heartless and cold

I don't get how I have been told I don't care enough....twice within the last month. does that make it true? how can people say such things when all i ever want to do is make sure they are ok, make sure that my friends are doing well, that they are holding up ok through life's trials.....but nonetheless, im called heartless, cold, and am told im not caring enough.

if you really think im that cold and heartless, then maybe i will start acting that way. you wanted me to be heartless, and not care....well hun, you got it. i will focus on my life, on my own things, and not about you. and not about your life. not care if you fail or succeed, swim or drown, love or hate....what do i care? im just a heartless bitch.

yet you don't seem to understand that my way of caring is different then yours. you want me to conform to how you live, to how stress free you are. but thats not my life. my life has never been easy. i have never been able to say that i can sit and relax without my mind running like crazy thinking of things i need to get done or how to better my work i have already done. i thrive under pressure. i work better being overwhelmed with too many things on my plate. its like a competition....to see if i can get my things off the plate in a timely manner, and still come out the best person i can be. i stop arguing with you by saying fine or whatever...because i see the argument as meaning nothing. i have wasted my life listening, and participating in arguments...and you are the one person i can't argue with because i don't want to. i want this to work. i want to be friends with you, but yet you take that statement as not caring enough.

every time i say "i love you" i mean it from the bottom of my heart. i may not portray that to you, but its true. so if a person who loves you more then herself, can't seem to portray the truth, then i guess that does make me cold and heartless. im lacking the emotion you want from me. im burnt out on emotion. i am exhausted from showing you emotion, and this is me. without emotion because its exhausting to HAVE to show it. i want to. trust me. i do...but i can't seem to do it.

i guess thats my acceptance speech to being called cold and heartless.