you words hurt

if actions speak louder then words, then i want to know what action is going to speak louder then the words i just heard. because those were some pretty strong words.

i received an email from his sister saying some pretty mean things. blaming me for things i didn't control. and saying things that hurt. i am refusing to answer her until my mind is fully calm and at rest. which probably won't be for a few more hours. i was so mad that i ran 2 miles straight, and the only reason i stopped was because i couldn't breathe from being sick the last few weeks. so this is going to my rough draft of my letter to her...though im sure that when i actually email her back, words will be much nicer, and more thought out.

to answer your questions...no i don't like seeing him sad or upset or bitter. i don't enjoy making him mad or upset, nor did i do anything on purpose. how can something be heartless when my whole heart went into this? how can you be the judge of me when you have no room to judge me? i did nothing out of spite or malice, but i did it out of love. i know it may not seem like it, but i was setting him free, free to be with someone who will love him as much as he loves them. you are right when you say he loved me more then i deserved, and i NEVER failed to tell him that he deserves someone better then me. he knew my past yet he still wanted to date me, he knew my flaws and wanted to date me. how dare you say that this is completely my fault he is hurt! i never once sent him any picture of me and my boyfriend, nor did i ever flaunt anything in front of him. he was the one who wanted to stay with me, even though i explained my conditions plainly, that i was seeing someone else while seeing him. i told him to leave and be done, and not still see me as a girlfriend figure. i want to be friends with him because he is an amazing guy. but he was the one who chose to stay with me on my conditions. i never once made him spend any money on me. there is a certain courtesy of being a boyfriend to pay for outings, but i never once made him do anything, i even offered to pay for things and i never ever once told him he had to buy me gifts to make me feel special. i told him NUMEROUS times that he made me feel special just by being my boyfriend. so when you say that im the one to blame for his lack of ability to manage his money, you are so wrong. i do not ever flaunt my ungratefulness, i have told him many times that im grateful for things he has done. you have no right to say whether i cared for him or not. you live a few hundred miles away, and were not with us hardly at all. you have no right to tell me i am a mean hearted person. i do respect his wishes to not talk to him. HELL i was the one who didn't want to talk to him. you have no idea what you are talking about. he was the one who said he didn't want to talk me for two days, then when i returned he tried talking to me. i never once texted him during those two days. when i returned home i decided that i wasn't going to talk to him and told him so. so when i did text him to defend myself from immature remarks about myself, i was doing so only to defend myself not to attack him. i felt betrayed by his words and i wanted to let him know. you feel that he has every right to call someone ugly? wow way to be a good Christian. i was calling him out on his immature remarks. i have not once made any remark on face book or anytime at all for that matter against him or his looks. i don't care if you all delete me from your face book, big deal. you all just are a bunch of liars then, because you are only friends with me during the time of me dating him, you aren't the people i thought you were. im so thrilled to hear that your brother is happy without me. thats what i want. i want him to be happy and move forward and get his life together because hell i couldn't help him. not from lack of trying though. you all baby him and think oh poor him...but really? come on, its a break up. everyone goes through it, just pick yourself up off the floor and move forward. if you would all stop babying him and let him figure things out on his own without any help from the guard dogs, maybe he would have a wake up call to reality. he is so dependent on everyone else that when his life is shaken he can't stand on his own two feet. so why don't you get off your high pedestal, and don't look down on me for trying to get my life together. the way i want it. you can not expect me to stay with him forever, and eventually this moment would have had to come. and the things with me and my new boyfriend are none of your business, so you need to not lecture me on what i should tell him or not tell him. he deleted me before i had ever changed anything on my face book, so you can stop thinking that i flaunted anything in front of him. i respected his wishes and only shared things HE TOLD ME he was ok with. you can think i used him all you want, but what did i use him for that he didn't use me for? and i wonder why you didn't tell him you were going to talk me? its because you and i both know that he would flip out and tell you to back off. so maybe im not the one who should back off.

bitch

anyways, now i feel better. :) i had a good morning until that email arrived in my inbox. on a happier note, starting tomorrow im going to fast for two weeks from all things internet except that which i need for homework/school and energy drinks and soda. i was asked to join a group in prayer for the next two weeks for those struggling with sexual immorality, and since i personally struggle with it, i thought i should join. may the next two weeks be filled with prayer and meditation on God and not be focused on the things my friends are doing, or saying. and tomorrow to start my two weeks off, im going to go to the beach. and then i am going to end the fasting by being gone up at winter camp for church. 3 days away from here, without cell service and with my best friends.

im going to keep a journal of my reflections of the next two weeks, and see where i end up on march 1st.