hallway

so last night i was in church...and the speaker talked about his sisters vision of a hallway and jesus. and some other things....but im going to focus on the hallway aspect.

i feel like im walking through the worst part of the hallway this last year. its lined with the terrible things that has happened. i walk down it, and things just come out of the doors along the way...grab me and take me inside their room. rip me to shreds, and then throw me back out onto the main path. i pick myself up and continue down the path way only to be grabbed again. ripped again. and thrown back out. yet like in her vision, i see that there is something better at the end of the hallway...something worth walking towards.

i have been shutting people out of my life. i have been ignoring them....pushing them away. because i don't want to be hurt in a few weeks when i leave. i don't want to be sad leaving my heart here. but yet it seems like thats what will happen. when i drive away, my heart is going to be left behind. everything i have been working for the last few years is what im driving to. i can't just stay in one place forever. i can't just stay here because this is where my heart is. where my family and friends are. i have to move forward...make new friends...and stay in contact with the old.

i sat in complete silence today. in a car. the only thing i could hear was the car accelerating, and decelerating. i just sat there staring out the window, my heart slowly breaking because i can't seem to open my mouth and tell one of the two people i love more then myself whats on my mind. i can't open my mouth because the minute i do, i start crying. i can't tell them whats going on because it would mean im letting them in...im allowing myself to open up to someone that im leaving in 6 weeks. to someone that i don't know what the future holds for our relationship, our friendship. and i can't seem to allow myself to tell them the truth in person face to face because i can't be that vulnerable to them.