stretching

i am being stretched beyond the breaking point.

i am being torn apart from the inside out.

im told you ask for forgiveness, that i have to confess my sins, and i will be forgiven. great fabulous...thats awesome. but it doesn't get rid of the thoughts, the reminders, the constant voices in my head telling me that i am no longer pure. i am no longer able to stand fully blameless in front of my husband on my wedding night. i took what God meant for good, and turned it into such a horrible selfish act.

and when i am reminded of that, i shut down. i push people i love away from me. i don't want to talk or see them. i push them far away from me. all because i can't handle the reminders.

in Ezekiel it says that God covers us with a garment and wants to keep us covered until the wedding day, but what did i do? disregard his plan, and throw the garment he placed over my body and mind and soul and threw it to the way side. just trampled all over it shoving it back in his face, almost laughing.

i don't get why this is effecting me so much. i mean there are hundreds of people that do this, and they aren't crying, they aren't haunted by nightmares, they aren't hiding in shame.

i have prayed and prayed and prayed for forgiveness, i asked him for forgiveness, but yet nothing is seeming to stop.

im haunted by my past.

God is stretching me and it feels like its beyond my breaking point. i want to shout out and tell him "stop, your hurting me"....but i feel like that would only be a futile action.