Broken hearts and burnt ashes

*makes a sound like a horse*

three days into this college thing, and i think i can get used to it. maybe not live forever like this....but get use to enough to survive the next four years of college. i haven't found any certain person that i totally love and adore yet...but i have been able to meet a billion new people. some interesting, some not so interesting. it definitely wasn't easy the first night. but i got through it. and i know that i will get through this week, the first awkward week of being in a new place, and being around so many people at once. i got a job, and now im hoping that i will find some friends that i feel comfortable with. its also nice to be around people who have no idea what my life has been like. no idea what my past has held. and no questions to ask but "whats your major" or "where do you live"

but sharing a bathroom with like 25 other people is something i may never get used to.

may God give me whats best in the year to come.

that was written the first week i was at college. here i am tonight, the night before my last final of my freshman year. i have survived the joys and the frustrations of first year college.

i started out so strong and ready to tackle the world....and im sitting here at the end of college with my first failed class, lack of motivation, single, and broke.

what happened to that girl who entered college with hopes and dreams? what happened to that girl who knew what she wanted? what happened to that girl who knew that she wanted someone so bad she wasn't going to be able to live without them?

broken hearts and burnt ashes.

how am i supposed to fix this one? when i don't even know whats going to happen. how am i supposed to know what way to go when im faced with two different paths?

one that is straight, narrow. easy. nothing to it. show up survive. end of story

the other, a little less travelled, broad. and bumpy beyond belief. you hang on for dear life and hope to leave with only a few bruises and scratches.

i know what i want my future to be. i know who i want to be there. but yet my here and now can't seem to reflect on that.

when was that moment i stopped trusting you? when was that moment i stopped loving us, and loving your body more?

now i take a step back and wonder when will i know that the love i hold in my heart is for you, and not some mask i have created out of clay that could shatter just like a vase on the floor.

but i know that i want you as my best friend. i know that i want to spend every minute i have with you. but because of our dreams, and choices to take different paths, maybe its best we only peek at each other through the trees and smile and wave at each other. maybe one day our paths will cross again. and we can make that choice together to walk down the same road. holding hands.

yet i don't think i can live without your heart beating against mine, i don't think i can live without hearing your laugh. i don't think i can live without having the hug that warms my body inside and out. i don't think i can live without the kindness from you, and the forgiveness you have shown me.

i don't think i can live my life without you.