worth in the worthlessness

how can you find me worthy to be loved? to be cared for? when all i am is damaged, and used, and no longer perfect....

you sure do amaze me sometimes.

its easy to forget when you can trust in God and have faith in Him, but when you no longer trust Him and no longer can put your faith in Him because of years of hurt and anger and lies from the devil, it takes longer to forget and get healing.

camp was amazingly awesome. it was definitely the one thing i needed. i really needed the messages and hearing them made sense for once. i am going to need to rely on the body of Christ more and no more relying on just myself. i want my identity to be in God and no of the world. I want to define myself by what i am for and not by what i am against. we learn about life through dieing. (dieing to ourselves everyday and denying our flesh.) it is only when we are completely and fully broken down to pieces that God can put us back together and make us new in Him.

Isaiah 64:6b

"...we all shrivel up like a leaf and like the wind our sins sweep us away"

when we sin our lives become so dead and unclean like filthy rags. we shrivel up like leaves after they have fallen off the tree. the tree gives it life and supplies it nutrients. but when a leaf leaves that, it shrivels up and dries out. we get so carried away by our sins that we get swept up and carried away far from the tree that made us a leaf

how can something so amazing have such a negative affect on me?

i apologized to him for everything. i said i was sorry and i meant it. it wasn't like that "im sorry but i really don't mean it" stuff said on the playground when one kid hits another. it was an apology from deep within my heart, because i feel terrible that it ruined who i am, and tore down my spirit. it has kept me up many sleepless nights. and made me feel worthless, and damaged and should never be touched or loved again. but thats all he has to offer. he wants to be there to support me. and be my strong tower when i need him to be.

thank you for blessing me when i sure don't deserve your blessings.

you have picked me up and brushed off my scratches and fixed my broken bones. you have begun to heal me. slowly, but you have begun your healing.

in a few months im leaving my comfort zone. i will have to find new friends. and depend on the body of Christ for support. no longer depend on those i have learned to trust. i must move forward and be open and dependent on others.

that was just a snap shot of my weekend.