no words

there is no words for how i feel. there are days like this, when all i want to do is sit around...not move...and sleep. i don't want to think. i don't want to choose. i don't want to function. the end.

i hate that there are days when this consumes me. when i can't think about anything else. and it starts effecting me. i can't seem to get happy. i can't force myself to smile. i can't fake the smile, i can't fake the laugh, i can't pretend.

how is this still effecting me? when is the day when i can wake up and i don't have a piece of me missing? when is the day when i feel normal, when i feel like everyone else? when is the day when i can say i no longer ache?

i laid on the sand, wiggling my toes in the sand. i could hear the waves crash in front of me. i could hear the sound of happy children, laughing and squealing. i drowned it out, i focused on the waves, the sand, the feeling of comfort....for 20 minutes. the moment you feel like everything is ok. that your life isn't crap, the moment you don't feel anything. for a brief 20 minutes i didn't feel the hurt. i felt complete. i felt her. i felt her arms around me. comforting me like i long for everyday. then it was gone. i was brought back to reality with the crashing of the waves.