crumbling

Everything failed. Everything crumbled beneath me....yet I am still standing on my two feet. I lost everything for summer, and I fell to pieces. Everyone told me to get up and don't worry about it....but they don't get how much I wanted to be there this summer. How much that program meant to me. I worked so hard, but yet they took it away from me. Now I am in the hunt for a job, anywhere doing anything. (within reason) and it just reminds me that it is going to be hard to find a job since I can't find anything close to home. So I am broadening my search, but thats harder to do because I can't just drive there in 20 minutes. So I applied at a few places, and I will go from there. Its just hard since I have no experience, so people won't hire me without it....and thus a vicious circle.

I can't believe I am allowing myself to fall again. I told myself I wasn't going to...but yet this time seems different then the rest. I know that in a few months things are going to change dramatically. It is going to make saying good bye much harder. And this time I have a more understanding of the word itself. It is no fairy tale, its no movie, its reality. There are no butterflies or rainbows or fireworks coming out into the air. Just real feelings of wanting to care for him. To want to be there for him always, even if it means letting him go. I keep telling myself that whatever happens happens, and if things are meant to work, then they will....but that doesn't help my heart from wanting to be with him. from wanting to keep him near me. and from wanting him to not date other people.

sigh. so much on my mind.