you are loved

so the two weeks are almost up, but within the last week and a half i have spent time with the Lord, and doing homework, and doing chores. I mean i usually do those things, but now i have actually not been as stressed to get them done because my time was not eaten up by face book. and i have slept better because my body doesn't have as much caffeine in it. thanks to the cutting out soda and energy drinks.

something amazing happened yesterday also. joey found me a possible roommate for SLO, so I am quite excited for that. its a girl he knows and goes to school with, and she is looking for someone who isn't a party/drinker/smoker, and its a plus to be a christian....yup thats me! so im going to talk to her next week when i am back on facebook once again, and maybe work things out.

so i also started a discipleship with one of the leaders at church. we are going through a book called "go in peace" and yesterday we did chapter one. i swear this author knows my thoughts, and has been living in my mind since i was born, because everything she has written is towards me and my life and everything i have struggled with. (i know that sounds a bit conceited...but thats how i feel) the first chapter was called "you are loved"

before this was the introduction, and in that introduction i was supposed to write down my goals, my spiritual goals. so here they are:

--I want to be free of the bitterness towards God for taking my mom away

--I want to be free of the anger and hatred towards Tammy for causing my sister to leave and then leaving my dad with debt

--i want freedom from the sexual thoughts and reminders of my past actions-freedom from my past being my future

--i want peace when it comes to deciding what to do with my life/future

--i want freedom from peer pressure to join in drinking...again

the same word appears in each of those (except one), to be free or freedom.

in chapter 1 i read about the things that come up again and again and i think and ponder upon those things, and they aren't always good things (they could be sins that i inflict on others, or that others have inflicted on me) that have caused me pain

"It is as if this deep hurt causes such a scarring on the outside of our hearts that we don't allow the truth of God's love to penetrate to the inside of our hearts"

when we chew on things like the hurt and anger and bitterness as a result of our/others sin, we become like cows. chewing cud over and over and over again.

cud is gross. and i don't like being like a cow. i am tired of chewing on things as they get brought back into my life, maybe by a conversation or by seeing something. it hurts to have that memory or a bad sin or a lie come back to me and remind me of how stupid i have been.

but thankfully God wants to forgive me of those sins, and wants to love me no matter what kind of crud i have been doing. He wants to take away all the cud i chew on, i just need to give it to Him.