losing myself

what happened to those times i sat and talked for hours, doing nothing but wanting to talk to you?

what happened to those times when i could sit on my butt all day and complain i was bored?

what happened to those days when i slept through the day?

what happened to those moments of relaxation?

they all disappeared the moment i started college. my life has become about my future, no longer my present. i am working to pay for my college, to pay for my education so i can get a job in the future....not because i want to work. though it definitely has its perks.

i go days without taking a break, and weeks without days of rest all because i need to do things for my future. what if my future changes? what if i can't do those things, then wouldn't it be better to relax now just in case things don't work out? ha. i wish i could think like that.

i feel bad for ignoring people. i do. but then i remind myself that they have their own lives, they have their own problems and i need to focus on myself for once. not worrying about other people. but then i get called a selfish person. if only the stories i have were shared, i wouldn't be called a selfish person any more. for once in my life i need to focus on myself, but yet in the process, i feel like im losing myself. im losing the fun side, im losing the side of relaxing, and being lazy. im becoming dependent on business to keep my mind focused. instead of taking control of my own mind.

i can't wait till the summer comes, along with sleep. only 10 more weeks of busyness, lack of sleep, constant moving, constant thinking....

i just hope that in those 10 weeks i don't lose myself completely..........