the three things i struggle with most.
i was told to try to write everything that i am mad about down on paper...well this could be a long blog then. i was told to write down, then offer it up to God saying "here is my crap, take it. do what you will with it"
im mad about:
--the fact God took away my mother. i blame him for everything that happened bad in my life. if he had not taken her from me, then i would not have been in this house, this area, and not have gone through everything. i would not be struggling so much with money if she had not died.
--the idea of my dad dating again. he never seems to have time for me because when he is home, he is on the phone or im gone. we haven't had a day just to ourselves in a long time.
--the fact that my sister left the house before i wanted her too. she left me alone in the house and abandoned me to live with someone i grew to hate more and more as the years went on.
--i hate tammy for screwing things up in my life. if she was never part of my life, i would have had my sister until she left for college, which was only 2 more years...but thats 730 more days i could have spent with her. tammy drove my dad to spend money he didn't have resulting in the fact my dad is now filed as bankrupt. they took my money for college and used it on things not for me.
--im bitter about the fact i have to fight so hard to be able to go to college, i was supposed to have the money for it, to go where ever i chose to go...or pretty much where ever i wanted. but my dad decided that spending money that wasn't his, was more important.
--i indulged in acts that should not be said, because i felt bad for myself...self pity. i said that i was being reasonable to do them because it made me feel better for that second, that very moment it happened. i now look back only to my most recent acts, and say that i am sorry i did them. they should not have been done.
--i don't believe in love. i once did. to where fairy tales were real life, and everyone could love everyone else...but since october and the divorce i feel like i can't love anyone. all they will do is leave. so why bother loving anyone more then a friend love? i feel like marriage isn't possible anymore. people can not love each other until death due them part
--im afraid to become my sister, a cold hearted person towards God. she jumps from guy to guy, and does drugs and drinks. im only a few steps behind her. i have not been happy with one guy or the other and i have followed what everyone says...."you are young, you shouldn't be settled with one guy" but in all honesty, i want to be with one person, i want to be in a stable comfortable relationship with someone i can trust fully.
--but i can't seem to trust anyone. everyone i have put my trust in has failed me. yes we are all humans, but it seems like i can't find any one person to trust.
i have been driven to self pity, depression, being bitter at everyone and everything, and no longer loving my life and all that was in it.
i feel abandoned. i feel like no one wants to be with me, and those who are with me, i push so far away from me because i don't want to be hurt....i can't be hurt any more. my heart can't take another tear.
im a selfish being, and only want everything for myself. I want to have my life perfect according to ME, and what I want, and what makes ME happy.
there is no way that any God out there, could love a person as selfish, and broken hearted, and bitter person as I have become.
yet there is, the one person that hasn't failed me...but how can I trust someone who ruined my life?
He has my life all planned out according to his good and perfect will. I wish i could see into the future and know what that is, so i can stop blaming Him for everything, so I can stop being bitter and hating life, so I can love freely and trust openly...because i will have seen what happens in the end. why can't I open my book to the last chapter and read it?
im sure that there is more to add to this list, but it escapes my mind. and you may say "well then its not really that important" but really it is...to me.
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