hm

life throws you curve balls. it doesn't get easier. we find better ways to cope with how we handle it. how we allow it to affect us and our lives. life is not all rainbows and unicorns. it usually involves thorns and twisting upside down. we may not like it but they don't go away. its when we lean on our friends and family and get pillows for the thorns to poke instead of skin that is when we find a better life.

Christmas not so Christmasy

have you ever made something out to be better then it actually was? like you thought of many different ways it could turn out and when it actually happens, its not as grand as you imagined?

that was my Christmas.

Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. I love having the house decorated and a real tree that smells of pine. but this year wasn't that great.

Don't get me wrong, I got many amazing presents and i got to spend time with my family. I loved that, but something about this Christmas wasn't so....Christmasy.

For starters, I had to make do for my Christmas ornaments. They all were taken with her, and she won't be giving them back till MAYBE next year. My dad won't do squat to even try to force her. He asked for them....but she said that she will give them to us when she goes through it all. (God knows when that will be)

All my stockings, all my decorations everything else was gone. We had one Christmas box left...and that had ornaments in it...ball glass ornaments....mostly the ones from my dad.

I got a real tree. I loved that.

I got to spend time with family I don't see normally. I saw my baby cousin who now is 5. and my other cousin who is 15. I saw my uncles, all three of my mom's brothers, all at the same time, the same day. Which is very unusual. My dad came also. He hasn't been since before her. It was nice. But then of course the last thing me and my sister do is fight. Now you may think "whats the big deal there?" but for me, because I only see her once every 6 months or so, and talk to her maybe twice during that time in between, the last thing I want to be doing is fighting with her. and now she plans on moving up to Washington.

Christmas wasn't the same this year. and I can only think of how different next year will be. My sister may be in Seattle, my dad will not be living in this house, and I don't know where I will go for my winter break from college. I don't want everything to change this year...but it looks like the next 6 months will be my last of the pieces staying the same.

I think that there should be a law that says a child can handle (x amount) of change within 12 month span of time. because they will emotionally die if it exceeds that amount.

but there isn't. and supposedly this all makes us stronger?? whoever said that didn't go through hell and back.

I realized that all I have been doing on here is complaining about everything wrong...when there are people out there that don't have half as good as I do. I'm not saying that my life is worse then theirs...cause I know it can get a whole lot worse. but I am just wanting to vent.

maybe new years will be better....

Since I am leaving today, and won't be back till after Christmas......

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

I can't wait to write about my adventures with my grandparents and sister. This year will be a good year having all the family together for the first time in several years. I can't even believe that there has been so much crap the last few months, and now I am going to have a lot of joy for a week.

time heals all wounds

well im sure i have written about that before. but it just doesn't make sense to me.

i mean how much time is needed to heal a grieving heart?

how long before you can go through life not thinking about the "what ifs" in life?

how long before you feel full and complete and not missing part of yourself?

people have said it just heals itself over time...but i want to know how long that is. because it sure is hell longer then 13 years. 13 thanksgivings, 13 christmases, 13 birthdays, 13 first days of school without that one person you need the most by your side to say "youre doing great" or "keep up the great work" or be there for those special occasions...instead of being the one without, or having to find a replacement to fill in.

all because God decided it was time to take her home...that her work was done on the earth. Did God ever bother to ask me? how I would feel having someone be ripped out of my life, without any memories or any goodbye, or without having any control of the situation? No. Because "all is good in His timing"

people have said it all depends on the person, and how fast they heal....what are those people doing that i am not doing? how are they healed and comforted with all of it? what is the formula to make me better, to have things at complete peace in my life?

give me a number of years that i have to wait until it no longer hurts. anything....10, 20 maybe 50 years?

"trust in the Lord with all your heart..etc"

but how can you trust in someone who destroyed your life?