feeling something, anything...

well today was the day from hell. im not joking. everything went wrong that could go wrong. i finally received that phone call i was waiting for.

i was right to be worried about it. EOP people decided that my dad makes too much money last year, that i might not qualify anymore for the EOP program. which in turn makes summer program harder for me to get to. i will have to pull $3500 out of a hat to pay for it. i don't NEED to be in EOP, but that extra money and the full ride to summer program was nice. i broke down today, into tears. hysterical, hard, sobbing, choking tears today. i sat on the ground in my room and just fell to pieces.

does God not want me at the summer program? but if He didn't then why did he allow me to become accepted then make all this happen?

i don't know when I will know more about it. wether this week or next but they have to make their decision soon. maybe tomorrow I will hear something. or maybe not.

then this morning i was talking to an old dear friend. i asked to meet up with him against my better judgement, against everyone elses judgment. but i needed to see him once more before going to college, before moving forward with my life and erasing him from mine. we went to the beach, and as i walked towards him, my heart didn't flutter, it didn't stop. it didn't do anything. the first time in 8 years my heart knew that this guy was not the one i am in love with. i kept telling myself over the years he was going to come back to me. and that he was the one "who got away" type boy...but nope. i almost laughed at my thoughts while looking at him. we walked around for a half hour, mostly in silence because we didn't have anything to talk about. and what he wanted to talk about didn't interest me, drugs and partying and sex. as we neared his car he asked about that one night i swore i wasn't going to think about ever again. and i tried to drop it but he wouldn't let it go, so i left some mystery in it, and maybe he believed the way it happened differently then the truth. but im not sure. i do know as we neared his car i wanted him to tell me that he missed talking to me. but then he found his keys, and we hugged. for a long time. then i walked away. i looked back twice to make sure he wasn't following me.

but then i walked to the beach and sat there. staring at the ocean roll in and out.

i sat in my shorts and a jacket, allowing the cool ocean breeze flow over my body, feeling the cold air. i wanted to feel something, anything. even if it was the cold air. it made my skin become bumpy, and made me want to be curled up under a blanket. but i just sat there not thinking, not talking, not moving. just staring into the vast ocean. i drove home, and im not sure how i did it, because i don't remember the drive home. it seemed like a blur. like an automatic version of me. all i could think was, what if i lose the summer program, what if the dreams i had came crashing down around me just like the sand crumbles under the powerful waves.

i just want to feel something, anything at all....

pain,

happiness,

love,

hatred,

cold,

hot,

contentment,

comfort,

discomfort,

discontentment

anything. just one thing.