last day of june

finally the month of june is done.

I was thinking about where I was last year. it was the summer between junior and senior year. it was supposed to be my last summer just relaxing, and this summer was going to be full of hard work trying to get ready for college in the fall. it was. i enjoyed last summer more then i can describe. it was full of adventure and me constantly being busy. but my mind wasn't set on the goals ahead of me. i was thinking about the now, instead of the future. i was with someone for the wrong reasons, and now that i look back on it, i wish i could take it all back. things got so out of control and i wish that i didn't have any of those experiences. but i did, and now i have to come out stronger and better. i have to rise above it all.

but yet all i want to do i hide and curl up under my blankets and stay there.

people ask me whats wrong, or how im doing....and i can't answer them truthfully because there isn't too many people out there that have experienced remotely close to my life. and when i do explain it, all i get is "im sorry" and i dont like people who say that. i don't want your sympathy. you can't really be sorry for me because you don't understand. you can't even begin to imagine what has happened to me. i don't need your pity.

there are days where i want to take a year off from school, and spend my days doing nothing and try to figure out my life. but then i remember that i spent the last 4 years preparing for college. i did everything to my best and succeeded with flying colors. i have been dreaming about college for years now. and i remember that i can't take a year off. i can't afford to not be in a classroom learning. because my sanity depends on it.

only God knows what is going to happen, where I am going to be in a few months. and it drives me up a wall because people are asking me....and i can't answer them.

i don't know anything. its out of my control.