part of a wedding. im so excited about that.

there is so much on my mind, i sat down to write it all out, but then when i got here.....i can't seem to type everything.

on to the beach today with friends....then onto my grandparents house, then onto washington tomorrow.