flipping the page

"in the book of life, the answers aren't in the back"-- Charlie Brown

Oh boy how I wish that were true. That i could turn the pages to the end and look up how to deal with something, how to solve a problem, or how to make the right choices in life without making the mistakes. I wish life was written in pencil, to where we could just simply turn the pencil over and use the eraser and make life a clean slate, and state again. rewriting things as we realize that it didn't make sense...but sadly life is written in pen. once we do something its there permanently. we can't go back and get rid of the marks we made. and if they are the wrong words, the wrong choices, the wrong actions...we can only keep writing.

i sit here looking back at the last 8 months of my life. all the time, the energy, the money, and the memories, good and bad, and wish that i could go back and erase the bad things that happened. i wish i had listened to those people that said the pressure would get too much, the people that said i was making a mistake and to rethink things. i wish i had taken time to get to know him. spent more time being friends instead of being someone i didn't want to be. i reread things i said during those 8 months on here, and wonder how i could have changed so much since then. i was once so happy in love and head over heels for him. but now as time goes on, i have become a hardened person, not liking who i have become, who i have allowed myself to become.

maybe i should have stopped myself that night, and thought about it. realizing i was making the biggest mistake allowing things to even start, but all i could think was...i have been hurt and broken, this is my way of getting over that. making up for the things that went wrong in my life...and that lead into a few months of the biggest mistakes i have made in my life. i no longer can give that to my future husband, i no longer can share the "firsts" of a relationship with him.

now i must flip the page and not return to this page. the page full of crossing out and scribbles all over it. i placed everything in a box, not the same box as everyone else because he wasn't like everyone else. he meant more to me then everyone else. but now i must leave him behind in my past, and move forward. write a new page, start fresh. look at the empty space to be filled with more memories and adventures.

time to flip to a new page. learn from my mistakes and move forward.