forgiveness is not an option

Its funny how God works. Monday was a good day. I called into SLO and things seemed to be working out good there. I found 3 pairs of shoes for $20. I found out that my aunt and uncle are planning on attending my graduation. And I had a sudden realization....

I wrote a letter like I was told, to a person who I was angry and bitter at, then precede to burn it or tear it up and forget about the anger and bitterness just like God does. As I wrote the letter to Tim, I realized that I was the one to blame for everything. I pushed him that night and I am now taking responsibility for my actions. I feel terrible that I blamed him for everything when he did nothing wrong. So I decided I was going to apologize to him soon. (I did that this morning but I will get to that later) And I went to discipleship. The whole chapter was about what forgiveness is and is not. And one of them that stood out to me was that forgiveness is not an option. It is not a feeling that we feel like doing one day and not feel like the next. it is an act of obedience to God.

"The Bible never commands "forgive and forget" This is one of those old, unbiblical statements by which people often try to guide their lives that is utterly incorrect. If you try to forget, you will fail. In fact, the harder you try the more difficult you will find forgetting"

"We will probably never understand why we were hurt...Understanding may come later, in fragments, an insight here and a glimpse there, after forgiving. But we are asking too much if we want to understand everything at the beginning."

Phil 3:13b

"...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead"

So I realized all this was relating to everything with me and Tim. So last night me and joey were talking, and he did something and suddenly I shut off. I was brought back to everything that had happened, everything bad. I shut my whole body down, and ruined things between me and joey for that moment. I wouldn't hold his hand, or look at him, and i just shut off everything. i wanted to cry. i did tell him about my realization and he told me about when he found out about everything how he wanted to blame tim but then it hit him that i was also to blame. i kept saying that i was also but i didn't realize how much i was to blame until yesterday afternoon.

SOOOO then I woke up this morning and then went back to sleep till like 1030. I realized that I needed to text Tim before I got too nervous about it. He replied saying that he wouldn't meet with me, but I could call him and just get it over with. I called him and he answered with a rude "what" and it was terrible. I started off explaining the whole background to the story and then I apologized to him. I apologized to him for everything for blaming him for things he wasn't meant to be blamed for. And that I was taking responsibility for everything that happened. We talked for 20 min and he yelled at me saying that I was a selfish bitch, and that I was a terrible person. I just let him yell because I knew I needed to hear it, but it hurt. It hurt to hear the one boy that I allowed in so far say hurtful words to me. He blamed me for things that I wasn't meant to be blamed for like his money problems. But we did get closure between us about why I broke up with him. And he said that he was so happy to be without me and he was happy to never see me. He told me that he no longer has any feelings for me and he hoped my life turned out to be what i wanted.

Yes he was hurt, and so he said hurtful words. I knew I deserved those words to be said to me....but it still doesn't change the fact that now I am beaten down. And I am self pitying, self medicating, and being mopey. So now I guess that I apologized I must move forward. Let it all go and not look back. And not allow something like this to consume me.