pushing the pause button

i wish i could push the pause button on life right now. its the perfect time to push it. i have things to look forward that are joyful, but they haven't happened yet so i still have stuff to look forward to...and the bad things haven't happened yet. so i am not filled with sorrow.

but life doesn't have a pause button.

i realized how attached i have gotten to him. i kept telling myself not to get attached because i knew summer was coming and i knew that i didn't want to deal with another broken heart, and another broken friendship. but he swears its going to be different this time. (thats what they all said) i realized that i have begun to care for him just like i care for my best friend. and when we have to say good bye, i know i will cry. and not want to let go of him. we talked about what we are going to do, but we said that we weren't going to push things too much. i came up with a brilliant idea of getting married....but he didn't think that was a good idea. hahahahahhaha and im sure our parents would not either.

but as i began to think about it, i may joke about getting married to him, but in all honesty i can't see myself marrying anyone right now. i don't see how two humans can love each other. so i know that the marriage would be screwed up before it even started. we talked about saying "the 3 words" and the more we talked about it, the more i realized that i don't romantically love him. so saying "i love you" would not mean anything to me or to us as a couple. i love him more then words can describe just like i love my best friend. if we were to do something to make more of a commitment to each other, there wouldn't be a reason to it. i couldn't say that i love love him. and that i need to say it to him because thats how i am. because i need that thing in my life to fill the hole. instead of having God fill that hole. i need to feel the physical affection from someone....even if its only temporary.

but i know that love does exist again. i have began to see it in different forms. and its not all about the butterflies in your stomach or the fireworks you see when you kiss them. its about the moments of silence shared. the moments of hurt you are there to support each other. the moments of joy you share together. that show the love and affection. and that i don't need to hear those three words from anyone